Struggling with Loss of Connection with Trans Son

[Anonymous]

Stop referring to things you enjoy as "girly." Stop promoting regressive female stereotypes. They lessen you. Your child may be trans. They may be also exploring the freedom of not having to be "girly." Or maybe it's both. Either way, it's important for you to model behavior that doesn't reduce women to nail-painting and baking cookies--and in reverse promote conceits or masculinity that are frightened of things like nail-painting and masculinity.

Sex is biology. Regressive sexual stereotypes are poison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop referring to things you enjoy as "girly." Stop promoting regressive female stereotypes. They lessen you. Your child may be trans. They may be also exploring the freedom of not having to be "girly." Or maybe it's both. Either way, it's important for you to model behavior that doesn't reduce women to nail-painting and baking cookies--and in reverse promote conceits or masculinity that are frightened of things like nail-painting and masculinity.

Sex is biology. Regressive sexual stereotypes are poison.

This is ridiculous. You don't get to tell other people how to express their femininity or their identity in general. Feminine women exist and she's allowed to be one. Acting like a masculine woman isn't going to make her child cis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is normal for you to feel that way.
I think your best bet is to stay neutral. Contrary to what others will say here, you DO NOT have to readily and excitedly go along with all of it. Your child will be fine as long as they know you love them and keep the door open to honest discussion.

My POV: am a lesbian and mom of teens.

Right now there is a huge wave of teens identifying as non-binary or trans, especially among those born female. There are 2 big drivers of this: 1. Social contagion/social media and 2. Normal teen feelings of being uncomfortable with how their bodies are changing, how the female body is objectified and viewed by males, and not wanting to follow gender norms of presentation that are so heavily foisted upon women. Or, maybe they are experiencing some feelings of same sex attraction. Or maybe they just want to explore identities and presentation, which does not have to mean changing one’s body.

Personally I have known several females of different ages from teens through early thirties who have in the past several years either began transitioning or exploring their gender identity. One friend of mine has pretty much completed their transition and now uses he/him pronouns. The other have either desisted completely or tried different things and ended up in a space of being gender-queer but not fully committed to one gender or the other. It is also totally normal to feel different ways during different periods of your life. Hormones change, things can happen in your life that affect how you feel.

At 9 I was a tomboy who collected baseball cards.
At 15 I wore long curls and wore babydoll dresses and liked girls.
At 18 I chopped my hair and wore boy clothes (trans wasn’t a thing known by many back then)
At 26 I had long hair and married a man and then had babies and baked cookies
At 35 I realized I’d made a mistake by marrying a man
At 40 I got out, chopped my hair, learned how to use power tools, and got out of my marriage, and started wearing men’s clothes
Now at 45 in LTR with a woman, still mostly wear men’s clothes but will make a batch of cookies here and there, and toying with the idea of letting my hair grow a little bit
So who knows what’s in the future?

Point is, your teen likely has a lot of growing and experiences ahead. It is best to stay neutral and keep the door open. I’m very glad I did not grow up in the current setting because I definitely would have been sucked in to the trans stuff, which in my heart I believe is damaging a lot of young people now.

I just want to say this is so helpful and encouraging. I wish we were all given the freedom and choices in our childhoods that kids have today. Sexuality and gender identity is not binary. I'm a cis woman happily married to a man, but I wish I had been able to explore alternate identities as a young person without judgment.

[Anonymous]

If you want to maintain your connection to your child, have a frank discussion with them. Tell them that you love them and that you want to support them as they discover themself, but you aren't sure how. Ask them to tell you how they want you to support them and do your best to honor those things. Each person's journey may be different (as you can see from some of the responses). The point is not how these people transitioned or needed support, but what your child needs for support. The most important factor to convey is that you love and support them. It's not only important for you to believe that, but for your child to understand and believe it. After that, the details can be worked out.

Your child is/was afraid to come out to you because they don't fully believe that your love is greater than your belief in traditional gender models. You need to convince your child that it is. And note, I'm not saying that you don't love your child enough. I'm saying that your child is not convinced that your love is enough in this situation. And you need to convince them that it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is normal for you to feel that way.
I think your best bet is to stay neutral. Contrary to what others will say here, you DO NOT have to readily and excitedly go along with all of it. Your child will be fine as long as they know you love them and keep the door open to honest discussion.

My POV: am a lesbian and mom of teens.

Right now there is a huge wave of teens identifying as non-binary or trans, especially among those born female. There are 2 big drivers of this: 1. Social contagion/social media and 2. Normal teen feelings of being uncomfortable with how their bodies are changing, how the female body is objectified and viewed by males, and not wanting to follow gender norms of presentation that are so heavily foisted upon women. Or, maybe they are experiencing some feelings of same sex attraction. Or maybe they just want to explore identities and presentation, which does not have to mean changing one’s body.

Personally I have known several females of different ages from teens through early thirties who have in the past several years either began transitioning or exploring their gender identity. One friend of mine has pretty much completed their transition and now uses he/him pronouns. The other have either desisted completely or tried different things and ended up in a space of being gender-queer but not fully committed to one gender or the other. It is also totally normal to feel different ways during different periods of your life. Hormones change, things can happen in your life that affect how you feel.

