Dating someone with a terminal illness

[Anonymous]

I’ve been dating someone for 6 months. We recently started talking about marriage and the future. He had been having dizzy spells and headaches and went for testing. He was diagnosed with glioblastoma and told me so today in a very matter of fact nonchalant way. I’m not sure how to digest this and what I’m supposed to be doing. He doesn’t seem to want to talk about it and I want to try to do everything I can for him but I’m at a loss of what to do. I’m looking for advice.

[Anonymous]

Cut him loose. You were nuts to talk marriage after only six months!

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but this just sucks.

[Anonymous]

Did he know he was sick and hid it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been dating someone for 6 months. We recently started talking about marriage and the future. He had been having dizzy spells and headaches and went for testing. He was diagnosed with glioblastoma and told me so today in a very matter of fact nonchalant way. I’m not sure how to digest this and what I’m supposed to be doing. He doesn’t seem to want to talk about it and I want to try to do everything I can for him but I’m at a loss of what to do. I’m looking for advice.

If he won't talk, you can't help him. Maybe back off for a bit and see what he does.

[Anonymous]

This is a very serious diagnosis; my relative lived 18 months, which is about average. There are some outliers, and I hope your BF is one if them, but it’s very rare. I’m so very sorry, OP. I’m sure he’s digesting it and does not know what to do, either. Just follow his cues for now; he will be in the midst of treatment soon and there will be no way to maintain “matter of fact.”

Do you love him? Do you want to be his caregiver? Would you want to marry him before he passes? Do some soul-searching to figure out what you’re willing to do, what your comfort level is, etc. And then follow his cues.

He may be open about his prognosis or remain positive and embrace treatment with hope, and you will need to respect his process. But if he brings up marriage, you will have to have a very real conversation. You have to be true to yourself too.

What a tragic situation, my heart goes out to you both. Sending love.

[Anonymous]

He also may push you away/end the relationship. Just take one day at a time right now. This has to be such a shock, I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry Op. I would personally not break up with someone I was considering marrying at a time he needs support the most. But it depends on your ability to be a friend and caregiver at this time.

Earlier this year there was a promising study of mRNA vaccines (immunotherapy) for glioblastoma at the University of Florida. The Duke Tisch center is also at the forefront of research. Glioblastoma wasn’t budging for decades from the 18 months diagnosis but it seems there is finally a little bit of progress. I wish the best to your boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry to hear about this.

My grandfather died from glioblastoma. Most people do.

If you are at the age where you are looking to get married and have kids, you may want to consider dating other people. You could still be a friend to him, but you may not want to sacrifice years of your life being exclusive with someone who will likely die. Especially since he doesn’t seem to be encouraging your support

[Anonymous]

My relative lived for 4 years after their glioblastoma diagnosis, but the quality of life was poor. The average prognosis is about 18-24 months. I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Man, this is hard.

Can you write him a letter outlining your support? Emphasize you want to be here with him through this, etc.

Letters are personal, and when written from the heart he might see he can open up to tou.

[Anonymous]

What are you ages? That’s a tough one with no easy answer. Sorry for both of you.

[Anonymous]

He’s still coping with this shocking news in an even deeper way than you are so his not wanting to talk right now is partly a defense mechanism and partly because he probably doesn’t know much yet. Spend this time looking inward at how you want to walk with him through this so you’ll be ready to talk more deeply when he is.

[Anonymous]

Just politely move on. He will understand.

[Anonymous]

I am sure he is reeling at the news. Does he have family local? I am sure this is overwhelming to him right now. There is a lot he has to process. He may be trying to figure out what comes next and how to get the care he will need. This is a tough, tough diagnosis. Having known three people diagnosed in the past 5 years, I would say he needs to decide how and where he wants to die - if he has no family local, who will take care of him? Should he move home? What happens with his job and insurance? And I'm sure also what about this wonderful person he loves and wants a future with?

I am sure the grief and rage and fear at all he will lose are also dominating.

I think you need to decide what you want. Staying with him through the early stages at a minimum? Taking it one day at a time?

I agree with another poster - this might be the time to write this down so that he can process it along with every other thing he is processing. Make it clear you're there for him (if you are) and you want to be part of his support network and you will follow his lead.