How to respond in difficult conversations with defensive tween?

[Anonymous]

DS has autism and ADHD and anxiety and reacts very defensively to correction. If it's something small, we can joke about it, and he can change behavior while saving face in a way that seems to work for all of us.

When it's something bigger, it is very difficult to have a productive outcome. He's very smart and will nitpick on irrelevant things (accurately but irrelevantly) when you point out a mistake he has made. He denies it and blames it on other people. This often happens with situations at school, where he can sometimes handle it okay at school but the conversations at home (which we are asked by the school to have) go badly.

It gets into both of us feeling like we need to be "right." I need him to acknowledge that what he did was wrong or at least show that he's taking it seriously while he seems like need to prove that he wasn't wrong. I feel like letting that go will send the message that he didn't do something wrong, but digging in gets us all angry and seems counterproductive. Anyone have experience with how to successfully manage these things?

[Anonymous]

We went to a parent coach a few years ago, because we were in the same situation. The high-level advice (which worked pretty well) was to establish a list of behaviors that you'd like to see, and rewards for meeting expectations. With these kids, rewarding positive behaviors is more effective than punishing negative behaviors. That said, when you must address something (I'm not recommending that you lower the bar on what is acceptable), just point it out, explain what he did wrong (briefly), set forth the consequences, and walk away. That's it. Don't engage further. Don't ask for a concession that you're not going to get. When my kid tried to keep the argument going, I'd say, "I don't negotiate with 10 year olds. We can talk when you calm down." They're better at processing the feedback when they are regulated.

Another strategy is to write a letter. DC prefers a letter when I need to deliver a "Mom lecture" because it is less confrontational. I can also package the material so it is conveyed as constructive criticism rather than just criticism.

Things really improved in eighth grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We went to a parent coach a few years ago, because we were in the same situation. The high-level advice (which worked pretty well) was to establish a list of behaviors that you'd like to see, and rewards for meeting expectations. With these kids, rewarding positive behaviors is more effective than punishing negative behaviors. That said, when you must address something (I'm not recommending that you lower the bar on what is acceptable), just point it out, explain what he did wrong (briefly), set forth the consequences, and walk away. That's it. Don't engage further. Don't ask for a concession that you're not going to get. When my kid tried to keep the argument going, I'd say, "I don't negotiate with 10 year olds. We can talk when you calm down." They're better at processing the feedback when they are regulated.

Another strategy is to write a letter. DC prefers a letter when I need to deliver a "Mom lecture" because it is less confrontational. I can also package the material so it is conveyed as constructive criticism rather than just criticism.

Things really improved in eighth grade.

Thanks! This is great advice, and now that I'm reading it, reminds me of much of the advice we've gotten before from various professionals. I think I struggle it more when it's an external thing because the school is usually like, "Talk with him about it," and I often have only half the info, so it has to become a conversation where we're engaging because I don't even know what really went wrong until we talk.

It's a good point that maybe we can find a way to trim these convos into something less in the future - just, "I heard x from the school. I don't know the whole story, but i expect you to behave in x or y way. This is serious because y and z. I expect you to take it seriously at school when they address it with you tomorrow and to stop z behavior." Then walk away. What do you think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went to a parent coach a few years ago, because we were in the same situation. The high-level advice (which worked pretty well) was to establish a list of behaviors that you'd like to see, and rewards for meeting expectations. With these kids, rewarding positive behaviors is more effective than punishing negative behaviors. That said, when you must address something (I'm not recommending that you lower the bar on what is acceptable), just point it out, explain what he did wrong (briefly), set forth the consequences, and walk away. That's it. Don't engage further. Don't ask for a concession that you're not going to get. When my kid tried to keep the argument going, I'd say, "I don't negotiate with 10 year olds. We can talk when you calm down." They're better at processing the feedback when they are regulated.

Another strategy is to write a letter. DC prefers a letter when I need to deliver a "Mom lecture" because it is less confrontational. I can also package the material so it is conveyed as constructive criticism rather than just criticism.

Things really improved in eighth grade.

