getting 5 and 7 yo to listen without yelling

[Anonymous]

I'm losing my mind on our morning and evening routines - DH is gone during the week so its me and our 3/5/7yos trying to get out the door every morning. Almost every day it starts off well, we have enough time, we're pleasant, they do the big things they have to like eating breakfast and getting dressed....but when it comes to the last couple things when its time to go, they just flat out ignore me or start moving to do something and get distracted until I'm angry and yelling. I expect this of a 3yo but the 5 and 7yo should be able to hear "get your shoes on and get your lunch and water bottle into your backpack" and do it without me having to repeat myself 4 times and end in yelling. Similar in the evening - they won't stay in bed after they've been put to bed until I literally yell at them that I'm so angry and they damn well better not get out of bed again.

I've never been a yell-y parent until recently. I hate it and obviously they hate it. I was good at the little kid turning things into silly games / giving choices / little reward systems to move things along but the 5 and 7yo have outgrown most of that. I've tried checklists so I'm not the one telling them what to do and that works for a few days until the excitement wears off. We've switched to having to get almost everything done before they have free time in the morning and that helps but the last couple things have to be done at the very end and thats where it falls apart. I don't think starting those last few things earlier would help because they'd just keep ignoring me whether I said it 5 time or 15 times unless i escalate.

Any ideas? Please don't tell me you "wouldn't allow" them to not listen. What does that mean? How do you force it? What's the consequence at these ages for not? I get that they don't care the same way I do about being on time and whatever game they're playing with each other is more exciting, but I've got to change this. I hate being the angry yell-y parent.

[Anonymous]

My kids respond really well to individual checklists. I found a template online. I let them create them with me on the computer and we would edit it each week.

[Anonymous]

Do you have Alexa? Sometimes we will use her to set a timer - you can do them for specific things like Alexa set a time to put shoes on in 10 minutes and she'll go off in 10 minutes and tell you to put your shoes on.

I also like the checklist idea, although not sure how that would go for a three-year old but maybe if they can put stickers next to the items.

[Anonymous]

Do you remember the movie Coming to America with Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall? One of them is a prince and does nothing for himself, including wipe his own ass. Every time he's going to the bathroom he tells someone and that guy yells "Wipers!" and briskly claps twice and the Professional Ass Wipers scurry forward to follow the prince to the bathroom.

Anyway, I told my DD about this in great detail and she thought it was HYSTERICAL, so I borrowed it and would just announce "Gemma, teeth!" and briskly clap twice and she'd laugh and scurry off to brush her teeth. "Gemma, shoes!" Worked for like three or four years.

[Anonymous]

You can whisper "go back to bed before I beat your @ss" and you can yell "go back to bed before I beat your @ss" and neither will matter if there is no consequence. If they get out of bed, you have to beat their butt. Now, I am not saying beat them.... it was an example but you have to give the consequence. All the morning stuff needs to be done the night before if possible or they do it before they eat. My kids backpacks are packed and around their chair before they sit down and eat at the table with that same chair. When they put their clothes on, they put their shoes on.

[Anonymous]

The thing that has worked best for us is what you say OP - having them do everything before they can play/have free time in the morning. What are the last final things before leaving? Shoes are included in our "before playtime" even though we typically don't love shoes in the house. Water bottle, lunch, everything is in the bag and done. Then free time. So that way when it is time to leave there is nothing but grabbing backpack.

My other recommendation would be to sit down with them at a time when your other parent is home at night or on the weekend, can take the 3 year old and problem solve together. Tell them - this isn't working for me, and it doesn't seem to be working that well for me. We need to come up with a plan together. Share what isn't working for you, they can share what their needs are. And build a plan together so they feel a part of it. This often gets us on a better foot when we have times like this. They have ownership over how you problem solved. I tell my kids remember we are a team. And i just hammer that in, and hammer in that my needs matter too - this isn't some kid show. I'm not saying it is perfect, heck no. But it has helped us develop better systems.

[Anonymous]

I should add my older doesn't even eat breakfast before shoes and backpack totally ready. Then it is breakfast and play. When I stray from this accidentally and start breakfast for him before he does things, it is always very annoying.

