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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]For context, my SN child is 7 and has level 2 ASD, significant ADHD, epilepsy. So his special needs are undeniable and we are open about them.

When my older children (9, 11) have complained, I 1) acknowledge that it is not “fair” that he gets xyz special treatment or that they have to tolerate xyz behavior. But then I 2) emphasize that it is a whole lot less fair that their brother has to work so much harder at friendships, school, take medicine, etc and still doesn’t get to enjoy success at those things and finally 3) emphasize that they are their brother’s keeper (which I tell them means that they have to be kind to him even when he is very aggravating, and help their friends understand and be kind to him too).

We also have the SN brother go to bed an hour before older kids, use that time to focus on them, and it sounds like you’re great at that. The only other thing that I find really affects the happiness of my kids and how much they focus on these things is how much peer social time they have. So I really work on making sure there is a lot of social interaction in our home- that their friends “acclimate” to the oddities of their brother. If brother is melting down while friend is over, I’ll isolate him and put on a show. [/quote]

It sounds like everything revolves around the one brother. That will breed resentment over time.[/quote]

Certainly not everything. The other kids have full, rich lives and parents who sacrifice everyday for them. But brother has substantial needs that require immediate attention, and we can only outsource so much of his care.  The other kids might develop resentment instead of gratitude- but to a certain extent that’s their choice. Certainly children without special needs siblings, children with lovely, doting parents, and all the advantages of wealth and health also bear resentment for xyz in their childhoods (take some time to be around college students!). In the end, I can’t force my children to choose gratitude over resentment, but I can teach and model that principle. [/quote]

Yeah, I know kids bear resentment. You do too. This is why it would concern me that everything was secondary to the high needs kid. Your kids may just say “the hell with you” since you weren’t there for them anyway.[/quote]

?? Where did I say we aren’t there for our other children. Quite the opposite. 
I was responding to a fellow special needs mother who has to deal with the reality of children with varying needs. If you need to troll, get off the SN board. People have serious questions here. [/quote]

Um, i go here too. Pay attention to all your kids.[/quote]

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