Work travel

[Anonymous]

I am dating again post-divorce and met someone I really like and likes me back. After a few months, I learned that his job has intense travel seasons a few times a year. Think 4 days a week every week for a couple months at a time.

I am very independent and have a full social and work life so I can keep busy. My problem is that when he’s away, it’s out of sight out of mind. I go into hyper independent mode and don’t want to talk on the phone or chat. It’s as if I don’t have a boyfriend at all. I find chatting to be a reminder that I’m missing someone, but that person can do nothing to help with my daily stress, so why bother stirring up my emotions? In a way I feel resentful, like he’s the one who is traveling, so if he misses me, that’s his problem. That sounds so messed up!

What’s going on? How do I resolve this?

[Anonymous]

How often is he calling/texting you during the day when he's away? Can you let yourself talk to him say, every evening he's traveling for 20 minutes or so? That's what my DH (who travels for work often) and I do.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to date a guy that travels this much if it doesn’t work for you. Why force this?

Neither my husband nor I would be able to make that work. We enjoy spending time together. I travel once or twice a month and I’m gone or two nights. That is hard enough and I would never take a job with more travel.

[Anonymous]

Ha-This sounds like a perfect setup to me. Lots of me time, but he’s still home enough to have a regular relationship.

I’m not sure what the issue is? You say you’re fine when he’s away. Is he pushing you to check in more? Is there some middle ground between the two desired levels of communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ha-This sounds like a perfect setup to me. Lots of me time, but he’s still home enough to have a regular relationship.

I’m not sure what the issue is? You say you’re fine when he’s away. Is he pushing you to check in more? Is there some middle ground between the two desired levels of communication.

I’m busy while he’s away. Not quite fine. As I said, it’s as if I’m resentful and feel like he deserves to miss me.

[Anonymous]

DH and I don't talk on the phone at all when he's away (also 4 days a week) and our exchanges are generally text memes etc if at all. It works fine for us....during the week we are both working hard and on a million calls and don't want to talk more after the day is over (same at home). The days we have together are great.

So yes it can work totally fine - but if its not for you, then move on. Game playing, resenting it etc are a waste of both your time and energy

[Anonymous]

I like you op, he’s the one who travels, he’s the one who keeps traveling, if he wants to talk to you, he can come to you.
For those who think this is heartless, it isn’t. Fitting your life around a partner who isn’t there absolutely sucks, all of the hard work of a relationship none of the pleasures, no cuddling in bed after a day, good bad or indifferent, you can’t cuddle with someone who isn’t there. You also don’t get random tender moments, I can remember coming home being real upset and hurt by something and my husband hugged me and then gave me a nice pair of fuzzy socks. It was so sweet, he was putting away Christmas gifts, he couldn’t undo why I was upset but he could be sweet in a way that he simply wouldn’t have been able to do had he not been physically present. It’s important to know what you want, op and it sounds like you are reasonable.
Same for experiences, if I’m in a relationship, we’re doing life together, why would I want to do my own thing and then FaceTime or text.
And op, you are right, these chats just make you realize that the guy isn’t here.
I’d decide what you want. I’d probably tell him “Travel all you want, I won’t be in touch with you while you’re gone”.
Realize that he may not stop traveling, though also realize that you may be providing a perspective he hasn’t heard before. Don’t argue, just state your intent and then do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I don't talk on the phone at all when he's away (also 4 days a week) and our exchanges are generally text memes etc if at all. It works fine for us....during the week we are both working hard and on a million calls and don't want to talk more after the day is over (same at home). The days we have together are great.

So yes it can work totally fine - but if its not for you, then move on. Game playing, resenting it etc are a waste of both your time and energy

+1 When I traveled a lot for work I almost never called my DH (who was my bf at the time). I was super focused on work. I don't think he felt much of a need to talk to me either (but he has the same job, so he understood how it is out on the road). We are super independent and even take separate vacations sometimes and don't feel the need to be in contact. Works well for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha-This sounds like a perfect setup to me. Lots of me time, but he’s still home enough to have a regular relationship.

I’m not sure what the issue is? You say you’re fine when he’s away. Is he pushing you to check in more? Is there some middle ground between the two desired levels of communication.

I’m busy while he’s away. Not quite fine. As I said, it’s as if I’m resentful and feel like he deserves to miss me.

I'm confused -- the problem is he's *not* calling you enough while he's traveling? I thought from the original post that he contacts you too much.

Maybe this isn't the right relationship for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I like you op, he’s the one who travels, he’s the one who keeps traveling, if he wants to talk to you, he can come to you.
For those who think this is heartless, it isn’t. Fitting your life around a partner who isn’t there absolutely sucks, all of the hard work of a relationship none of the pleasures, no cuddling in bed after a day, good bad or indifferent, you can’t cuddle with someone who isn’t there. You also don’t get random tender moments, I can remember coming home being real upset and hurt by something and my husband hugged me and then gave me a nice pair of fuzzy socks. It was so sweet, he was putting away Christmas gifts, he couldn’t undo why I was upset but he could be sweet in a way that he simply wouldn’t have been able to do had he not been physically present. It’s important to know what you want, op and it sounds like you are reasonable.
Same for experiences, if I’m in a relationship, we’re doing life together, why would I want to do my own thing and then FaceTime or text.
And op, you are right, these chats just make you realize that the guy isn’t here.
I’d decide what you want. I’d probably tell him “Travel all you want, I won’t be in touch with you while you’re gone”.
Realize that he may not stop traveling, though also realize that you may be providing a perspective he hasn’t heard before. Don’t argue, just state your intent and then do it.

