How do you make your NT child feel special?

[Anonymous]

I worry that DH and I are not giving our NT enough attention. Our DC with SN is all consuming and also we both work.

I try to make sure to spend one on one time with my NT child every day, even if it’s only 20 minutes. I also try to ensure we do special outings at least once or twice a month without our SN child.

I also enrolled him in SibShop-it’s a support/play group for kids with siblings who have SN. So he has the chance to talk about how it feels to have a sibling with SN, and meet other kids who have the same situation.

But he often just seems kind of sad. And he tells me he feels like we pay way more attention to our DC with SN.

I really do try and it’s important to me that he gets his needs met. Is there anything else you do to try and ensure your NT DC isn’t always getting the short end of the stick?

[Anonymous]

Does he get a lot out of SibShop or is that additional time he could have one-on-one with a parent? I genuinely don’t know how much kids get out of these group sharing sessions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he get a lot out of SibShop or is that additional time he could have one-on-one with a parent? I genuinely don’t know how much kids get out of these group sharing sessions

Op here. It’s once a month and only runs during the school year so it’s not a huge time commitment. He’s only been 4-5 times. I’m not sure he gets a ton out of it, but he seems to like it. He’s only 8. I guess I feel like the benefit might come from the big picture? Like it just holds some space to acknowledge this part of his life that can be hard. It also seems like the same kids go, so I wonder if he might make friends with them over time? I don’t know. It’s only 90 minutes and they have snacks and play games and do art projects. The social worker who runs it is very sweet too.

[Anonymous]

How old is your SN child? It's possible some of it is just typical sibling rivalry. I think it's important to pay attention to the dynamics and make sure you're giving your NT kid plenty of time and attention (and not always referring to the SN child, even if they are less flexible). At the same time, it's also possible the kid just wishes you could spend more time playing, etc, and that might be very normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your SN child? It's possible some of it is just typical sibling rivalry. I think it's important to pay attention to the dynamics and make sure you're giving your NT kid plenty of time and attention (and not always referring to the SN child, even if they are less flexible). At the same time, it's also possible the kid just wishes you could spend more time playing, etc, and that might be very normal.

Op here. DC with SN is 6. My NT DC is 8.

[Anonymous]

For context, my SN child is 7 and has level 2 ASD, significant ADHD, epilepsy. So his special needs are undeniable and we are open about them.

When my older children (9, 11) have complained, I 1) acknowledge that it is not “fair” that he gets xyz special treatment or that they have to tolerate xyz behavior. But then I 2) emphasize that it is a whole lot less fair that their brother has to work so much harder at friendships, school, take medicine, etc and still doesn’t get to enjoy success at those things and finally 3) emphasize that they are their brother’s keeper (which I tell them means that they have to be kind to him even when he is very aggravating, and help their friends understand and be kind to him too).

We also have the SN brother go to bed an hour before older kids, use that time to focus on them, and it sounds like you’re great at that. The only other thing that I find really affects the happiness of my kids and how much they focus on these things is how much peer social time they have. So I really work on making sure there is a lot of social interaction in our home- that their friends “acclimate” to the oddities of their brother. If brother is melting down while friend is over, I’ll isolate him and put on a show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For context, my SN child is 7 and has level 2 ASD, significant ADHD, epilepsy. So his special needs are undeniable and we are open about them.

When my older children (9, 11) have complained, I 1) acknowledge that it is not “fair” that he gets xyz special treatment or that they have to tolerate xyz behavior. But then I 2) emphasize that it is a whole lot less fair that their brother has to work so much harder at friendships, school, take medicine, etc and still doesn’t get to enjoy success at those things and finally 3) emphasize that they are their brother’s keeper (which I tell them means that they have to be kind to him even when he is very aggravating, and help their friends understand and be kind to him too).

We also have the SN brother go to bed an hour before older kids, use that time to focus on them, and it sounds like you’re great at that. The only other thing that I find really affects the happiness of my kids and how much they focus on these things is how much peer social time they have. So I really work on making sure there is a lot of social interaction in our home- that their friends “acclimate” to the oddities of their brother. If brother is melting down while friend is over, I’ll isolate him and put on a show.

