When do I get to stop worrying about my kids?

[Anonymous]

Do you still worry about grades when they are in college? Do you worry about their job search, jobs, love life, general situation? I feel like I am at fever pitch now with senior year and it is absolutely wrecking my health. I don't want to always worry like this for the rest of my life about my kids.

[Anonymous]

Nope. Residential college is a great in-between step for families. My kid is figuring out a lot of stuff in a supported environment and I am coaching from the sidelines. My stress is way down.

[Anonymous]

Same. Two kids in college out of state. I worry very little. I know things can go off the rails. . . But no worrying until I have a reason to.

[Anonymous]

I haven't even asked DD about her grades once.

[Anonymous]

My mom is 69 and still worries about my sister and me to some extent, even though we are well established adults.

[Anonymous]

I'm a worrier, and trying to treat that, actually. One of my kids has ADHD and autism. The other has a chronic disease. It's not good. I am going to worry about them all their lives.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully having some distance next year will help with this.

The "worrying" doesn't stop, but you can learn to compartmentalize it and live with it without having it ruin your health.

As moms, kids will often dump their worries/problems on us, then they will feel better because they got it out, and meanwhile, we will pick up the mantle and continue carrying it. Remind yourself that it's through struggle that there is growth. Also remind yourself that most kids end up at a college they are happy with. The amount of stress with college admissions these days is not worth the prize. Their admission stats are not a grade for their parenting. They will be fine. Don't add the stress of your anxiety to what they are already feeling. Be a rock of confidence that everything is going to be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 69 and still worries about my sister and me to some extent, even though we are well established adults.

My mom is almost ninety and has said that she can’t die until my divorced sister is remarried “so she has someone to look after her.”

[Anonymous]

If the stuff you’re worrying about now is typical senior year stuff (grades, behavior, social stress, logistics) and not Big Stuff (like a major physical or mental health problem or drug addiction or something), and your worrying is so extreme it’s impacting you this much, it won’t go away until you learn skills to deal with it.

This was my mother - her endless anxiety about my fairly regular (though somewhat adventurous) life in my late teens and through my 20s was terrible for her and terrible for our relationship. Stop waiting for it to just end (it never will) and figure out some ways to detach, cope, and let go a bit starting now, in therapy if you have to.

[Anonymous]

I’ve found that the answer to your question is when you decide. I struggled with letting go of the worries. It’s especially hard because I have an adult child with mental health problems. But off I want to enjoy life and enjoy
My kids as adults (still have one not yet there), I have to let them live their own lives, let them make mistakes and then fix them and help when they ask but within reason. Like not bailing out but assisting with problem solving or planning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you still worry about grades when they are in college? Do you worry about their job search, jobs, love life, general situation? I feel like I am at fever pitch now with senior year and it is absolutely wrecking my health. I don't want to always worry like this for the rest of my life about my kids.

Once you are a parent, you'll always have worries. However, it shouldn't take over your life. You need to practice meditation, seek therapy or take anxiety medication.

[Anonymous]

If you are a worrier, you will never stop worrying. Ours are both in college, and I worry about one's life skills. They are doing great, going to graduate Summa Cum Laude, but don't have great adulting skills (looking for an apartment now for after graduating and is completely stressed out about the process - having champagne taste and beer budget isn't helping). The other is a world travel, did a study abroad last year, and while I worry less about their life skills, I worry more about their mental health, which is tenuous at best.

My own mother had never been a worrier and never has worried about me or my sibling

[Anonymous]

I think it's normal for parents to always worry a bit about their children ... but not to the degree you seem to be talking about, OP. That is not normal or healthy.

I don't know if your children are particularly deserving of that level of concern, or if it's an anxiety issue on your part. I kinda get the sense it's the latter, but there's not enough info in your OP so I could be off base there. But I'd encourage you to consider this possibility, and look into ways to manage your anxiety.

I have a high school senior. Of course I'm thinking about his future, hoping he gets the college he wants. But if you ask me what my top emotion is about him right now, I'd say I'm excited for him. His whole life is wide open in front of him. I don't worry about his grades now (I do check in with him regularly to make sure he's feeling OK about his classes, but I don't worry about them), so I can't see myself worrying about them when he's off at college. Wherever he ends up, both for college and after college, I expect he'll be able to live a happy life. I care more any that than about him finding the "right" job or getting married at the "right" time.

My sister, who is a worrier, talks a lot more like you. I fear she will smother her child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully having some distance next year will help with this.

The "worrying" doesn't stop, but you can learn to compartmentalize it and live with it without having it ruin your health.

As moms, kids will often dump their worries/problems on us, then they will feel better because they got it out, and meanwhile, we will pick up the mantle and continue carrying it. Remind yourself that it's through struggle that there is growth. Also remind yourself that most kids end up at a college they are happy with. The amount of stress with college admissions these days is not worth the prize. Their admission stats are not a grade for their parenting. They will be fine. Don't add the stress of your anxiety to what they are already feeling. Be a rock of confidence that everything is going to be ok.

Yes! My kids are both dumpers. Yesterday dd came back from school and she dumped 3 fairly big issues onto me within 5 minutes. I would really like NOT to worry, but when I get dumped on, my instinct is to tense up about it and want to offer advice/fix it. Lately I am trying to not do this as much, but it requires actively tuning my kids out completely, letting a lot go that I theoretically find important and would want to help with. So there is a constant dumping on me and then simultaneously telling me not to worry about it, when really had I worried about it the situation might not have happened in the first place. It's disorienting. I'd rather my kids share much much less sometimes because I'd be blissfully ignorant and happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully having some distance next year will help with this.

The "worrying" doesn't stop, but you can learn to compartmentalize it and live with it without having it ruin your health.

As moms, kids will often dump their worries/problems on us, then they will feel better because they got it out, and meanwhile, we will pick up the mantle and continue carrying it. Remind yourself that it's through struggle that there is growth. Also remind yourself that most kids end up at a college they are happy with. The amount of stress with college admissions these days is not worth the prize. Their admission stats are not a grade for their parenting. They will be fine. Don't add the stress of your anxiety to what they are already feeling. Be a rock of confidence that everything is going to be ok.

Yes! My kids are both dumpers. Yesterday dd came back from school and she dumped 3 fairly big issues onto me within 5 minutes. I would really like NOT to worry, but when I get dumped on, my instinct is to tense up about it and want to offer advice/fix it. Lately I am trying to not do this as much, but it requires actively tuning my kids out completely, letting a lot go that I theoretically find important and would want to help with. So there is a constant dumping on me and then simultaneously telling me not to worry about it, when really had I worried about it the situation might not have happened in the first place. It's disorienting. I'd rather my kids share much much less sometimes because I'd be blissfully ignorant and happy.

If your kids feel like they can confide in you, they must value your opinion and feel close to you. Both of these things are good. You can try to be the tree in the storm, firmly planted as crises swirl around you. Also, I have noticed - and maybe you do, too - that when they need me they ask for help. So I can assume that when they are not asking for help, things are going ok.