Omg no - you don't hold having a job with travel against a boyfriend and gameplay thinking they need to make it up to you. You move on and find someone who is better fit for you, don't ruminate on how they're not there and need to come to you and then pouting if they don't call the amount of you want

[Anonymous]

Just make sure he’s actually traveling and not lying about being single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha-This sounds like a perfect setup to me. Lots of me time, but he’s still home enough to have a regular relationship.

I’m not sure what the issue is? You say you’re fine when he’s away. Is he pushing you to check in more? Is there some middle ground between the two desired levels of communication.

I’m busy while he’s away. Not quite fine. As I said, it’s as if I’m resentful and feel like he deserves to miss me.

I'm confused -- the problem is he's *not* calling you enough while he's traveling? I thought from the original post that he contacts you too much.

Maybe this isn't the right relationship for you.

He calls and texts a lot. For some reason I find this disruptive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I like you op, he’s the one who travels, he’s the one who keeps traveling, if he wants to talk to you, he can come to you.
For those who think this is heartless, it isn’t. Fitting your life around a partner who isn’t there absolutely sucks, all of the hard work of a relationship none of the pleasures, no cuddling in bed after a day, good bad or indifferent, you can’t cuddle with someone who isn’t there. You also don’t get random tender moments, I can remember coming home being real upset and hurt by something and my husband hugged me and then gave me a nice pair of fuzzy socks. It was so sweet, he was putting away Christmas gifts, he couldn’t undo why I was upset but he could be sweet in a way that he simply wouldn’t have been able to do had he not been physically present. It’s important to know what you want, op and it sounds like you are reasonable.
Same for experiences, if I’m in a relationship, we’re doing life together, why would I want to do my own thing and then FaceTime or text.
And op, you are right, these chats just make you realize that the guy isn’t here.
I’d decide what you want. I’d probably tell him “Travel all you want, I won’t be in touch with you while you’re gone”.
Realize that he may not stop traveling, though also realize that you may be providing a perspective he hasn’t heard before. Don’t argue, just state your intent and then do it.

Omg no - you don't hold having a job with travel against a boyfriend and gameplay thinking they need to make it up to you. You move on and find someone who is better fit for you, don't ruminate on how they're not there and need to come to you and then pouting if they don't call the amount of you want

I’m not game playing. He was in a down season when we met and I didn’t know he would travel a lot. During these up seasons it’s been hard. I brought it up last time to him that I didn’t think we were compatible and he tries to work really hard and practically smothers me when he’s home. But then he is gone traveling. The up and down is disruptive to my mood, sleep, schedule. I’m not taking it out on him. I’m trying to figure out if it’s worth it or what I can do so I don’t feel so out of whack when it transitions.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you see the travel as a relief valve and he sees it as a necessary evil he has to get around to smother you in the ways that are still available when not in person.

You don't sound compatible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I like you op, he’s the one who travels, he’s the one who keeps traveling, if he wants to talk to you, he can come to you.
For those who think this is heartless, it isn’t. Fitting your life around a partner who isn’t there absolutely sucks, all of the hard work of a relationship none of the pleasures, no cuddling in bed after a day, good bad or indifferent, you can’t cuddle with someone who isn’t there. You also don’t get random tender moments, I can remember coming home being real upset and hurt by something and my husband hugged me and then gave me a nice pair of fuzzy socks. It was so sweet, he was putting away Christmas gifts, he couldn’t undo why I was upset but he could be sweet in a way that he simply wouldn’t have been able to do had he not been physically present. It’s important to know what you want, op and it sounds like you are reasonable.
Same for experiences, if I’m in a relationship, we’re doing life together, why would I want to do my own thing and then FaceTime or text.
And op, you are right, these chats just make you realize that the guy isn’t here.
I’d decide what you want. I’d probably tell him “Travel all you want, I won’t be in touch with you while you’re gone”.
Realize that he may not stop traveling, though also realize that you may be providing a perspective he hasn’t heard before. Don’t argue, just state your intent and then do it.

Omg no - you don't hold having a job with travel against a boyfriend and gameplay thinking they need to make it up to you. You move on and find someone who is better fit for you, don't ruminate on how they're not there and need to come to you and then pouting if they don't call the amount of you want

I’m not game playing. He was in a down season when we met and I didn’t know he would travel a lot. During these up seasons it’s been hard. I brought it up last time to him that I didn’t think we were compatible and he tries to work really hard and practically smothers me when he’s home. But then he is gone traveling. The up and down is disruptive to my mood, sleep, schedule. I’m not taking it out on him. I’m trying to figure out if it’s worth it or what I can do so I don’t feel so out of whack when it transitions.

A traveling partner works for my personality and how I am in relationships / with my own work etc. It doesn't sound like it works well for the daily intimacy that works for you, which is fine. But if its not working easily for you while you're dating....let me tell you it just gets harder as you age and life becomes more home focused and weekends are more full of other responsibilities and when you have kids and can't fill your time without him with fun things but are instead on your own eating dinner with a 2yo 4 nights a week etc.

Unless you don't want kids in which case i'd still only stay if you find a way to not feel like you're missing an important benefit of a relationship in the next month or two