no good deed goes unpunished

[Anonymous]

so I know this is a stage in dementia, but we've entered the territory where my mom is just being mean and cruel to me. Left a long rambling message last night on my phone about how I think I'm such "hot sh$t" and how neglect her and leave her to rot; how she never would have come out here had she known that i would abandon her; that the TV I got her is horrible and no one can figure it out; how I rush around all the time stomp stomp stomp; how i shop for clothes all the time for me (ha) but cant be bothered to take her out (because I bought her some new clothes on amazon?); how she can't see and i'm getting her the wrong glasses (she's lost 3 pairs in as many weeks and is using old ones I think); and--the best part--"you're becoming more and more like your mother." She meant her mother, who she hated, I'm sure but it was kind of funny in a grim way.

This came on because we were away for a week and so she was "on her own"-which means assisted living plus someone who comes in 3x/week to help her with whatever. She's in a very high end assisted living facility and there are multiple activities a day, lots of people, events, meals, outings (that she wont do). We came back yesterday and I came over with some groceries and a smoothie but I couldn't stay long because we had to get the dog before daycare closed; spouse stepped on a rusty nail and had to go to urgent care so I had to get dog, groceries, unpack, cook dinner and school starts tomorrow so kids needed to get organized.

I took on her care 2 years ago when it was clear she was really unable to manage, I dealt entirely with moving her out of her home; moving her across country, and deal with everything--that includes 13 doctors appointments in the past 3 months (for which I have more than burned through my sick leave), her finances, taxes, shopping, communication with the assisted living facility and doctors; callig her friends to let them know what's going on, coming over to find whatever she's lost, takig her out to dinner; bringing the kids over to visit, etc. I also work a more than full time job and have a middle schooler and a kid starting high school. I have one (unmarried, no kids) sibling who does nothing. Maybe calls every few months, that's it. that sibling also lives near my other parent and does nothing, but that's another issue. My spouse has his mother nearby as well so while he tries he's also busy (fortunately she is not crazy).

. I know its the disease that is making her lose her filter, but at some level I realize she has always been like this. Never worked, used her family's money (which will all be gone, given memory care) to hire a housekeeper and someone to drive me because she hated the 'drudgery' of being a parent full time yet also never worked consistently (part time here and there). After my parents divorced and I was on my own with her at almost 14 ...I would get myself to and from school via friends; make my own meals and have to beg her for rides home from dance class/rehearsal if I couldn't get another parent to drive me. I left at 17 and never moved back home. She never had to care for her parents ever, never really parented me in a functional way and of course never was a grandparent in a meaningful way. Yet I still feel pulled into the guilt and find myself up in the middle of the night worried, and feeling bad for going away, and trying to figure out when I can take her on an outing. and I know its only going to get worse from here. why do I still feel bad for her, like I find myself thinking "its so sad that she's never had a good life"--like I'm falling into her pity party and her narrative about how horrible and lonely and abandoned she is.

[Anonymous]

It’s so so hard. I’m really sorry. What I’ve learned is let go of the guilt. It will eat you alive. For your sake, I hope she dies quickly.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she needs more than assisted living.

[Anonymous]

Do less for her. You will never make her happy so stop trying. You and your kids matter more than she does. You have been abused by her and seem codependent now. A therapist can help you break free and set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

You need to do less and let the professionals handle this and let them do THEIR job. Let those fake guilt comments roll off your back and concentrate on your life right now. Take care of yourself. You know you have done all you can do and that's what matters so belive it.

[Anonymous]

This is grueling, OP. I’m so sorry and yes, I’ve been in this situation as the only daughter nearby to my now deceased mom in skilled nursing/assisted living and back and forth to hospitals.

Set limits. Manage her expectations by proactively deciding IF and WHEN you visit and then if you must, tell yourself you are not staying more than one hour, for example. Set an alarm on your phone and when it goes off, you announce to your mom that you have to leave - then leave.

Do not try to coordinate times or plans with her. Just show up.

[Anonymous]

My mom was like this until I put her in memory care. No amount of time spent with her was enough, she couldn’t understand why I couldn’t quit my job to be with her all the time. In retrospect I think she was somewhat cognizant of the changes she was going through and I think she was terrified so she clung to the only person she had left, me. She was so incredibly selfish for about two years and I let my own health suffer. She came before anyone else in my life. She had three hospitalizations in six weeks.

I moved her to memory care in January and it has been such a blessing for us both. She’s found her people. I think she finally feels safe so she’s way less focused on me. I can return to being her daughter and not her unappreciated and uncompensated caregiver. They take weekly field trips so she no longer insists I take her everywhere (taking her anywhere these days is incredibly difficult, there’s no way to know how she’ll behave in public).

[Anonymous]

Majority of women nowadays have worked, at least before and after having kids, most also with kids, where do you live? To the OP, I had to fall off the face of earth. Nothing was enough for her. It's always about the mommy dearest. And you know what, a year later she survived and managed, had to get along with other people and couldn't lay it all on me. She's not happy of course, but nothing makes her happy. You just have to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Gray rock, OP, when you have to see her. Extricate yourself from the daily stuff. Go see her once a week.

Your duty is to yourself and your own family. You will never get the time back with your kids. You will also never please her. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

You REALLY need to step back, OP. For your own sanity. Do less for this person.

[Anonymous]

Wow this sounds like codependency and emeshment. Step way back op. This isn't sustainable.

[Anonymous]

My mom was like this until I put her in memory care. No amount of time spent with her was enough, she couldn’t understand why I couldn’t quit my job to be with her all the time. In retrospect I think she was somewhat cognizant of the changes she was going through and I think she was terrified so she clung to the only person she had left, me. She was so incredibly selfish for about two years and I let my own health suffer. She came before anyone else in my life. She had three hospitalizations in six weeks.

I moved her to memory care in January and it has been such a blessing for us both. She’s found her people. I think she finally feels safe so she’s way less focused on me. I can return to being her daughter and not her unappreciated and uncompensated caregiver. They take weekly field trips so she no longer insists I take her everywhere (taking her anywhere these days is incredibly difficult, there’s no way to know how she’ll behave in public).

OP here. Im meeting with the director and head of clinical services and activities coordinator at her assisted living this week. Going to get their grasp of the situation, but I am wondering if memory care might be better for her. She talks about being "jailed" but if she found people like her to do things with that might be better. She has a lot of moments of not just lucidity but quite bright (she can forget whether she ate breakfast, forget the word for glasses, have trouble explaining herself and yet she wins the trivial pursuit contests against the non-affected seniors). So it would have to be stimulating enough for her, not just spaced out in front of a tv.

[Anonymous]

So what's the practical difference between assisted living and memory care? Can someone give me the order of situations from least dependent to most dependent?

[Anonymous]

Nastiness like your mother is displaying is not always a sign of dementia. It is also a sign of a BPD personality.

My mother was like this but sharp as a tack til her dying breath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do less for her. You will never make her happy so stop trying. You and your kids matter more than she does. You have been abused by her and seem codependent now. A therapist can help you break free and set boundaries.

This. Op I related to so many parts of your post. I had an epiphany when I burned out…I can do backflips for her and she will hate me and not appreciate it or I can do a fraction of that, focus on my kids and spouse and she will hate me and not appreciate what little I do. I stepped back and chose my sanity. I also do not permit rage fits and I take longer breaks with each one. Not healthy for her or for me. She is well cared for by strangers. I make sure she has decent care. It can’t come from me. Too much risk I will finally rage right back and I refuse to become like that.