Do have a parent who makes you look bad to make your other sibling feel good?

[Anonymous]

I had a complicated relationship with my mother, mainly due to the very different ways she parented me and my older sibling. To keep it short, my mother always said she felt terrible that people found me more attractive and were more drawn to me while my sibling was invisible. She would often say, you got all the beauty and they got all the brains and throw all of her attention into my siblings academics etc. As kids this only seemed to be something my mom noticed, but my sibling did develop some substance use issues and didn't take care of their health later. The difference became apparent, so my mother ramped up her behavior even more, teasing or belittling me and giving my sibling over-the-top praise. With therapy, I realized my mother would make me feel bad so that my sibling would feel good. My mom and siblings would often gang up on me or exclude me together. This pattern continued until our mothers passed this year. I'm now realizing how much it has impacted me. I’m a classic overachiever with terrible guilt and anxiety, and no surprise, I have a poor relationship with my siblings because they can't be by me without criticizing me. I'm just curious if others had this dynamic and how they cope/coped.

[Anonymous]

I was the blonde beauty and my sister and mother had dark hair and were slightly above average in looks. They seemed to have this bond…they thought they were more like sisters and I was the outsider. My mother stopped telling me I was pretty at some point and really pushed my sister to get cool hairstyles (80s geometric cuts) so she could model for the local hair salons.

[Anonymous]

My sister could do no wrong and my mom made me aware of that. Sister can still do no wrong, and it is not a good thing for my mom's and my relationship. It is grating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a complicated relationship with my mother, mainly due to the very different ways she parented me and my older sibling. To keep it short, my mother always said she felt terrible that people found me more attractive and were more drawn to me while my sibling was invisible. She would often say, you got all the beauty and they got all the brains and throw all of her attention into my siblings academics etc. As kids this only seemed to be something my mom noticed, but my sibling did develop some substance use issues and didn't take care of their health later. The difference became apparent, so my mother ramped up her behavior even more, teasing or belittling me and giving my sibling over-the-top praise. With therapy, I realized my mother would make me feel bad so that my sibling would feel good. My mom and siblings would often gang up on me or exclude me together. This pattern continued until our mothers passed this year. I'm now realizing how much it has impacted me. I’m a classic overachiever with terrible guilt and anxiety, and no surprise, I have a poor relationship with my siblings because they can't be by me without criticizing me. I'm just curious if others had this dynamic and how they cope/coped.

They've just picked up the behavior from your mother. It's not who you are. See it like an ailment and move on with your life. Don't spend a lot of time around them. It's like trying to convince a cheating spouse to come back to the marriage. Till your mom somehow goes away, she will always be a crutch they can rely on.

[Anonymous]

Website - Out of the Fog

YouTube - Dr. Ramani

You have a family with personality disorders. You were the scapegoat. The only way forward is to gray rock these people and live your best life.

[Anonymous]

That was the dynamic growing up in my family. I was academically great and my parents (and sometimes their friends) would ignore or put down my achievements to play up my younger brother. It made me feel bad because I was a kid. But I didn't really believe them because deep down, I knew I was good at many things. It was the truth and it helped me to power through their weirdness. I minimally make contact now so I'm not sure how they see me now. It's probably the same dynamic. I wouldn't know.

[Anonymous]

I'm an only child, but my MIL sometimes does that. Rarely, she complains to me about it. Sometimes I feel she has a legitimate reason, and sometimes it's just that she's out of touch: she's been battling Parkinson's for years and can't keep up, particularly in regards to societal expectations of women.

She absolutely tends to categorize her kids in the way you describe (the smart one, the handsome one, the fun one, etc), but they're all boys, and don't care that much, except for her oldest, who was given a harder time. He has some resentment. He's also the one who takes most care of his mother! I don't interfere. He's a grown man, he does what he wants.

Also, I'm a geneticist. You need to consider that people are born with innate personality traits. It's not all nurture! You were born with tendencies to perfectionism, anxiety, etc. Your siblings were born with a predisposition to addiction. None of these things are your mother's fault. I have a kid with ADHD and autism. I also have one without. I praise effort in my house and I try not to compare them, because it would be devastating for the oldest to praise achievement.

[Anonymous]

Kind of. My sister is always badmouthing me and my Mom doesn't check her on it. I draw boundaries and give her the rope to hang herself with at this point. I have my own family and no bandwidth for her nonsense. She just alienates herself more and more from everyone so the issue isn't just our relationship it's all of her relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the blonde beauty and my sister and mother had dark hair and were slightly above average in looks. They seemed to have this bond…they thought they were more like sisters and I was the outsider. My mother stopped telling me I was pretty at some point and really pushed my sister to get cool hairstyles (80s geometric cuts) so she could model for the local hair salons.

Me too! My parents used to have a little chant-like nursery rhyme about how ugly I was, each line picking apart my features. I remember them saying it all the time from my early childhood until I was a teenager. Then I started modeling and that was enough external validation to prove that they were wrong. As far as my internal validation and healing, that took much longer. I did a lot work and therapy and didn't feel totally ok until my early 30s.

My sister has a facial deformity that was partially corrected through cosmetic surgery when she was little, but it was still visible. Now I know they were just trying to make her feel better at my expense.