How to find a school for my autistic daughter

[Anonymous]

DD is 7 and has low support needs autism. She has an IEP but doesn’t need a lot in terms of services. She needs a lot of accommodations for sensory needs and attention. She also needs a kind, gentle, nurturing teacher to help her with emotional regulation. That’s been the hardest part. Even if I pick a good school system and good school, I can’t control from year to year whether the teacher she gets will be warm and understanding, which helps her with emotional regulation, or will be strict and rigid.

Her therapist suggested I explore finding other schools for her, just to know what’s out there, but I don’t know how to do that. What she needs is a warm teacher and understanding admin. She needs social-emotional learning infused into the classroom so that when she has a conflict, the teacher can help her understand what happened. She doesn’t really need a separate social skills class, because that hasn’t been helpful anyway. She basically needs preschool! But for second grade and the rest of elementary school. And she’s academically gifted.

I don’t think I can afford a private school, but even if I could, I don’t think they would accept her, because she yells when she gets upset. I think we’d get kicked out.

Teachers at her current public school keep using behavioral modification techniques like prizes for certain behaviors, and they are behaviors that she is not capable of doing, like “sitting still in your seat.” To their credit, they have been willing to modify the behavior chart once I’ve spoken to them, but how do I find a school that understands that an autistic child might not be able to do the things on the behavior chart? I feel like this shouldn’t be news to them. We are in APS.

Help please.

[Anonymous]

I hate to tell you this but… it may not exist locally.

We’ve tried it all. And I mean “all.” Small private mainstream didn’t have resources to support specialized needs. Public special programs were mainstreamed most of the day which caused sensory meltdowns. Non-public’s were heavy into behavioral techniques that were traumatizing. When we finally got a great teacher, the administration wouldn’t budge on flexibility.

It’s a bit like Goldilocks, but the stakes for our kids failing is high.

[Anonymous]

My child has similar needs, but we're 10 years farther down the road than you. We didn't find what you (and we) needed until high school. It was really tough.

[Anonymous]

Diener is pretty amazing. Take a look.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thank you for the replies. We could move anywhere, probably. I work remotely and DH could easily get a job in a new city. But I think it’s impossible to guarantee kind teachers ANYWHERE, right? There are bad teachers or strict teachers or ill-informed teachers (and same for admin) anywhere, so I just don’t see how you could move to try to find a school that better meets the needs of a child like mine.

I am thinking, for example, of the fact that people say Massachusetts is great for giving IEP services. But the problem I have isn’t so much lack of services (although there’s that here too), but more so the teaching philosophy issue. There are probably behavior charts in Massachusetts too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thank you for the replies. We could move anywhere, probably. I work remotely and DH could easily get a job in a new city. But I think it’s impossible to guarantee kind teachers ANYWHERE, right? There are bad teachers or strict teachers or ill-informed teachers (and same for admin) anywhere, so I just don’t see how you could move to try to find a school that better meets the needs of a child like mine.

I am thinking, for example, of the fact that people say Massachusetts is great for giving IEP services. But the problem I have isn’t so much lack of services (although there’s that here too), but more so the teaching philosophy issue. There are probably behavior charts in Massachusetts too!

Unfortunately, you aren’t likely to outrun behavioral charts and hit or miss teachers.

You may have luck in a specialized private, but there aren’t that many that cater to this profile in elementary. There are a few more options in middle school and high school, especially if your kid can do virtual. (Virtual private)

Also, think about the effect on moving for an ASD kid at this age. Lots of change, uncertainty, stress, new school, new friends, new house etc. If you don’t have to move then choose stability of staying where you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Diener is pretty amazing. Take a look.

This. It sounds like a perfect fit. I wouldn’t worry too much about academics at 7.

[Anonymous]

Rather than characterize all these teachers as bad or unkind, I’d encourage you to imagine your child in the context of 25 other children. Imagine that the 24 others also have specific needs, and you can understand why schools operate differently from preschools (usually one staff member for every 8 children) and home (usually one parent for every 1-3 children).

[Anonymous]

You need to teach her to sit in a chair and not to yell. Try homeschool for a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rather than characterize all these teachers as bad or unkind, I’d encourage you to imagine your child in the context of 25 other children. Imagine that the 24 others also have specific needs, and you can understand why schools operate differently from preschools (usually one staff member for every 8 children) and home (usually one parent for every 1-3 children).

Sure, fine. Makes sense. But it’s not working, so that’s why I’m asking how I can find something else. And see the next comment for what I’m trying to get away from. “You need to teach your disabled child to not be disabled.”

[Anonymous]

Stop blaming the autism and create higher expectations for your child. Sounds like that’s what the teachers are trying to do but you’re getting in their way.

[Anonymous]

I think the Trumps chose ST Andrews for this reason. (But note they didn’t accept my child when we applied at the same age in part I think because his public schooll teacher gave him such a bad review. ). At the end of the day we did okay in public school but working with admin so they understood the needs and tried to find a good personality fit for him with the teacher assignments. As far as the behavioral stuff you are probably at the hardest point right now. The social stuff will get harder in late elementary school and middle school though. And you might want to think about social skills classes prior to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rather than characterize all these teachers as bad or unkind, I’d encourage you to imagine your child in the context of 25 other children. Imagine that the 24 others also have specific needs, and you can understand why schools operate differently from preschools (usually one staff member for every 8 children) and home (usually one parent for every 1-3 children).

Sure, fine. Makes sense. But it’s not working, so that’s why I’m asking how I can find something else. And see the next comment for what I’m trying to get away from. “You need to teach your disabled child to not be disabled.”

Calm down lady. Teaching your child to sit in a chair and not yell in class is not teaching your disabled child not to be disabled. You have a chip on your shoulder. You have low expectations, your child is capable of more. I would bet money on it.

[Anonymous]

If public is the only financial option and you're open to moving, I would start by looking at areas of the country known for strong special education programs, and then narrow in on large elementary schools, and then screen for supportive administration and willingness to write preferential teacher selection into her IEP. While it seems counter-intuitive, if you look for a school with 5+ classrooms per grade the odds that one of the teachers will be a fit for her is higher. From there you just need an administration that is willing to prioritize her placement with a good-fit teacher.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you have to re-define foryourself what your child’s needs are. She is not low support needs if she can’t sit in a chair, needs a lot of sensory and attention supports and explicit social emotional instruction, plus has outbursts. This sounds like moderate support needs at minimum. If your only choice is publics, you need to decide with her specialists whether she should be 1) mainstreamed in gen ed or 2) go to one of ASD specific programs (special ed). For 1) to happen, there needs to be a behavior modification program, otherwise it will keep getting worse. Hoping for unicorn teacher for every grade is not a good educational strategy. For 2) - check what APS offers, that may realistically be the best option for her at the moment.

Basically, you need to work on her functioning, one way or another, otherwise he academic giftedness will not be of any use to her long term.