It sounds like everything revolves around the one brother. That will breed resentment over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For context, my SN child is 7 and has level 2 ASD, significant ADHD, epilepsy. So his special needs are undeniable and we are open about them.

When my older children (9, 11) have complained, I 1) acknowledge that it is not “fair” that he gets xyz special treatment or that they have to tolerate xyz behavior. But then I 2) emphasize that it is a whole lot less fair that their brother has to work so much harder at friendships, school, take medicine, etc and still doesn’t get to enjoy success at those things and finally 3) emphasize that they are their brother’s keeper (which I tell them means that they have to be kind to him even when he is very aggravating, and help their friends understand and be kind to him too).

We also have the SN brother go to bed an hour before older kids, use that time to focus on them, and it sounds like you’re great at that. The only other thing that I find really affects the happiness of my kids and how much they focus on these things is how much peer social time they have. So I really work on making sure there is a lot of social interaction in our home- that their friends “acclimate” to the oddities of their brother. If brother is melting down while friend is over, I’ll isolate him and put on a show.

It sounds like everything revolves around the one brother. That will breed resentment over time.

Certainly not everything. The other kids have full, rich lives and parents who sacrifice everyday for them. But brother has substantial needs that require immediate attention, and we can only outsource so much of his care. The other kids might develop resentment instead of gratitude- but to a certain extent that’s their choice. Certainly children without special needs siblings, children with lovely, doting parents, and all the advantages of wealth and health also bear resentment for xyz in their childhoods (take some time to be around college students!). In the end, I can’t force my children to choose gratitude over resentment, but I can teach and model that principle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For context, my SN child is 7 and has level 2 ASD, significant ADHD, epilepsy. So his special needs are undeniable and we are open about them.

When my older children (9, 11) have complained, I 1) acknowledge that it is not “fair” that he gets xyz special treatment or that they have to tolerate xyz behavior. But then I 2) emphasize that it is a whole lot less fair that their brother has to work so much harder at friendships, school, take medicine, etc and still doesn’t get to enjoy success at those things and finally 3) emphasize that they are their brother’s keeper (which I tell them means that they have to be kind to him even when he is very aggravating, and help their friends understand and be kind to him too).

We also have the SN brother go to bed an hour before older kids, use that time to focus on them, and it sounds like you’re great at that. The only other thing that I find really affects the happiness of my kids and how much they focus on these things is how much peer social time they have. So I really work on making sure there is a lot of social interaction in our home- that their friends “acclimate” to the oddities of their brother. If brother is melting down while friend is over, I’ll isolate him and put on a show.

It sounds like everything revolves around the one brother. That will breed resentment over time.

Certainly not everything. The other kids have full, rich lives and parents who sacrifice everyday for them. But brother has substantial needs that require immediate attention, and we can only outsource so much of his care. The other kids might develop resentment instead of gratitude- but to a certain extent that’s their choice. Certainly children without special needs siblings, children with lovely, doting parents, and all the advantages of wealth and health also bear resentment for xyz in their childhoods (take some time to be around college students!). In the end, I can’t force my children to choose gratitude over resentment, but I can teach and model that principle.

Yeah, I know kids bear resentment. You do too. This is why it would concern me that everything was secondary to the high needs kid. Your kids may just say “the hell with you” since you weren’t there for them anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For context, my SN child is 7 and has level 2 ASD, significant ADHD, epilepsy. So his special needs are undeniable and we are open about them.

When my older children (9, 11) have complained, I 1) acknowledge that it is not “fair” that he gets xyz special treatment or that they have to tolerate xyz behavior. But then I 2) emphasize that it is a whole lot less fair that their brother has to work so much harder at friendships, school, take medicine, etc and still doesn’t get to enjoy success at those things and finally 3) emphasize that they are their brother’s keeper (which I tell them means that they have to be kind to him even when he is very aggravating, and help their friends understand and be kind to him too).

