My Entire Life Has Revolved Around DH’s Job

[Anonymous]

And I realize now that I am sick of it. 30 years of marriage, sacrificing my own career prospects to advance his, listening to him talk about every detail of his job, I have had enough.

Anyone else sick of their spouse making their life and yours all about their job? I have lost my attraction for him and starting to daydream about a co-worker. I hate this.

[Anonymous]

Well you could try therapy or just divorce. You sure sound contemptful.

Do what you want.

[Anonymous]

Why do you think you did that all those years? Is he military? Making a ton more money than you? What is so special about his job that it had to take the front seat? I don’t mean to be presumptive but it seems to me the issues you have go beyond just his job.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t say my entire life has revolved around my husband’s job, but we have moved across the country twice for his career (professor). He says he would move for “my” dream job, but the odds of a dream opportunity are much lower as I’ve had to make career compromises due to the moves.

[Anonymous]

Why didn’t you nip this in the bud?

[Anonymous]

You are a person with agency. You may have let the current drag you along, but you could have spoken up or negotiated a different partnership sooner. If you're feeling attracted to somebody new, it's a very common logical fallacy to try to rewrite your marital history to give yourself a reason to act on those feelings. Of course, that will just introduce new problems into your life and marriage, rather than solving any.

It's OK to be disappointed that you let your husband take up so much space. Now that you see the situation clearly, you should determine what you want . . . without the distraction of another person.

[Anonymous]

You’ve allowed yourself to be a doormat for 30 years. This is on both of you.

[Anonymous]

Same here.

[Anonymous]

I did too. He talked about it incessantly, obsessively, for the first 13 years of our marriage. It was always the most important moment, every decision was make or break, everything was career-determining. In perpetuity. He makes multiples what I do so it made sense to support and follow his career. Guess what? Now that I have a big job he can’t be bothered to hear the first thing about it.

[Anonymous]

I have felt this way for the last 5 years. It's really hard. It was having kids that did it -- our jobs were equal before kids even though his was more rigid and mine was more flexible. I mad more money than he did for several years. Then we had kids and the flexibility of my job because a necessity and my job started taking a backseat to my career. At the same time the rigidity of his job became an argument for his job to always be prioritized and accommodated.

We recently started couples therapy and this dynamic is central to that. The kicker is that he doesn't even like his job and complains about it all the time but also he won't do anything to change jobs. So I just feel like my entire life revolves around this job he doesn't even like.

I feel like we are going to work it out but I really related to what you are saying OP and you have a right to be frustrated. That's a long time to be beholden to someone else's job and to postpone or rearrange important aspects of your life.

[Anonymous]

My DH acted like his job was his only priority in life for 25 years and counting. He essentially forced me to stay at home because he wouldn’t help with any drop offs, pickups or hiring child care. He didn’t do anything for the house, had never entered a grocery store, etc. He didn’t even make a lot of money, just a workaholic. Finally he gets a high paying position, only for the circumstances to change and he makes less now than he did 15 years ago. He never cared about the money or providing for his family. He gets some kind of rush from constant ( like 15 hour days) work that I have not figured out.

I have to come to terms with accepting that I was naive to think I could change him, and that I enabled his poor behavior. I advocated for myself but it was never successful in getting through to him.

I left him and now he can work all the time without a nagging wife and doesn’t have to spend time with his kids. I can barely survive because his income dropped so much from when we were married. He would do his job for free, he would pay to do his job. It’s a psychology I’ll never understand and wasted years of my life making his life better as mine got worse. He’s rewriting history that I was selfish and he was doing everything.

They never appreciate our sacrifices for their careers and ambition. Don’t continue to give without getting your needs met.

[Anonymous]

Imagine if a HUSBAND was complaining because his WIFE was talking to him about his day and he DID NOT WANT TO HEAR IT!

Wow, the man hating women here would destroy him.

The hypocrisy is so real it's sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t say my entire life has revolved around my husband’s job, but we have moved across the country twice for his career (professor). He says he would move for “my” dream job, but the odds of a dream opportunity are much lower as I’ve had to make career compromises due to the moves.

Same, changed states and even countries for academic spouse. It's hard. Of course it was no secret before we got married but I didn't think I'd suffer this much.

[Anonymous]

I’d bet this wouldn’t bother OP if she didn’t have the hots for the coworker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if a HUSBAND was complaining because his WIFE was talking to him about his day and he DID NOT WANT TO HEAR IT!

Wow, the man hating women here would destroy him.

The hypocrisy is so real it's sad.

Did you not read the OP -- the DH in this scenario doesn't listen to his wife talk about her day. Their entire life revolves around his job and she has listened to him talk about it for 30 years while her job was secondary and not addressed. So now she doesn't want to hear it anymore but she has patiently done it for three decades. I actually think if the situation was gender reversed people would be very sympathetic but it's so rare for a family's life to revolve around the wife's work.

The point is that in a functional marriage both people's work matters and both people listen to each other and accommodate each other. Sounds like OP's marriage only goes one direction and that is understandably frustrating.

Try to keep up.