Struggling with Loss of Connection with Trans Son

[Anonymous]

My 13 yo DC has come out to our family as a trans by cutting his hair off himself and then saying that he wouldn’t have the courage to let us know until he did it. This is not a shock. For two years, he identified to family, but not publicly, as nonbinary using she/her pronouns. From elementary school, DC shared he thought he would become male after hearing from an older trans male student. He also has out nonbinary friends (but they recently seem to re-identify as cisgender).

The truth is I’m secretly devastated. The past year, DC started wanting to do stereotypically girl activities with me, asking me to do their hair, volunteering that we should go together to beauty appts, etc. I enjoyed that time, and now the new reality really hurts. I have multiple kids and all genders are represented, but I am closest to this child.

If anyone else has been through this, how do you support your DC without betraying your disappointment?

[Anonymous]

That’s a very big declaration for a 13 year old. I’d stay as neutral as possible.

[Anonymous]

What did you do together before this past year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did you do together before this past year?

We have our own book club together. We bake. We talk. I know we can still do those things.

Before last year, there was time in elementary school where DC did stereotypical girl things with me too (8 to 11 years old maybe). I just got in my mind that my DC liked doing those things with me when, in the last year, they expressed interest in doing those things together again.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, a trans family member of mine got more comfortable doing activities aligned with their assigned sex at birth after they were more open and out with their transness. Like the their presented as their actual gender the more comfortable they were acting in a “gender nonconforming” way. So it may be that your son will be able to stereotypically girly things with you if he’s dressed/styled in an unambiguously boy way.

[Anonymous]

To be sure, many parents struggle with loss of connection with their teenagers. The identity issues might be secondary here.

[Anonymous]

It's sometimes hard to connect with teens, no matter the circumstance. The moods and big feelings and boundary pushing has been a struggle for parents of teens for generations. No need to be disappointed. Your teen has several stages to go through over the next few years as they figure themselves out.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is normal for you to feel that way.
I think your best bet is to stay neutral. Contrary to what others will say here, you DO NOT have to readily and excitedly go along with all of it. Your child will be fine as long as they know you love them and keep the door open to honest discussion.

My POV: am a lesbian and mom of teens.

Right now there is a huge wave of teens identifying as non-binary or trans, especially among those born female. There are 2 big drivers of this: 1. Social contagion/social media and 2. Normal teen feelings of being uncomfortable with how their bodies are changing, how the female body is objectified and viewed by males, and not wanting to follow gender norms of presentation that are so heavily foisted upon women. Or, maybe they are experiencing some feelings of same sex attraction. Or maybe they just want to explore identities and presentation, which does not have to mean changing one’s body.

Personally I have known several females of different ages from teens through early thirties who have in the past several years either began transitioning or exploring their gender identity. One friend of mine has pretty much completed their transition and now uses he/him pronouns. The other have either desisted completely or tried different things and ended up in a space of being gender-queer but not fully committed to one gender or the other. It is also totally normal to feel different ways during different periods of your life. Hormones change, things can happen in your life that affect how you feel.

At 9 I was a tomboy who collected baseball cards.
At 15 I wore long curls and wore babydoll dresses and liked girls.
At 18 I chopped my hair and wore boy clothes (trans wasn’t a thing known by many back then)
At 26 I had long hair and married a man and then had babies and baked cookies
At 35 I realized I’d made a mistake by marrying a man
At 40 I got out, chopped my hair, learned how to use power tools, and got out of my marriage, and started wearing men’s clothes
Now at 45 in LTR with a woman, still mostly wear men’s clothes but will make a batch of cookies here and there, and toying with the idea of letting my hair grow a little bit
So who knows what’s in the future?

Point is, your teen likely has a lot of growing and experiences ahead. It is best to stay neutral and keep the door open. I’m very glad I did not grow up in the current setting because I definitely would have been sucked in to the trans stuff, which in my heart I believe is damaging a lot of young people now.

[Anonymous]

Boys can go to nail salons too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is normal for you to feel that way.
I think your best bet is to stay neutral. Contrary to what others will say here, you DO NOT have to readily and excitedly go along with all of it. Your child will be fine as long as they know you love them and keep the door open to honest discussion.

My POV: am a lesbian and mom of teens.

Right now there is a huge wave of teens identifying as non-binary or trans, especially among those born female. There are 2 big drivers of this: 1. Social contagion/social media and 2. Normal teen feelings of being uncomfortable with how their bodies are changing, how the female body is objectified and viewed by males, and not wanting to follow gender norms of presentation that are so heavily foisted upon women. Or, maybe they are experiencing some feelings of same sex attraction. Or maybe they just want to explore identities and presentation, which does not have to mean changing one’s body.

Personally I have known several females of different ages from teens through early thirties who have in the past several years either began transitioning or exploring their gender identity. One friend of mine has pretty much completed their transition and now uses he/him pronouns. The other have either desisted completely or tried different things and ended up in a space of being gender-queer but not fully committed to one gender or the other. It is also totally normal to feel different ways during different periods of your life. Hormones change, things can happen in your life that affect how you feel.

At 9 I was a tomboy who collected baseball cards.
At 15 I wore long curls and wore babydoll dresses and liked girls.
At 18 I chopped my hair and wore boy clothes (trans wasn’t a thing known by many back then)
At 26 I had long hair and married a man and then had babies and baked cookies
At 35 I realized I’d made a mistake by marrying a man
At 40 I got out, chopped my hair, learned how to use power tools, and got out of my marriage, and started wearing men’s clothes
Now at 45 in LTR with a woman, still mostly wear men’s clothes but will make a batch of cookies here and there, and toying with the idea of letting my hair grow a little bit
So who knows what’s in the future?

