My mom is dying. I am so lost.

[Anonymous]

I am the only child of a single mother. She is 80 and is was in seemingly great health until she had a stroke and some other issues were identified. She went down hill fast since the beginning of August. She lives about a 2 hour plane ride away. I have three children under 12 and live in dc.

Since she became ill, I have been going back and forth as much as I can. As of tonight, she is back in her house on with 24/7 nursing care and hospice. She is bed bound and almost completely nonverbal.

I am so lost and sad and overwhelmed. I am stunned by how fast this happened. Even as recently as last week, rehab was on the table and then she started having strokes again over the weekend. I am overwhelmed by trying to be there for my kids and be there for her and have everyone’s needs met.

I am a SAHM which is a blessing and a curse right now. I rotate through the heaviest grief I could imagine, panicking at the thought of dealing with the big things after she dies (her large house, her car, all her stuff, all my childhood stuff, so many things that I have nowhere to put but the idea of not having those things anymore is unimaginable), focusing on the all the small things like coordinating doctors and medical things and caregivers, and then sometimes playing candy crush and just zoning out. In between, i try to parent, to be present, but im exhausted.

Since this started, my children have had an absentee mother, distracted mother, now a sobbing mess of a mother. And they are losing their only grandmother, that the older two are very close to. My life is littered with memories of her. She was at all the holidays, the parties, the swim meets, the vacations. She is everywhere. I feel like I will be living under the weight of this void forever.

[Anonymous]

I’m so, so sorry.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. Be there when you can. It is very hard. Be sure and tell her you love her, I didn’t realize my last visit with my Mom was my last (got to tell her how grateful I was she was my Mom but thought I had a few more months). You’ll be ok and the memories will be a saving grace but yes it will be hard. Hugs

[Anonymous]

Hugs from someone who lost her mother four years ago and still feel lost.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. I was devastated when I lost my mom almost 8 years ago and still grieve. I’m sending you a virtual hug.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry.

Be in the moment when you are able to visit Mom. I also had a Mom dying out of state. I don't regret hanging out in the lazyboy chair in her room while she slept.

I started out very slowly clearing things out of Mom's house 6 years ago when Dad died. I would do a tiny amount each visit. When the end came things were more manageable.

[Anonymous]

Go to your mother. Your kids will be ok with dad. It sounds like you need your mum. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

You are showing your children how much you love your mother. Try not to feel guilty. This is a difficult time because you don’t know how long she has. The tasks that will ultimately fall to you eventually will get done on your timeline. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to your mother. Your kids will be ok with dad. It sounds like you need your mum. Hugs.

Also go to your Mom because the 24/7 care and hospice are strangers to her and in her house. I have a different view of eldercare now. Trust no one. Capital Caring Hospice was horrible with my Mom - big business, low level of care, low skills. As is the 24/7 care workers. You need to or someone needs to be there to be her advocate. I'm sorry if this makes you sad, but I hope it makes it clear. Go be with her. Hire someone to oversee her care and BE there - not just at a distance. I trusted my Mom's care to others 4 years ago. I'm still dealing with the trauma of that. If you can't be there, put cameras in every room, most specifically in her room.

[Anonymous]

So sorry OP- try to be with her as much as you can. Agree with others, your kids will be ok.

[Anonymous]

Hugs. This is a hard time for you, do what you can, try to take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

If your mom is in hospice and you don’t work, you should be there. Period

[Anonymous]

You are a SAHM? Most women deal with this WHILE WORKING. I have a very similar situation but I have to be on a call with clients all day today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are a SAHM? Most women deal with this WHILE WORKING. I have a very similar situation but I have to be on a call with clients all day today.

Stop it: this isn't a contest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are showing your children how much you love your mother. Try not to feel guilty. This is a difficult time because you don’t know how long she has. The tasks that will ultimately fall to you eventually will get done on your timeline. Hugs.

Agree, you are teaching them about grief and family and love. We all learn these lessons throughout life.