“I’m going through a lot”???

[Anonymous]

My ILs passed away years ago and the only family DH has left is SIL. A few weeks ago she instigated a fight with DH, and when he stood up for himself, she broke into tears and said people should be kind to her because she’s “going through a lot right now.” They took a bit of a break and he gave her a little space, but they spoke this weekend regarding Thanksgiving. She broke down again, said she’s not sure she’s up to the holiday, because she “is going through a lot right now”. DH gently tried to coax out of her what she’s going though, but she wouldn’t divulge, just kept saying, “it’s a lot” through tears. And now he’s annoyed. He thinks she’s using this as an excuse for a multitude of things; she’s always picking fights and is generally difficult overall. DH thinks she’s either sick and dying and doesn’t want anyone to know, or wants everyone to think that so she will gain sympathy (a tactic she’s used for forever.)

How do you tell if someone is being manipulative, or if they are genuinely hurting, when they only vaguely tell you “it’s something” over and over again, but won’t say what.

[Anonymous]

Well I refuse to tell anyone I had breast cancer. If people are not guenuinly invested in me why would I open up with something so personal? you don't get to demand to know what's she's going through to prove she's not manipulating you into caring about her. Be better OP

[Anonymous]

It’s probably similar to vaguebooking. There may be something wrong, but she appreciates the attention she gets leaving you hanging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I refuse to tell anyone I had breast cancer. If people are not guenuinly invested in me why would I open up with something so personal? you don't get to demand to know what's she's going through to prove she's not manipulating you into caring about her. Be better OP

But are you telling people “you’re going through a lot” and leaving them guessing? Probably not.

I’ve been dealing with some stuff this year, and I also haven’t told anyone. But they don’t know any better, and if I’m having a bad day and look tired, become short, etc, I don’t say “be gentle, I’m going through a lot”, I have a generic excuse ready to appease everyone. “I know, I haven’t been sleeping well. My dog keeps waking up/I can’t get my room cool enough/I think I need a new pillow/I’ve been staying up too late watching old movies…”

Don’t be passive aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well I refuse to tell anyone I had breast cancer. If people are not guenuinly invested in me why would I open up with something so personal? you don't get to demand to know what's she's going through to prove she's not manipulating you into caring about her. Be better OP

Did you tell people that you're going through a lot and need xyz all the time? You don't have to tell people your medical issues, but you can't expect people to have a lot of sympathy for constant vague references to "a lot" either. You sound a bit strange yourself.

--NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ILs passed away years ago and the only family DH has left is SIL. A few weeks ago she instigated a fight with DH, and when he stood up for himself, she broke into tears and said people should be kind to her because she’s “going through a lot right now.” They took a bit of a break and he gave her a little space, but they spoke this weekend regarding Thanksgiving. She broke down again, said she’s not sure she’s up to the holiday, because she “is going through a lot right now”. DH gently tried to coax out of her what she’s going though, but she wouldn’t divulge, just kept saying, “it’s a lot” through tears. And now he’s annoyed. He thinks she’s using this as an excuse for a multitude of things; she’s always picking fights and is generally difficult overall. DH thinks she’s either sick and dying and doesn’t want anyone to know, or wants everyone to think that so she will gain sympathy (a tactic she’s used for forever.)

How do you tell if someone is being manipulative, or if they are genuinely hurting, when they only vaguely tell you “it’s something” over and over again, but won’t say what.

You don't know. So you just need to be kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs passed away years ago and the only family DH has left is SIL. A few weeks ago she instigated a fight with DH, and when he stood up for himself, she broke into tears and said people should be kind to her because she’s “going through a lot right now.” They took a bit of a break and he gave her a little space, but they spoke this weekend regarding Thanksgiving. She broke down again, said she’s not sure she’s up to the holiday, because she “is going through a lot right now”. DH gently tried to coax out of her what she’s going though, but she wouldn’t divulge, just kept saying, “it’s a lot” through tears. And now he’s annoyed. He thinks she’s using this as an excuse for a multitude of things; she’s always picking fights and is generally difficult overall. DH thinks she’s either sick and dying and doesn’t want anyone to know, or wants everyone to think that so she will gain sympathy (a tactic she’s used for forever.)

How do you tell if someone is being manipulative, or if they are genuinely hurting, when they only vaguely tell you “it’s something” over and over again, but won’t say what.

You don't know. So you just need to be kind.

But they get a pass on *not* being kind? Sounds convenient.

[Anonymous]

Be supportive, encourage her to skip the holiday!