Thanks! This is great advice, and now that I'm reading it, reminds me of much of the advice we've gotten before from various professionals. I think I struggle it more when it's an external thing because the school is usually like, "Talk with him about it," and I often have only half the info, so it has to become a conversation where we're engaging because I don't even know what really went wrong until we talk.

It's a good point that maybe we can find a way to trim these convos into something less in the future - just, "I heard x from the school. I don't know the whole story, but i expect you to behave in x or y way. This is serious because y and z. I expect you to take it seriously at school when they address it with you tomorrow and to stop z behavior." Then walk away. What do you think?

After letting him know that the school called and why, I'd fask for his side of the story, because when you lay down the law, he'll have felt "heard." I think he'll be more receptive if you're not reflexively taking the school's side. That doesn't mean you'll negotiate, though. The rest is solid. FWIW, sometimes, after more or less deposing my daughter to figure out what happened, I discovered that the school was being kind of unreasonable. Because I took her side on those rare occasions, I had more credibility when I sided with the school. Also, this is *hard* to execute. I lost my cool, trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went to a parent coach a few years ago, because we were in the same situation. The high-level advice (which worked pretty well) was to establish a list of behaviors that you'd like to see, and rewards for meeting expectations. With these kids, rewarding positive behaviors is more effective than punishing negative behaviors. That said, when you must address something (I'm not recommending that you lower the bar on what is acceptable), just point it out, explain what he did wrong (briefly), set forth the consequences, and walk away. That's it. Don't engage further. Don't ask for a concession that you're not going to get. When my kid tried to keep the argument going, I'd say, "I don't negotiate with 10 year olds. We can talk when you calm down." They're better at processing the feedback when they are regulated.

Another strategy is to write a letter. DC prefers a letter when I need to deliver a "Mom lecture" because it is less confrontational. I can also package the material so it is conveyed as constructive criticism rather than just criticism.

Things really improved in eighth grade.

Thanks! This is great advice, and now that I'm reading it, reminds me of much of the advice we've gotten before from various professionals. I think I struggle it more when it's an external thing because the school is usually like, "Talk with him about it," and I often have only half the info, so it has to become a conversation where we're engaging because I don't even know what really went wrong until we talk.

It's a good point that maybe we can find a way to trim these convos into something less in the future - just, "I heard x from the school. I don't know the whole story, but i expect you to behave in x or y way. This is serious because y and z. I expect you to take it seriously at school when they address it with you tomorrow and to stop z behavior." Then walk away. What do you think?

After letting him know that the school called and why, I'd fask for his side of the story, because when you lay down the law, he'll have felt "heard." I think he'll be more receptive if you're not reflexively taking the school's side. That doesn't mean you'll negotiate, though. The rest is solid. FWIW, sometimes, after more or less deposing my daughter to figure out what happened, I discovered that the school was being kind of unreasonable. Because I took her side on those rare occasions, I had more credibility when I sided with the school. Also, this is *hard* to execute. I lost my cool, trust me.

Thanks. It's hard because "his side" is claiming he did nothing wrong and it wasn't a big deal. Like, schools says to go through emails together that were inappropriate. We do, and he's like, "This is fine. I only did this because of that. They started it. It's no big deal." I guess I can hear that and just respond in the same way, but it's hard not to get dragged into it. I'll keep working on it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We went to a parent coach a few years ago, because we were in the same situation. The high-level advice (which worked pretty well) was to establish a list of behaviors that you'd like to see, and rewards for meeting expectations. With these kids, rewarding positive behaviors is more effective than punishing negative behaviors. That said, when you must address something (I'm not recommending that you lower the bar on what is acceptable), just point it out, explain what he did wrong (briefly), set forth the consequences, and walk away. That's it. Don't engage further. Don't ask for a concession that you're not going to get. When my kid tried to keep the argument going, I'd say, "I don't negotiate with 10 year olds. We can talk when you calm down." They're better at processing the feedback when they are regulated.

Another strategy is to write a letter. DC prefers a letter when I need to deliver a "Mom lecture" because it is less confrontational. I can also package the material so it is conveyed as constructive criticism rather than just criticism.

Things really improved in eighth grade.

These are good tips!
I'll work on them with my own kid.
Now what about my husband who's the same way? What's an alternative to the "I don't negotiate with ten year olds" line?