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[quote=Anonymous]so I know this is a stage in dementia, but we've entered the territory where my mom is just being mean and cruel to me. Left a long rambling message last night on my phone about how I think I'm such "hot sh$t" and how neglect her and leave her to rot; how she never would have come out here had she known that i would abandon her; that the TV I got her is horrible and no one can figure it out; how I rush around all the time stomp stomp stomp; how i shop for clothes all the time for me (ha) but cant be bothered to take her out (because I bought her some new clothes on amazon?); how she can't see and i'm getting her the wrong glasses (she's lost 3 pairs in as many weeks and is using old ones I think); and--the best part--"you're becoming more and more like your mother." She meant her mother, who she hated, I'm sure but it was kind of funny in a grim way.

This came on because we were away for a week and so she was "on her own"-which means assisted living plus someone who comes in 3x/week to help her with whatever.   She's in a very high end assisted living facility and there are multiple activities a day, lots of people, events, meals, outings (that she wont do). We came back yesterday and I came over with some groceries and a smoothie but I couldn't stay long because we had to get the dog before daycare closed; spouse stepped on a rusty nail and had to go to urgent care so I had to get dog, groceries, unpack, cook dinner and school starts tomorrow so kids needed to get organized.

I took on her care 2 years ago when it was clear she was really unable to manage, I dealt entirely with moving her out of her home; moving her across country, and deal with everything--that includes 13 doctors appointments in the past 3 months (for which I have more than burned through my sick leave), her finances, taxes, shopping, communication with the assisted living facility and doctors; callig her friends to let them know what's going on, coming over to find whatever she's lost, takig her out to dinner; bringing the kids over to visit, etc. I also work a more than full time job and have a middle schooler and a kid starting high school.  I have one (unmarried, no kids) sibling who does nothing. Maybe calls every few months, that's it. that sibling also lives near my other parent and does nothing, but that's another issue. My spouse has his mother nearby as well so while he tries he's also busy (fortunately she is not crazy).

.  I know its the disease that is making her lose her filter, but at some level I realize she has always been like this. Never worked, used her family's money (which will all be gone, given memory care) to hire a housekeeper and someone to drive me because she hated the 'drudgery' of being a parent full time yet also never worked consistently (part time here and there). After my parents divorced and I was on my own with her at almost 14 ...I would get myself to and from school via friends; make my own meals and have to beg her for rides home from dance class/rehearsal if I couldn't get another parent to drive me. I left at 17 and never moved back home. She never had to care for her parents ever, never really parented me in a functional way and of course never was a grandparent in a meaningful way.  Yet I still feel pulled into the guilt and find myself up in the middle of the night worried, and feeling bad for going away, and trying to figure out when I can take her on an outing. and I know its only going to get worse from here. why do I still feel bad for her, like I find myself thinking "its so sad that she's never had a good life"--like I'm falling into her pity party and her narrative about how horrible and lonely and abandoned she is.

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