How do I stop having a crush?
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Anonymous
| I’m married and I need to stop myself from having a crush on another man. How do I stop it? |
Anonymous
|
We should have a sticky for this:
ENJOY YOUR CRUSHES. THEY ARE NORMAL AND ALLOW FOR HEALTHY FANTASIES. DO NOT ACT ON SAID FANTASIES. Never try to stomp on innocent crushes, people. They will just come back with a vengeance. You enjoy the feeling while it lasts. Then it's on to the next crush. Such is life. |
Anonymous
| Don’t know, had one going for two yrs and nothing has helped. Even when I distance myself it all comes back next time we interact. It doesn’t help that the crush is mutual. |
Anonymous
| Redirect everytime you have an inappropriate thought or feeling. Every time. |
Anonymous
| Op here: I’m being pathetic though. I’m cyber stalking and accidentally liking posts 🤦♀️ I don’t know what has come over me. I really need to get a grip but I’m struggling with it. Someone snap me out of it. I need to be told the truth |
Anonymous
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It’s not an accident that you are liking the posts.
You are doing it deliberately to test whether he will notice you because you want to know if it’s a possibility before you decide whether you are really going to shut it down. It’s grossly disrespectful to your spouse, OP. Knock it off. |
Anonymous
Ok stop doing that. That's weird, embarrassing and juvenile. |
Anonymous
|
Is it affecting your marriage?
Sometimes the crush can erode the marriage -- you start comparing your DH with your fantasized version of the other guy, and, almost by definition, fantasies tend to win the comparison. But sometimes the dopamine hit generates energy that you can redirect toward your marriage and DH. |
Anonymous
This, what PP says. I also agree with the earlier PP who notes in all caps that crushes are OK -- if innocent and not acted on. OP, you need to stop looking for the crush's social media posts. Stop it now. You know this, or you wouldn't be posting here, so just do it right now. I'm figuring this is a real person you encounter in your real life and not a celebrity/actor/musician whatever; if this is a real-life person you need to ax the social media looks. Stop following, don't just mute but unfollow. Whenever you want to reach for the phone or the computer to check his posts or look hiim up etc., replace that with another action immediately, get up and go somewhere, even if it's just going to another room (without your phone in your hand!). You can fantasize as long as it's not affecting your marriage or any other aspect of your life (like going out of your way to encounter him -- for example, just "accidentally on purpose" being at some event where you think he'll be, or turning up at the school pickup line at a certain time because you think he'll be there, or whatever). If you're angling to see him in person, stop that. If you just truly encounter him by accident, that's not on you, but don't linger. Go away with your DH. If you have kids, go without kids if at all possible. Go somewhere new and different and distracting and make memories with DH. You can still think about the other guy, OP. But stop looking at his social media, don't go where he'll be, etc. Over time, the crush feelings will mellow out if you stop stoking them and focus on your DH and why you married him in the first place. I've had a deep crush on someone for quite a long time, but he's not, and never has been or will be, in my day to day life (i've met him very briefly a few times but he lives thousands of miles away), and it has actually helped my marriage. But I know how to keep it in check and in time you will know too. |
Anonymous
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No matter how good looking and what their public face appears like to you, tell yourself that your crush may turn out to be the worst spouse ever. Whatever bad traits your spouse may have, imagine that this person could be worse.
Ask yourself what this crush has that appeals to you so much. It may be what’s missing in your life. Try to work towards that but within your current family. A vacation with your spouse, like a PP suggested, would be a good distraction. Start planning! |
Anonymous
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Crushes happen, yes. But this sounds like more than a crush and it can easily slip into dangerous territory. You clearly have their personal info (SM) and are SHOWING PUBLICALLY that you "like" them. You know other people can see that, right? Your friends, his family, whoever else you have on SM. Can all see that.
How would you feel if your DH was stalking some hottie he was into and liking her pictures? Having your mother and sister see that he's liking naughty pictures? Knowing he's imagining f***ing her brains out while you are scrubbing his laundry? If you wouldn't want it done to you, why would you do it to him? This is supposed to be the person you promised to forsake all others and support come hell or high water. Is this behavior indicative of that? |
Anonymous
"Accidentally"? Puh-leeze stop with the BS. |
Anonymous
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I don’t think you can.
However you can be proactive in how you choose to deal w/these feelings. Recognizing that having these feelings is okay - however acting on them is not. Your best bet is to separate yourself from this person as much as you can by decreasing contact as much as possible. Good luck OP. 👍🏽 |
Anonymous
| My crushes have been at low points in my marriage and signal to me that I need to refocus on my marriage. |
Anonymous
| My crush would thankfully be an awful spouse and my spouse is awesome. Phew. |