My mother thinks that I "don't work" because I am self-employed

[Anonymous]

I have my own successful consulting business and work from home. I have an assistant and another employee. I have a PhD and am one of the foremost authorities in my narrow specialty in the US. I earn between $200k and $300k per year. I work part-time. During Covid I was able to reduce my work load to take care of my young child.

My mother knows all of the above. Still, she considers that I "don't work", because I am not employed somewhere. It is very annoying, downright hurtful. I questioned her, and she says that it is because I "don't have a steady, dependable income."

By contrast, my sister works as an executive of a large company in Europe. She works long and exhausting hours, takes little vacation and has very little flexibility. On average, she earns slightly less than me. My mother respects her a lot more than me. She defers to my sister in everything, even non-work-related issues.

Just for context, this wasn't like this growing up. I was supposed to go on to have a "traditional career in a big organization", while my sister was the black sheep of the family who did poorly in school.

Does anyone else have a similar experience?

[Anonymous]

Guess which kid is going to look after your mother when she needs help?




Not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Guess which kid is going to look after your mother when she needs help?




Not you.

OP here. I'm not sure why you would draw this conclusion. Actually, my sister and I both take care of our mother. She is now terminally ill with cancer. However, her attitude toward our work situation has been the same for the past 15 years.

[Anonymous]

Does it matter?

She's allowed to be stupid.

[Anonymous]

Tell her it's just so hard, and you need money from her to get by and support her grandkids.

[Anonymous]

If she can't comprehend, then just roll with it and agree with her nonsense. Yeah, mom, I'm just sitting on my ass today. Maybe you can join us in the ally for dinner next week. I can dig some sandwiches out of the dumpster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Guess which kid is going to look after your mother when she needs help?




Not you.

OP here. I'm not sure why you would draw this conclusion. Actually, my sister and I both take care of our mother. She is now terminally ill with cancer. However, her attitude toward our work situation has been the same for the past 15 years.

Hmm. So you're saying this is actually not the big deal you make it out to be, and you actually have a great relationship with your mother... in which case, why did you create a thread on DCUM?

If you whine about something, we're going to give you solutions to bring you peace. There are lots of people who post on here with abusive or disrespectful relatives. It benefits them to distance themselves from the toxic people.

If you just wanted to hear sympathetic noises, sure: I'm sorry, OP, that your mother does not recognize your professional worth.

[Anonymous]

My mom thinks odd things too. She wants my DH to validate things because he’s a man. Even if it’s my area of expertise and DH knows very little about it, she wants him to weigh in. She can’t move forward until DH says “sounds good” which he’s happy to do.

She calls me a “housewife” even though I’ve worked FT for 20 years.

If I work from home, she thinks I’m not working. She’ll call and start telling me a bunch of random stuff. Every time, I say “I’m working, can I call you tonight?” But if she’s visiting and DH is working from home, it’s a different story and she says he shouldn’t be disturbed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Guess which kid is going to look after your mother when she needs help?




Not you.

OP here. I'm not sure why you would draw this conclusion. Actually, my sister and I both take care of our mother. She is now terminally ill with cancer. However, her attitude toward our work situation has been the same for the past 15 years.

Hmm. So you're saying this is actually not the big deal you make it out to be, and you actually have a great relationship with your mother... in which case, why did you create a thread on DCUM?

If you whine about something, we're going to give you solutions to bring you peace. There are lots of people who post on here with abusive or disrespectful relatives. It benefits them to distance themselves from the toxic people.

If you just wanted to hear sympathetic noises, sure: I'm sorry, OP, that your mother does not recognize your professional worth.

OP here. Just because I am being a dutiful daughter and take care of my mother does not mean that I have a great relationship with her. I don't. But she took care of me for the first 16 years of my life, and now I don't want to abandon her. Her attitude still hurts, though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom thinks odd things too. She wants my DH to validate things because he’s a man. Even if it’s my area of expertise and DH knows very little about it, she wants him to weigh in. She can’t move forward until DH says “sounds good” which he’s happy to do.

She calls me a “housewife” even though I’ve worked FT for 20 years.

If I work from home, she thinks I’m not working. She’ll call and start telling me a bunch of random stuff. Every time, I say “I’m working, can I call you tonight?” But if she’s visiting and DH is working from home, it’s a different story and she says he shouldn’t be disturbed.

OP here. That's crazy, PP! It must be hurtful that your mom values a male more than you.

[Anonymous]

Your mother is very old school and she’s not going to change. Don’t be overly sensitive and just live your life as you have nothing to prove to her. If she brings it up just say you love your life and then change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Don’t engage on this topic. If she brings it up, you can say, “Mom, we have had this discussion a hundred times, move on.”

[Anonymous]

The question you need to ask yourself is why her opinion matters so much to you. I get it she's your mother. That's certainly part of why it matters. But after 15 years and when you're a grown adult, why does it matter so much to you. That's your work. Getting to a place where you understand why you care and then moving toward not caring. You'll enjoy it and it will be liberating.

[Anonymous]

Meh, I wouldn't be giving her any money if she thinks I have no job. "Youre right, I don't work and have no money to support you. Good luck with sis"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom thinks odd things too. She wants my DH to validate things because he’s a man. Even if it’s my area of expertise and DH knows very little about it, she wants him to weigh in. She can’t move forward until DH says “sounds good” which he’s happy to do.

She calls me a “housewife” even though I’ve worked FT for 20 years.

If I work from home, she thinks I’m not working. She’ll call and start telling me a bunch of random stuff. Every time, I say “I’m working, can I call you tonight?” But if she’s visiting and DH is working from home, it’s a different story and she says he shouldn’t be disturbed.

OP here. That's crazy, PP! It must be hurtful that your mom values a male more than you.

PP here. At this point, it’s an expected, annoying quirk rather than hurtful. Mostly I just laugh and tell her that’s ridiculous. I did engage in discussion regarding her political statements over the years though and didn’t just laugh those off. She lives in a swing state, and now rants about how crazy and embarrassing Trump is so thankfully some opinions do change!