6 year old who hits himself
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Anonymous
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I have a 6 year old son who is on the sensitive side and has trouble expressing himself and his emotions. Ever since he turned 6, he has become unbearable. Extreme whining, crying, screaming over the littlest things. I usually ignore and let him do his thing but he has recently started hitting or pinching himself, seemingly in frustration or anger. When I ask him why he does it, he says he's bad or because I'm mad at him, or because it feels good. Just to be clear, this doesn't result from me screaming at him. I could just be asking him to finish his food or whatever or express disappointment or frustration with him doing something wrong, and off he goes hitting himself. I feel like I am walking on eggshells and it also just infuriates me. I feel like I can't talk to him, can't so much as look at him wrong.
I don't know whether this is normal and how I should react. My reactions have not been great. My natural reaction when he starts hitting himself is extreme anger. I'm not sure where that anger comes from but it consumes me sometimes. Maybe it is that I feel he is manipulating me, or maybe I find his behavior (and the behavior of anyone who hurts themselves) just so pathetic and disgusting. So I have screamed at him. I have also tried ignoring the behavior. And also tried talking to him calmly about why he shouldn't do that and to use calming techniques or use his words to express his frustrations. None of the above seem to make any difference. To make matters worse, his younger sibling has started to pickup on the self hitting and will start doing that too when they are frustrated (though of course half heartedly at this point). Please help! how do I make it stop? It is killing me and sometimes I just cannot stand being around him. |
Anonymous
| I just went through this exact same thing, and I completely empathize with you. Are you local? We got parent coaching and it completely changed my mindset. I can’t say enough good things about Rachel. https://www.rcfcounseling.com/ Even if you aren’t local, all our parent coaching sessions were virtual, and she doesn’t need to see your child to do the parent coaching. |
Anonymous
| Editing to add: not only did it change my mindset, but after one session and implementing tips from that session the behavior changed very quickly. It truly changed our lives - I was at the end of my rope. |
Anonymous
| There's a chance your kid isn't neurotypical. But before you go down the testing and treatment road, take the Parent Child Journey class. It will teach you how and when to give time out, empathy, or ignoring. It's a 10 week course and if you have a partner or co-parent, you should take the class together. https://www.parentchildjourney.com |
Anonymous
Thank you! Will look into this. If you don't mind me asking, how did it change your mindset? I feel like I go through phases where I can empathize with him but it never lasts. My frustration just takes over. |
Anonymous
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Hi Op the suggestions are above are great. I would say this is not typical for a 6 year old and there might be something behind it, tendency towards anxiety or something else. I would really look into getting support like others have mentioned. My 6 year old doesn't hit himself, but he will hit us when really upset which is out of range for a neurotypical 6 year old - he has ADHD which makes regulation generally more difficult and regulating emotions is a big piece for him. You're likely going to need some extra tools in your toolbox.
I can understand the anger you feel sometimes, it happens with my son too even when I know he isn't fully in control of his emotions at the moment I just want the chaos to STOP. Understanding what is behind all of this will be helpful. Saying things like I'm bad are recurring thoughts for your child, and when older could lead to things like depression. Some kids are a little more prone to this time type of thinking - any genetic history of depression or anxiety in your family? If so I would suspect this is it manifesting but with support he can thrive. |
Anonymous
I've thought about the neurotypical possibility but I'm not sure. I would not have described him as a difficult child until the past few months. He has always been pretty easy going, with the exception of being a picky eater. He behaves normally at school and other settings. I do think he has an anxious temperament, which I see coming from my side of the family but the anxiety in my family is not the extent of affecting anyone's daily life in a debilitating way. |
Anonymous
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AFAIK I am NT.
However I hit myself as a child and still feel the urge. Two motivations based on feeling condition love when young. 1. Hurt myself to show I know I am bad/disappointed you and hope it will make you forgive me and love me again 2. Punish myself to make stress of disapproval or conflict stop. As in see I punish myself so you don't have to please stop it. Not saying OP is doing anything wrong just my experience. Husband is horrified by this and made me promise never to do it. Only slip up now and then. |
Anonymous
Thank you. This is very interesting and to a certain extent, I understand the logic and it might apply to him. A lot to think about. What would have helped you though? If you could control how your parents interacted with you as a child, what would you have them do? |
Anonymous
Huh. Never thought about it. I guess be less obviously and subliminally invested in my accomplishments and achievements. Not getting so much vicarious pride out of my grades, test scores, activities like science fairs. Not pushing me to speak up in class, be a "star student " Not comparing me to others and making sure I was top dog (Mama's term). They never said stuff like we love you just for being you. Or as long as you have fun that is what matters, not whether you are good at it. Maybe stuff like that. Dunno. Anyway it was clear to me by 4 or 5 I was a trophy kid. |
Anonymous
I also am NT and this describes me and my husband |
Anonymous
| All best to you, fellow NT hitter. 🌹 |
Anonymous
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Reframing as anxiety might help you stay empathetic and focus energy on descaltation/helping kid regain control.
Think about how hard it must be too calm down with you going icy or yelling during one of his episodes. Need to get him some coaching on skills he can use to calm down from a therapist, then your job is to reinforce/remind him to practice what strategies he is learning |
Anonymous
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I have anxiety. As an adult, I've learned lots of techniques to manage it. I would say when I start to feel overwhelmed and the anxiety setting in, I quite literally feel like there is an energy zapping through my body that makes me feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin. As a kid, I remember hitting myself. Or breaking something by squeezing it too hard. As a teen, a cut very superficial (like paper cut deep) or did something to cause some small amount of pain. This settled that energy. Ive learned grounding and breathing exercises now so I no longer feel that need to physically get that energy out.
He doesn't want to do this. But he probably feels like he needs to because his skin is crawling. Work with him on techniques to calm himself. The 5 things you see, 4 you hear, 3 you feel, 2 you smell, and 1 you taste works wonders for me. |
Anonymous
| I recommend reading/audiobook of Good Inside. |