Fighting with husband over MIL

[Anonymous]

I have a decent relationship with my MIL who thinks her opinions are facts. She has been very opinionated about our parenting with our first child and her first grandchild. She feels the need to
“ correct” many things I do, along with sticking her nose in a situation that doesn’t involve her. I blew up at my husband over it and now we are fighting. He has stuck up for me and our parenting choices, but still wants me to just ignore it and not cause a rift. I’m upset with my husband over this, and he’s upset with me because I politely told my MIL to back off. How do couples manage relationships with in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Your husband is right. Give her less information in general so she has fewer opinions to give. For example, dont' tell her which vaccines the baby got at the doctor today and that way she can't tell you that now your baby will have autism from one of them. Be more vague.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is right. Give her less information in general so she has fewer opinions to give. For example, dont' tell her which vaccines the baby got at the doctor today and that way she can't tell you that now your baby will have autism from one of them. Be more vague.

OP here. My husband invites her over. She will give out her “ concerns” during the time she is here. It’s everything from how we feed him to how we hold him too much. Now she thinks she can weigh in on me going back to work.

[Anonymous]

When she starts with the advice don’t say anything, just excuse yourself and walk out of the room. Let your husband deal with responding to her. As long as he is not trying to get you to comply with her advice/wishes, just try to avoid direct confrontation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is right. Give her less information in general so she has fewer opinions to give. For example, dont' tell her which vaccines the baby got at the doctor today and that way she can't tell you that now your baby will have autism from one of them. Be more vague.

OP here. My husband invites her over. She will give out her “ concerns” during the time she is here. It’s everything from how we feed him to how we hold him too much. Now she thinks she can weigh in on me going back to work.

Just nod smile and change the subject

[Anonymous]

As a couple there are three separate issues:

1) To what extent do we as a couple, weigh the advice of extended family (this may vary widely depending on the family member in question)?

2) To what extent do we as a couple allow feedback from family members (even if we never follow the feedback)?

3) How do we communicate when we have reached the limit on feedback.

It sounds like you two are on the same page with #1, but either have an issue with #2 or #3.

If #2 is the problem, then my guess is that he thinks you need to just let her complain and then quietly do whatever you were going to do anyway but you find the complaining really difficult to endure and need to experience less of it for your own mental health.

If #3, then it may be that you both agree that you shouldn’t have to hear this much criticism, but your preference is to tell her to cut it out or else and he would like you to respond differently (e.g., leave the room silently, signal to him so he can tell her himself, just say something more diplomatically, etc.)

Figure out where you guys are on the wrong page and move forward from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is right. Give her less information in general so she has fewer opinions to give. For example, dont' tell her which vaccines the baby got at the doctor today and that way she can't tell you that now your baby will have autism from one of them. Be more vague.

OP here. My husband invites her over. She will give out her “ concerns” during the time she is here. It’s everything from how we feed him to how we hold him too much. Now she thinks she can weigh in on me going back to work.

Just ignore her. Why are you engaging her?

[Anonymous]

You don’t need your husband’s approval to tell your MIL you don’t want to discuss these topics. He can get mad all he wants. When she starts, say “I’m not discussing that”. If either of them get upset, too bad for them. If she decides to visit less often, great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a couple there are three separate issues:

1) To what extent do we as a couple, weigh the advice of extended family (this may vary widely depending on the family member in question)?

2) To what extent do we as a couple allow feedback from family members (even if we never follow the feedback)?

3) How do we communicate when we have reached the limit on feedback.

It sounds like you two are on the same page with #1, but either have an issue with #2 or #3.

If #2 is the problem, then my guess is that he thinks you need to just let her complain and then quietly do whatever you were going to do anyway but you find the complaining really difficult to endure and need to experience less of it for your own mental health.

If #3, then it may be that you both agree that you shouldn’t have to hear this much criticism, but your preference is to tell her to cut it out or else and he would like you to respond differently (e.g., leave the room silently, signal to him so he can tell her himself, just say something more diplomatically, etc.)

Figure out where you guys are on the wrong page and move forward from there.

Very good advice here.

I'm much more "nip it in the bud"/"say your piece." My husband is much more "avoid conflict at all costs." It takes some communication and negotiation to get on the same page.

[Anonymous]

When she offers helpful advice say "I'll keep that in mind!". As many times as you need. And feel free to just ignore what this meddling MIL thinks you should do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is right. Give her less information in general so she has fewer opinions to give. For example, dont' tell her which vaccines the baby got at the doctor today and that way she can't tell you that now your baby will have autism from one of them. Be more vague.

OP here. My husband invites her over. She will give out her “ concerns” during the time she is here. It’s everything from how we feed him to how we hold him too much. Now she thinks she can weigh in on me going back to work.

Just nod smile and change the subject

That's basically what I did. I had a great relationship with my MIL, I loved her a lot. But at times she could be judgy and opinionated. I'd just kind play it off and change the subject. Sometimes, they just need to hear themselves talk, I think. lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When she offers helpful advice say "I'll keep that in mind!". As many times as you need. And feel free to just ignore what this meddling MIL thinks you should do.

This. Have a go-to phrase. She has no impact on your decisions, but you can't stop her from talking. I have this issue with my MIL and sometimes with my mom. politely deflecting is a skill you will take with you through your entire life.

[Anonymous]

It's his mother. He defends you and is running interference for you. You could ask him to do more, but you've got no right to involve yourself directly with her. She smile and nod when she says something you don't like.

[Anonymous]

I like to take it to the generic “society these days…” point. Whatever it is, just let her yap. Ask her how things were in her day. Did she go back to work? Did she want to? If not, was it hard staying home alone? If she comments on your kids food, ask what she fed her kids. Does she know your dr tells you to cut up grapes? Is that weird, or did she have to do that?
Eh, make it a time for her to reminisce if she is sweet, or for her to rail against the idiocy of modern parenting is she leans that way. You do not, ever, need to take any of her opinions seriously…you & your DH can commiserate later & laugh about it.
Realize - this person has no impact on what you do. (Unless you somehow are depending on her financially, then that’s another conversation.) Look at it like humoring an elder & letting her reminisce/ chat without an actual “vote”, as you would hope your child (& their spouse) would.

[Anonymous]

I’d say “that’s an interesting take” or “uh huh interesting” and the. do whatever the help I want. If she says anything about notntaking her advice I would say I appreciate her input but I like to try what works for me right now