[Anonymous]

Just tell them can we be friends

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. My kids are baby/3/5 and I recently did PEP’s class about not yelling: https://www.pepparentonline.org/p/stop-yelling-mar-2024

For us, the visual checklists are key. They are posted in the bathroom for morning and evening routine (not too many things, AM is get dressed, make bed, brush teeth). We do everything before eating breakfast or the night before, including packing backpack. I think it would be better to brush teeth after breakfast, but that was leading to wasting time and negotiating and yelling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can whisper "go back to bed before I beat your @ss" and you can yell "go back to bed before I beat your @ss" and neither will matter if there is no consequence. If they get out of bed, you have to beat their butt. Now, I am not saying beat them.... it was an example but you have to give the consequence. All the morning stuff needs to be done the night before if possible or they do it before they eat. My kids backpacks are packed and around their chair before they sit down and eat at the table with that same chair. When they put their clothes on, they put their shoes on.

The last minute stuff is putting their lunchboxes in their backpack (they're mainly made the night before but I do things like rewarm the chicken or add something that would get soggy the night before while they eat breakfast), get on their gear to walk to school (we live in chicago so outdoor shoes / coats etc), and pick up anything they got out in their free time.

I agree on the consequence but haven't figured out one that works - very annoyingly (for this) the 7yo is pretty take it or leave it about both screen time and dessert

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. My kids are baby/3/5 and I recently did PEP’s class about not yelling: https://www.pepparentonline.org/p/stop-yelling-mar-2024

For us, the visual checklists are key. They are posted in the bathroom for morning and evening routine (not too many things, AM is get dressed, make bed, brush teeth). We do everything before eating breakfast or the night before, including packing backpack. I think it would be better to brush teeth after breakfast, but that was leading to wasting time and negotiating and yelling.

I really wanted the visual checklists to work for them - they were so excited by one we put together on a big skylight calendar where they get to click around and check things off and it has confetti and balloons on the screen when you're done....and that excitement lasted one week. I had the same when I tried paper ones

[Anonymous]

I’ve been there, and admittedly still have some mornings when I lose my temper, but it’s a lot better now. I agree with visual chore charts — my 5/7/9 yos all responded well to them. We have DIY charts on little magnetic boards, where the kids move each get ready item over to another column once it’s done.

Also, realizing my oldest was really motivated to eat breakfast at the table (vs. in the car) was a game changer. Now he knows he must do everything else on his list before he can sit down for breakfast. If he runs out of time, he eats in the car. This is unfortunately not helpful with my 7yo, who is usually not even hungry until her morning snack at school.

I have less advice for bedtime— I really struggled with this when my DH was working late, and my older two got themselves totally wired when I was busy putting the toddler to bed. It was not a great phase, and I know I didn’t handle it all that well, but it passed. My older two at least understand now that they feel better, and enjoy their mornings more, when they go to bed by a certain time. But it was not a quick adjustment.

[Anonymous]

I’m the PP with baby/3/5. The visual checklists aren’t for excitement. Don’t pitch them that way. Reframe: the visual checklists are so I don’t yell at everyone. The visual checklists are the way I redirect kids who aren’t on task. They don’t magically create independent kids. For two months (for us recently with 5 year old), I verbally went through the checklist. Then AFTER TWO MONTHS!!! he started doing it on his own.

[Anonymous]

I was doing a lot of yelling and it got better when we started doing Parent-Child Interactive Therapy (PCIT) with our oldest child, who was 4 at the time and had/has anxiety. The therapy was ostensibly for my kid, but it helped me a lot too. It's about setting boundaries and expectations.

My main take away was not to repeat myself and not to ask my kids to do too many things at once. Get their attention, make one command ("brush your teeth" rather than "brush your teeth, then put on your pajamas"), and put them in time out if they don't listen within a reasonable amount of time. Repeating myself was driving me crazy and wasn't doing anything to get them to actually do the task.

[Anonymous]

I never yell at my child. I just yell at DH to step up and contribute.