no good deed goes unpunished

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what's the practical difference between assisted living and memory care? Can someone give me the order of situations from least dependent to most dependent?

In my experience with my mom, her assisted living place had people to help her if they were asked. So my mom and the others had to be able to ask for help. I think she was just at a bad assisted living place.

In memory care the caregivers are taking care of all of the people there, the come in and help them get dressed (if needed), they administer medications (although you can also pay extra for that in assisted living), they proactively go and get the people up and out and doing things so they aren’t sitting in their rooms isolated all day. They help the people in wheelchairs get around, and they feed those who are unable to feed themselves.

And good memory care places keep them engaged. They have activities and special events. My moms place has field trips for those able to go on Thursdays, they have exercises twice a day. They have dogs come in a few times a month and have now added an adoptable cat from a rescue to the schedule. They have musicians and artists and a host of other things to keep them engaged. It’s like summer camp for old people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You REALLY need to step back, OP. For your own sanity. Do less for this person.

Agree

[Anonymous]

Yawn. You are over involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what's the practical difference between assisted living and memory care? Can someone give me the order of situations from least dependent to most dependent?

In my experience with my mom, her assisted living place had people to help her if they were asked. So my mom and the others had to be able to ask for help. I think she was just at a bad assisted living place.

In memory care the caregivers are taking care of all of the people there, the come in and help them get dressed (if needed), they administer medications (although you can also pay extra for that in assisted living), they proactively go and get the people up and out and doing things so they aren’t sitting in their rooms isolated all day. They help the people in wheelchairs get around, and they feed those who are unable to feed themselves.

And good memory care places keep them engaged. They have activities and special events. My moms place has field trips for those able to go on Thursdays, they have exercises twice a day. They have dogs come in a few times a month and have now added an adoptable cat from a rescue to the schedule. They have musicians and artists and a host of other things to keep them engaged. It’s like summer camp for old people.

The problem is the "good" memory care places are few and far between. They don't have enough caregivers to dedicate a lot of time to each person. Getting them dressed and fed is about all you can expect. Remember that most long-term care is now corporate-owned so profit making is the goal. That means keeping your staffing expenses at a bare minimum.

Drugs are a lot cheaper than staff. The vast majority of them now keep people medicated so they are easier to manage. Many residents are in a state of stupor, which may or may not be better than being aware, angry and upset. Lobotomy by medication, essentially.

[Anonymous]

^ And in no way, shape or form are the majority of them like "summer camp" for old people.

If we treated our children like we do our elderly, it would be criminal.

[Anonymous]

why were so many posts removed from this thread?!

[Anonymous]

OP: My sympathies. I can only echo what others wrote--do less, visit once a week or whatever is convenient for you, and if you can find a support group online or off, attend or Zoom in. It really helps!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do less for her. You will never make her happy so stop trying. You and your kids matter more than she does. You have been abused by her and seem codependent now. A therapist can help you break free and set boundaries.

Yes. I’m the same, OP.

She abused you and neglected you. Read about codependency and consider therapy. My therapists have helped me a lot.

[Anonymous]

Stop. Put your husband and family first! She is safe.
Go only once a week. Let her complain, just put you first. Show your children and husband they come first. She does not deserve you. Take care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yawn. You are over involved.

NP. And you are cruel.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered a multigenerational home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered a multigenerational home?

NP. Don't move her into your home! She will dominate your life 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered a multigenerational home?

NP. Don't move her into your home! She will dominate your life 24/7.

Seriously a multigenerational home is a terrible idea. Is there another definition of "multigenerational" that I don't know?

OP, just throwing 2 cents to support leaning out. Ignore the voice mails. Just don't listen to them. Hang up the phone if she is nasty. Don't accept the abuse. And don't feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

She is sick in the head and needs professional help. Somehow you thought you can help and now you overwhelmed. What might be the solution?

[Anonymous]

Maybe there is no good solution.

Maybe she's a nasty old lady who mistreats her daughter. Maybe OP's first responsibility is to herself and her own nuclear family, and the nasty old lady who mistreats her might have to settle for assisted living and/or memory care professionals to care for her.

it's sad, but lots of things in life are. What's also sad is OP running herself down and being unable to be a good parent to her own kids because she's so focused on pleasing a parent who will never be happy with her.