Reply to Can someone explain the mentality of never being proactive or organized to me?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's the ADHD/ASD profile. There aren't enough neurotransmitters when you need them (for my husband to remember to prepare taxes well in advance of the deadline, for example), and there can be too many at inopportune times, like at midnight playing video games (that's my ADHD/ASD college son).

What has destroyed our marriage isn't the mistakes and forgotten widgets. It's the gaslighting and scapegoating when he realizes he's made a mistake, or when he misinterprets what I say and automatically sees it as an attack.

After 20 years of trying, I am done with this relationship. [/quote]

Me again. I have mild ADHD. All these mental disorders exist on a spectrum, OP. I have nowhere near the level of disability that my husband has. I don't have autism either, which means that when I procrastinate or forget things, I have the emotional quotient and executive function to apologize/reason/plan my way back to a good place. When it happens to him (a lot more often than it does to me), he's stuck at the emotional level of a teen, and instantly feels angry and wants to point fingers at someone else. He hyperfocused his way into dating me, because at the time it was a priority for him, and he was capable of running a couple's household without any issues. But once two kids came along, he couldn't deal, organizationally or emotionally. He's slowly fallen apart ever since, and now the default is a punitive, angry response every time he messes up.

So yes, the severity of the disorder matters a lot. As does intrinsic personality, I suppose. My ADHD/ASD son is never vindictive or angry. But maybe life hasn't beaten him down yet...

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