[Anonymous]

Maybe the election = a lot
Working for the federal govt = a lot
Kids having an issue = a lot

My advice is to give her some space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well I refuse to tell anyone I had breast cancer. If people are not guenuinly invested in me why would I open up with something so personal? you don't get to demand to know what's she's going through to prove she's not manipulating you into caring about her. Be better OP

Did you tell people that you're going through a lot and need xyz all the time? You don't have to tell people your medical issues, but you can't expect people to have a lot of sympathy for constant vague references to "a lot" either. You sound a bit strange yourself.

--NP

I don't expect any sympathy. But if you keep pestering me about something and I say I am going through a lot, I expect you to back off and stop pestering me. If you don't like my answer, that's on you. You don't get to demand a better answer to appease yourself.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, the people who cannot share basic info have trust and other serious issues (the PP is one example), or are attention-seekers, like you suspect your SIL is. Both of these personalities are very difficult to deal with, and the best you can do for both is to distance yourself. The former doesn't want your attention, the latter seeks an unhealthy level of attention.

I'm going through a lot right now. I have cardiac and other symptoms that are making me completely unable to work, and not quite able to care for my kids, and it's been challenging to identify the cause and treat it. Some days I feel I'm going crazy. But I've told the people I'm closest to, obviously. If I had a sibling, that would include the sibling.

So your husband has no choice but to leave her alone. He should remind her to get a complete physical at the doctor's, consult specialists if need be, and to rule out anything medical before she explores psychiatric causes like depression and anxiety. That way, she will know she can't bluff him, and the advice is good anyway.

[Anonymous]

Maybe in the past, you’ve aggressively given unhelpful advice.

When I was divorcing, and my ex was being particularly difficult, if I shared with my mom, she would offer really unhelpful, outdated advice (like “you just need to go to court and get full custody”, which was not going to happen in my situation). She would sulk and pout if I tried to point out why that wasn’t feasible (jurisdiction, modern family law, finances, circumstances), and then accuse me of being a bad parent. I always hung up feeling even shittier than I already did.

So instead, I just wouldn’t talk about it with her.

You could insert any other number of difficult circumstances: maybe she has a health issue and you’re the type to suggest cutting out gluten or drinking a gallon of honey every day. Maybe she’s in unexpected financial trouble, and doesn’t want your advice to cut out Starbucks. Maybe her boss is abusive and knows you will tell her to just find another job.

I suggest just saying something like “I’m here to listen if you need to talk”, and then keep your mouth shut if she does come to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, the people who cannot share basic info have trust and other serious issues (the PP is one example), or are attention-seekers, like you suspect your SIL is. Both of these personalities are very difficult to deal with, and the best you can do for both is to distance yourself. The former doesn't want your attention, the latter seeks an unhealthy level of attention.

I'm going through a lot right now. I have cardiac and other symptoms that are making me completely unable to work, and not quite able to care for my kids, and it's been challenging to identify the cause and treat it. Some days I feel I'm going crazy. But I've told the people I'm closest to, obviously. If I had a sibling, that would include the sibling.

So your husband has no choice but to leave her alone. He should remind her to get a complete physical at the doctor's, consult specialists if need be, and to rule out anything medical before she explores psychiatric causes like depression and anxiety. That way, she will know she can't bluff him, and the advice is good anyway.

Typical DCUM that you somehow make me not sharing my diagnosis is about you and there is something wrong with me not sharing. Such BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ILs passed away years ago and the only family DH has left is SIL. A few weeks ago she instigated a fight with DH, and when he stood up for himself, she broke into tears and said people should be kind to her because she’s “going through a lot right now.” They took a bit of a break and he gave her a little space, but they spoke this weekend regarding Thanksgiving. She broke down again, said she’s not sure she’s up to the holiday, because she “is going through a lot right now”. DH gently tried to coax out of her what she’s going though, but she wouldn’t divulge, just kept saying, “it’s a lot” through tears. And now he’s annoyed. He thinks she’s using this as an excuse for a multitude of things; she’s always picking fights and is generally difficult overall. DH thinks she’s either sick and dying and doesn’t want anyone to know, or wants everyone to think that so she will gain sympathy (a tactic she’s used for forever.)

How do you tell if someone is being manipulative, or if they are genuinely hurting, when they only vaguely tell you “it’s something” over and over again, but won’t say what.

You don't know. So you just need to be kind.

But they get a pass on *not* being kind? Sounds convenient.

Give her space, and she can't really be unkind. The fact that she knows she cannot be kind to her only family right now, and says she's going through a lot is enough. Believe her.

[Anonymous]

Her H is cheating. She's not going to tell you because they are "working it out".