Feeling judged by therapist for SAH - say something or ignore?

[Anonymous]

I've seen the same therapist for several years, and he's helped me through some difficult things (grief, marital conflict, etc). I have three kids and have worked very part-time for a while (with stretches of full SAH motherhood), and my plan has been for me to ramp up my work when my youngest started K. I had a fairly prestigious / high-achieving career pre-kids and so am able to consult on a freelance basis pretty easily. Money is not an issue.

My youngest started K this Fall (so all three kids are 8:30-3:00 in school) and I simply have not found the time to work anything resembling full time. This actually does not bother me, at all. It's important I continue to be there for sick days, appointments, weekday school events, etc. I've obviously significantly sacrificed my career already and I'm not going to NOT do the field trips or class parties now (which seems to me as a lose-lose; I let my career suffer so I could be there for these things in an ongoing way, not just before the age of 5). I just want to make sure I have something that is mine that I can shift my focus to as my kids get older, and I feel like I do.

I feel like my therapist can't stop judging my choices. He said something once about how he thinks both parents should work full-time because he "was raised to value education" - ironic since I am WAY more highly educated than he is. He also seems a bit like a clueless man who doesn't understand the mental load of raising kids in the first place. And finally, he seems shocked that we have so many sick days (spread over three kids) and random days off school (he has two young kids still in daycare).

Do I say something to him about this, or just let it go and change topics as needed? I *hate* getting into conversations with anyone about this sort of thing, and I feel like how a person spends their time from a work / not work perspective is an extremely personal choice and the only thing that matters is whether the individuals within a family are happy with their division of labor and kids are well cared for, and that can look different for each family. But I feel like the nature of therapy requires I be honest about these things.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

She's jealous you can SAH whilst she has to work. I've dealt with this many times.

[Anonymous]

Gosh it’s a wonder any of us are able to “find the time” to work.

[Anonymous]

Time for a new therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time for a new therapist.

+1. I'd start to look for a female therapist.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I think you should say something. It’s clear he doesn’t get it and I think what you get out of therapy will be affected by this if you don’t address it. How that conversation goes will determine best next steps

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a father who leaves most of the parenting to his spouse.

[Anonymous]

You need a new therapist or do therapy with plants (they don’t judge).

[Anonymous]

He really shouldn’t be offering his opinions - only if asked and then if you ask he should say “why are you asking my opinion? Why aren’t you trusting your own judgment?”

I had a therapist once who was an eye roller - I knew where she stood on everything - not professional. I ended it.

[Anonymous]

When I saw the title I was going to say maybe the therapist is truly trying to be helpful as they picked up on signs you want to work but are conflicted. Therapists often give clients a push when presenting with conflicting behaviors. This was the case for me once my kids were older and I wanted to return to work but I was really anxious about it. Not the case after reading your post! I feel that this is a therapist issue. They have no concept of life as a parent. I also hated feeling judged as a SAHM. I was really happy and fulfilled and I was making the right decision for my family but those in the working world couldn’t relate. Find a new provider if you can. I’m not sure a female is necessarily better. I find some females more judge than males.

[Anonymous]

Dump this jerk and let him know why.

[Anonymous]

Therapist here. Yes, say something and see how he handles it and if you feel heard/comfortable. However, to be honest this guy may not be a good fit and what you’ve described sounds pretty unprofessional.

[Anonymous]

Yes you should say something and he may not be a good fit.

But frankly all your justifying seems... off... as well. So you want to continue to be a SAHM, that's fine but don't cloak it in a bunch of justifications, just own the valid decision.

Also your "way more educated" is an eye roll.

[Anonymous]

I would drop this therapist in two seconds.

[Anonymous]

Well you shared plans to return to work. Now you have excuses not to do so even though millions of Americans with young kids work. He may just be trying to push you towards your own goal.

Perhaps try being honest that you don’t intend to return to work? You’ll have different reasons in 2, 5 and 7 years why not to work.

There’s also the chance that you not working is causing problems in your life he can’t see. I have a friend who desperately needs to return to work for her mental health, to improve parenting and for her marriage. She can’t see it though and has a litany of excuses as to why. I’m not going to say anything but it’s obvious to me that having a job and getting out of the house would help her gain perspective.

Alternatively stop therapy. Why are you even going?