Point is, your teen likely has a lot of growing and experiences ahead. It is best to stay neutral and keep the door open. I’m very glad I did not grow up in the current setting because I definitely would have been sucked in to the trans stuff, which in my heart I believe is damaging a lot of young people now.

Genderqueer is still considered transgender.

I noticed in your story, you notably never mentioned that you ever identified anything other than a woman. Transgender has nothing to do with cutting your hair or wearing men's clothes. As part of the the LGBTQ community with trans friends, you should know the difference between presentation and identity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is normal for you to feel that way.
I think your best bet is to stay neutral. Contrary to what others will say here, you DO NOT have to readily and excitedly go along with all of it. Your child will be fine as long as they know you love them and keep the door open to honest discussion.

My POV: am a lesbian and mom of teens.

Right now there is a huge wave of teens identifying as non-binary or trans, especially among those born female. There are 2 big drivers of this: 1. Social contagion/social media and 2. Normal teen feelings of being uncomfortable with how their bodies are changing, how the female body is objectified and viewed by males, and not wanting to follow gender norms of presentation that are so heavily foisted upon women. Or, maybe they are experiencing some feelings of same sex attraction. Or maybe they just want to explore identities and presentation, which does not have to mean changing one’s body.

Personally I have known several females of different ages from teens through early thirties who have in the past several years either began transitioning or exploring their gender identity. One friend of mine has pretty much completed their transition and now uses he/him pronouns. The other have either desisted completely or tried different things and ended up in a space of being gender-queer but not fully committed to one gender or the other. It is also totally normal to feel different ways during different periods of your life. Hormones change, things can happen in your life that affect how you feel.

At 9 I was a tomboy who collected baseball cards.
At 15 I wore long curls and wore babydoll dresses and liked girls.
At 18 I chopped my hair and wore boy clothes (trans wasn’t a thing known by many back then)
At 26 I had long hair and married a man and then had babies and baked cookies
At 35 I realized I’d made a mistake by marrying a man
At 40 I got out, chopped my hair, learned how to use power tools, and got out of my marriage, and started wearing men’s clothes
Now at 45 in LTR with a woman, still mostly wear men’s clothes but will make a batch of cookies here and there, and toying with the idea of letting my hair grow a little bit
So who knows what’s in the future?

Point is, your teen likely has a lot of growing and experiences ahead. It is best to stay neutral and keep the door open. I’m very glad I did not grow up in the current setting because I definitely would have been sucked in to the trans stuff, which in my heart I believe is damaging a lot of young people now.

Genderqueer is still considered transgender.

I noticed in your story, you notably never mentioned that you ever identified anything other than a woman. Transgender has nothing to do with cutting your hair or wearing men's clothes. As part of the the LGBTQ community with trans friends, you should know the difference between presentation and identity.

That’s kind of my point. When I was growing up, I had never heard of the word transgender, and by the time it became a huge thing, I had a much stronger sense of self compared to my teens, and I didn’t get dragged in. I know a few late-in-life queer females who did though, and they invariably have some kind of abuse or trauma in their past (at the hands of men) so it is hard to believe it is a coincidence.

Nowadays it has become almost a contagion among young females who don’t fit the mold, and I am skeptical.

This isn’t something to rush into. The approach to affirm without question is already under scrutiny, as it should be, and thankfully the pendulum is swinging back towards a sensible direction.

[Anonymous]

I’m not a girly mom so I haven’t done the whole beauty salon thing with my teen. There are so many ways to connect with your teen. Regardless of sex, people have different tastes. Find what you have in common and do that. We bond over books (book sales, bookstores, library), some movies, baking… the list goes on. But I know it must be hard to accept that your child is changing who they were. I also would struggle. You will find different ways to connect and may even pick up a new hobby! Ask your child if they would like to try something new together…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 13 yo DC has come out to our family as a trans by cutting his hair off himself and then saying that he wouldn’t have the courage to let us know until he did it. This is not a shock. For two years, he identified to family, but not publicly, as nonbinary using she/her pronouns. From elementary school, DC shared he thought he would become male after hearing from an older trans male student. He also has out nonbinary friends (but they recently seem to re-identify as cisgender).

The truth is I’m secretly devastated. The past year, DC started wanting to do stereotypically girl activities with me, asking me to do their hair, volunteering that we should go together to beauty appts, etc. I enjoyed that time, and now the new reality really hurts. I have multiple kids and all genders are represented, but I am closest to this child.

If anyone else has been through this, how do you support your DC without betraying your disappointment?

Think about why you are so close to this human? Because you not only love them bec they are your child but bec you raise them as a lovely person with things and thoughts in common with you.

Their sexuality or gender has nothing to do with your relationship

OP you are so lucky to have a relationship with another human that you enjoy go with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you do together before this past year?

We have our own book club together. We bake. We talk. I know we can still do those things.

Before last year, there was time in elementary school where DC did stereotypical girl things with me too (8 to 11 years old maybe). I just got in my mind that my DC liked doing those things with me when, in the last year, they expressed interest in doing those things together again.

I am so sorry OP! It sounds like you are grieving the loss of this special bond between the two of you rather than the loss of a daughter. I can completely empathize. One of my children loves to cook and we bake together every week. She helps me with dinner. I am really dreading the day she decides it’s lame. Just because they are questioning their gender doesn’t mean they won’t continue doing those things with you. I have a book club with my oldest son (though it’s mostly because he won’t read unless he has forced accountability lol).

[Anonymous]

I highly recommend trying out a meeting for parents of trans kids. This is super common, to feel a sense of loss and sadness. Talking about it with other parents who have been in your shoes can be really healing. Try PFLAG or Transparent.