Getting involved when a couple argues in front of you

[Anonymous]

Is it normal or gauche AF (yes, I am editorializing) to take sides in an aggressive way when a couple has a minor disagreement in front of you? DH and I are neither party here — we have a friend who repeatedly takes a side and needles one party when let’s say they argue in a funny way at dinner over whether to redecorate, or plans for a group thing. It happens a lot with one woman, who sees herself as an “activist and truth teller” (I did not know that one could regard redecoration as a political party or philosophy to ride or die for, but) and recently led to some truly awkward circumstances for everyone else present - and we’re all late 40s.

Is this a normal thing, to step in to the degree that one party feels set upon and freaks? Or is it crappy? My vote is obvious I know but I’m wondering if this kind of interaction is seen by many as “banter” even where someone begs to change the subject or cries (yes that’s happened).

[Anonymous]

WTH? I would never go out with these people again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WTH? I would never go out with these people again.

It’s one half of a couple where we like the other person in a couple. This “I have the right to say my truth in all circumstances” trait is a decent unpleasant development. It wears on us but the side-taker acts like we’re bashful nerds for being pretty obviously not into this petty argumentative bs.

[Anonymous]

Lots that shouldn’t be going on here. No couple should be arguing publicly, playfully or otherwise, enough to the point that this is a frequent occurrence. Those people have issues need to get it together. Truth-teller/needler should be left in the dust.

The only exception would be if I saw a close friend being seriously mistreated by their partner in a group setting. I would not whistle and look at the ceiling if that was happening.

[Anonymous]

NEVER get involved. MYOB when a couple is arguing.

I'd only ever intervene when a child or animal is in imminent danger of being harmed or currently being harmed.

[Anonymous]

Well, the "truth-teller" either isn't, or would appreciate being served their own brand, right? So if the "truth" of this situation is that it's gauche af to argue inconsequential nonsense in public, especially after someone asks that the arguer cease and desist, you should tell the "truth-teller" the truth of their actions.

You'll need to be prepared to become their new target, but I don't see why it would matter much. I can't imagine wanting to hang out with someone who regularly behaves this way... If telling the "truth" got me defriended, good riddance to bad rubbish.

[Anonymous]

I would have left. I do not have time for people like that.

[Anonymous]

I don't think there is an issue with trying to diffuse the situation, because arguing in front of a group (or in public) is uncomfortable for everyone else. But that's the extent of "getting involved" I think I would do.

[Anonymous]

Y'all are smarter than me because I can't figure out all the parties here.

Is it one other couple where the wife has become an activist truth teller and the husband is the needler? If so, it sounds like they are having massive marital problems.

You need one person to say, "Larla and Larlo, you guys should work this out at home. More wine?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots that shouldn’t be going on here. No couple should be arguing publicly, playfully or otherwise, enough to the point that this is a frequent occurrence. Those people have issues need to get it together. Truth-teller/needler should be left in the dust.

The only exception would be if I saw a close friend being seriously mistreated by their partner in a group setting. I would not whistle and look at the ceiling if that was happening.

Huh? You must have a dull marriage. Why can't a couple argue playfully in public? Lots of people find that stimulating and meaningful connection. They do it with spouses and friends.

If the argument is playful, I would say join in the fun. If the argument is the source of upset for the couple, I would stay out of it and try to change the subject to mingle elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it normal or gauche AF (yes, I am editorializing) to take sides in an aggressive way when a couple has a minor disagreement in front of you? DH and I are neither party here — we have a friend who repeatedly takes a side and needles one party when let’s say they argue in a funny way at dinner over whether to redecorate, or plans for a group thing. It happens a lot with one woman, who sees herself as an “activist and truth teller” (I did not know that one could regard redecoration as a political party or philosophy to ride or die for, but) and recently led to some truly awkward circumstances for everyone else present - and we’re all late 40s.

Is this a normal thing, to step in to the degree that one party feels set upon and freaks? Or is it crappy? My vote is obvious I know but I’m wondering if this kind of interaction is seen by many as “banter” even where someone begs to change the subject or cries (yes that’s happened).

Your post makes little sense, the way it is written.

No, I don’t only take sides when I see a couple argue. If anything, I’d say I don’t want to hear this and stop it. I would for sure say that if kids were around.

However, I’m not a dummy. I know poor communicators like to use Flying Monkeys at the picnic table to try to bully their spouse into agreeing with them. This is lame and obvious. That I would call out: “Hey Tom, sounds like you two already discussed this and decided so why are your rehashing it with us? Move on.”

Privately I would ask if my friend was alright. Verbal and emotional abuse is abuse.

Normal healthy people don’t bring up their issues at a group dinner in order to corner their spouse. So I don’t tolerate that.

[Anonymous]

So it's one person in the couple who aggravates disagreements and needles their spouse publicly?

Only socialize with the other spouse, then.

If it's a third party, don't socialize.

[Anonymous]

My wife’s friend does this her husband. He and I take very long trips to the garage fridge to get another beer. End up hanging out talking about mountain bikes and snowboarding. Doesn’t both me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife’s friend does this her husband. He and I take very long trips to the garage fridge to get another beer. End up hanging out talking about mountain bikes and snowboarding. Doesn’t both me.

You're a good friend.

[Anonymous]

I don’t associate with people who aren’t mature enough to check their ego’s at the door and can’t keep their emotions in check once they walk through the door.