We also have the SN brother go to bed an hour before older kids, use that time to focus on them, and it sounds like you’re great at that. The only other thing that I find really affects the happiness of my kids and how much they focus on these things is how much peer social time they have. So I really work on making sure there is a lot of social interaction in our home- that their friends “acclimate” to the oddities of their brother. If brother is melting down while friend is over, I’ll isolate him and put on a show.

It sounds like everything revolves around the one brother. That will breed resentment over time.

Certainly not everything. The other kids have full, rich lives and parents who sacrifice everyday for them. But brother has substantial needs that require immediate attention, and we can only outsource so much of his care. The other kids might develop resentment instead of gratitude- but to a certain extent that’s their choice. Certainly children without special needs siblings, children with lovely, doting parents, and all the advantages of wealth and health also bear resentment for xyz in their childhoods (take some time to be around college students!). In the end, I can’t force my children to choose gratitude over resentment, but I can teach and model that principle.

Yeah, I know kids bear resentment. You do too. This is why it would concern me that everything was secondary to the high needs kid. Your kids may just say “the hell with you” since you weren’t there for them anyway.

?? Where did I say we aren’t there for our other children. Quite the opposite.
I was responding to a fellow special needs mother who has to deal with the reality of children with varying needs. If you need to troll, get off the SN board. People have serious questions here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For context, my SN child is 7 and has level 2 ASD, significant ADHD, epilepsy. So his special needs are undeniable and we are open about them.

When my older children (9, 11) have complained, I 1) acknowledge that it is not “fair” that he gets xyz special treatment or that they have to tolerate xyz behavior. But then I 2) emphasize that it is a whole lot less fair that their brother has to work so much harder at friendships, school, take medicine, etc and still doesn’t get to enjoy success at those things and finally 3) emphasize that they are their brother’s keeper (which I tell them means that they have to be kind to him even when he is very aggravating, and help their friends understand and be kind to him too).

We also have the SN brother go to bed an hour before older kids, use that time to focus on them, and it sounds like you’re great at that. The only other thing that I find really affects the happiness of my kids and how much they focus on these things is how much peer social time they have. So I really work on making sure there is a lot of social interaction in our home- that their friends “acclimate” to the oddities of their brother. If brother is melting down while friend is over, I’ll isolate him and put on a show.

It sounds like everything revolves around the one brother. That will breed resentment over time.

Certainly not everything. The other kids have full, rich lives and parents who sacrifice everyday for them. But brother has substantial needs that require immediate attention, and we can only outsource so much of his care. The other kids might develop resentment instead of gratitude- but to a certain extent that’s their choice. Certainly children without special needs siblings, children with lovely, doting parents, and all the advantages of wealth and health also bear resentment for xyz in their childhoods (take some time to be around college students!). In the end, I can’t force my children to choose gratitude over resentment, but I can teach and model that principle.

Yeah, I know kids bear resentment. You do too. This is why it would concern me that everything was secondary to the high needs kid. Your kids may just say “the hell with you” since you weren’t there for them anyway.

?? Where did I say we aren’t there for our other children. Quite the opposite.
I was responding to a fellow special needs mother who has to deal with the reality of children with varying needs. If you need to troll, get off the SN board. People have serious questions here.

Um, i go here too. Pay attention to all your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For context, my SN child is 7 and has level 2 ASD, significant ADHD, epilepsy. So his special needs are undeniable and we are open about them.

When my older children (9, 11) have complained, I 1) acknowledge that it is not “fair” that he gets xyz special treatment or that they have to tolerate xyz behavior. But then I 2) emphasize that it is a whole lot less fair that their brother has to work so much harder at friendships, school, take medicine, etc and still doesn’t get to enjoy success at those things and finally 3) emphasize that they are their brother’s keeper (which I tell them means that they have to be kind to him even when he is very aggravating, and help their friends understand and be kind to him too).

We also have the SN brother go to bed an hour before older kids, use that time to focus on them, and it sounds like you’re great at that. The only other thing that I find really affects the happiness of my kids and how much they focus on these things is how much peer social time they have. So I really work on making sure there is a lot of social interaction in our home- that their friends “acclimate” to the oddities of their brother. If brother is melting down while friend is over, I’ll isolate him and put on a show.

