Reply to How to respond in difficult conversations with defensive tween?

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[quote=Anonymous]We went to a parent coach a few years ago, because we were in the same situation. The high-level advice (which worked pretty well) was to establish a list of behaviors that you'd like to see, and rewards for meeting expectations. With these kids, rewarding positive behaviors is more effective than punishing negative behaviors. That said, when you must address something (I'm not recommending that you lower the bar on what is acceptable), just point it out, explain what he did wrong (briefly), set forth the consequences, and walk away. That's it. Don't engage further. Don't ask for a concession that you're not going to get. When my kid tried to keep the argument going, I'd say, "I don't negotiate with 10 year olds. We can talk when you calm down." They're better at processing the feedback when they are regulated.

Another strategy is to write a letter. DC prefers a letter when I need to deliver a "Mom lecture" because it is less confrontational. I can also package the material so it is conveyed as constructive criticism rather than just criticism.

Things really improved in eighth grade. [/quote]

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