It sounds like everything revolves around the one brother. That will breed resentment over time.

Op here. Oh shut up. PP didn’t say anything of the sort. She literally said she puts her DC with SN to bed an hour early and also isolates him if he gets to be too much in front of friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For context, my SN child is 7 and has level 2 ASD, significant ADHD, epilepsy. So his special needs are undeniable and we are open about them.

When my older children (9, 11) have complained, I 1) acknowledge that it is not “fair” that he gets xyz special treatment or that they have to tolerate xyz behavior. But then I 2) emphasize that it is a whole lot less fair that their brother has to work so much harder at friendships, school, take medicine, etc and still doesn’t get to enjoy success at those things and finally 3) emphasize that they are their brother’s keeper (which I tell them means that they have to be kind to him even when he is very aggravating, and help their friends understand and be kind to him too).

We also have the SN brother go to bed an hour before older kids, use that time to focus on them, and it sounds like you’re great at that. The only other thing that I find really affects the happiness of my kids and how much they focus on these things is how much peer social time they have. So I really work on making sure there is a lot of social interaction in our home- that their friends “acclimate” to the oddities of their brother. If brother is melting down while friend is over, I’ll isolate him and put on a show.

It sounds like everything revolves around the one brother. That will breed resentment over time.

Certainly not everything. The other kids have full, rich lives and parents who sacrifice everyday for them. But brother has substantial needs that require immediate attention, and we can only outsource so much of his care. The other kids might develop resentment instead of gratitude- but to a certain extent that’s their choice. Certainly children without special needs siblings, children with lovely, doting parents, and all the advantages of wealth and health also bear resentment for xyz in their childhoods (take some time to be around college students!). In the end, I can’t force my children to choose gratitude over resentment, but I can teach and model that principle.

Yeah, I know kids bear resentment. You do too. This is why it would concern me that everything was secondary to the high needs kid. Your kids may just say “the hell with you” since you weren’t there for them anyway.

?? Where did I say we aren’t there for our other children. Quite the opposite.
I was responding to a fellow special needs mother who has to deal with the reality of children with varying needs. If you need to troll, get off the SN board. People have serious questions here.

Op here. Ignore the troll who is just here to stir the pot.

I liked your comments and found them helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For context, my SN child is 7 and has level 2 ASD, significant ADHD, epilepsy. So his special needs are undeniable and we are open about them.

When my older children (9, 11) have complained, I 1) acknowledge that it is not “fair” that he gets xyz special treatment or that they have to tolerate xyz behavior. But then I 2) emphasize that it is a whole lot less fair that their brother has to work so much harder at friendships, school, take medicine, etc and still doesn’t get to enjoy success at those things and finally 3) emphasize that they are their brother’s keeper (which I tell them means that they have to be kind to him even when he is very aggravating, and help their friends understand and be kind to him too).

We also have the SN brother go to bed an hour before older kids, use that time to focus on them, and it sounds like you’re great at that. The only other thing that I find really affects the happiness of my kids and how much they focus on these things is how much peer social time they have. So I really work on making sure there is a lot of social interaction in our home- that their friends “acclimate” to the oddities of their brother. If brother is melting down while friend is over, I’ll isolate him and put on a show.

It sounds like everything revolves around the one brother. That will breed resentment over time.

Op here. Oh shut up. PP didn’t say anything of the sort. She literally said she puts her DC with SN to bed an hour early and also isolates him if he gets to be too much in front of friends.

It’s the play dates. Even when friends are over it’s about the brother. The kids deserve to have some normalcy.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re doing enough. As the sibling of a special needs child, I didn’t get as much time as he did, but my parents also didn’t bend backwards to make things fair, and the lesson that life isn’t fair was honestly more helpful to me than them scrambling to make our time even. I wasn’t ignored or anything, but it was just an understanding. My brother had so many things that were harder on him
physically and mentally. What you listed above with the 20 min a day/ 1/2 outings a month really is a lot. Be an active listener when you are all there, include them in cooking/errands so you have time to talk, but it doesn’t always have to be overt/special. Unconditional love and also being a normal parent (not one trying to overcompensate) is important too.