At 9 I was a tomboy who collected baseball cards.
At 15 I wore long curls and wore babydoll dresses and liked girls.
At 18 I chopped my hair and wore boy clothes (trans wasn’t a thing known by many back then)
At 26 I had long hair and married a man and then had babies and baked cookies
At 35 I realized I’d made a mistake by marrying a man
At 40 I got out, chopped my hair, learned how to use power tools, and got out of my marriage, and started wearing men’s clothes
Now at 45 in LTR with a woman, still mostly wear men’s clothes but will make a batch of cookies here and there, and toying with the idea of letting my hair grow a little bit
So who knows what’s in the future?

Point is, your teen likely has a lot of growing and experiences ahead. It is best to stay neutral and keep the door open. I’m very glad I did not grow up in the current setting because I definitely would have been sucked in to the trans stuff, which in my heart I believe is damaging a lot of young people now.

Bi mom, have kids with my wife, one of whom IDs as a lesbian at the age of 13–this is interesting. I have my skepticism when so many AFAB (assigned female at birth) kids come out as nonbinary or trans, and even of my kid being a lesbian as opposed to bi or pansexual, but what’s the harm?? Are you talking about surgery and hormones? I would love if gender identity and sexual orientation could be like one’s interests—you can be into science through your teens, realize you want to do theater in college, and then do public health. How does it hurt someone to express themselves in different ways across time? Did it hurt you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 13 yo DC has come out to our family as a trans by cutting his hair off himself and then saying that he wouldn’t have the courage to let us know until he did it. This is not a shock. For two years, he identified to family, but not publicly, as nonbinary using she/her pronouns. From elementary school, DC shared he thought he would become male after hearing from an older trans male student. He also has out nonbinary friends (but they recently seem to re-identify as cisgender).

The truth is I’m secretly devastated. The past year, DC started wanting to do stereotypically girl activities with me, asking me to do their hair, volunteering that we should go together to beauty appts, etc. I enjoyed that time, and now the new reality really hurts. I have multiple kids and all genders are represented, but I am closest to this child.

If anyone else has been through this, how do you support your DC without betraying your disappointment?

Form friendships with adult women, or mentor young women, to go to the salon with. My straight brother painted my nails. Your kid can paint yours.

[Anonymous]

Your child’s interests shouldn’t change because they are expressing gender differently. If they liked to bake and do hair a few months ago they would still like to bake and do hair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is normal for you to feel that way.
I think your best bet is to stay neutral. Contrary to what others will say here, you DO NOT have to readily and excitedly go along with all of it. Your child will be fine as long as they know you love them and keep the door open to honest discussion.

My POV: am a lesbian and mom of teens.

Right now there is a huge wave of teens identifying as non-binary or trans, especially among those born female. There are 2 big drivers of this: 1. Social contagion/social media and 2. Normal teen feelings of being uncomfortable with how their bodies are changing, how the female body is objectified and viewed by males, and not wanting to follow gender norms of presentation that are so heavily foisted upon women. Or, maybe they are experiencing some feelings of same sex attraction. Or maybe they just want to explore identities and presentation, which does not have to mean changing one’s body.

Personally I have known several females of different ages from teens through early thirties who have in the past several years either began transitioning or exploring their gender identity. One friend of mine has pretty much completed their transition and now uses he/him pronouns. The other have either desisted completely or tried different things and ended up in a space of being gender-queer but not fully committed to one gender or the other. It is also totally normal to feel different ways during different periods of your life. Hormones change, things can happen in your life that affect how you feel.

At 9 I was a tomboy who collected baseball cards.
At 15 I wore long curls and wore babydoll dresses and liked girls.
At 18 I chopped my hair and wore boy clothes (trans wasn’t a thing known by many back then)
At 26 I had long hair and married a man and then had babies and baked cookies
At 35 I realized I’d made a mistake by marrying a man
At 40 I got out, chopped my hair, learned how to use power tools, and got out of my marriage, and started wearing men’s clothes
Now at 45 in LTR with a woman, still mostly wear men’s clothes but will make a batch of cookies here and there, and toying with the idea of letting my hair grow a little bit
So who knows what’s in the future?

Point is, your teen likely has a lot of growing and experiences ahead. It is best to stay neutral and keep the door open. I’m very glad I did not grow up in the current setting because I definitely would have been sucked in to the trans stuff, which in my heart I believe is damaging a lot of young people now.

Bi mom, have kids with my wife, one of whom IDs as a lesbian at the age of 13–this is interesting. I have my skepticism when so many AFAB (assigned female at birth) kids come out as nonbinary or trans, and even of my kid being a lesbian as opposed to bi or pansexual, but what’s the harm?? Are you talking about surgery and hormones? I would love if gender identity and sexual orientation could be like one’s interests—you can be into science through your teens, realize you want to do theater in college, and then do public health. How does it hurt someone to express themselves in different ways across time? Did it hurt you?

There is no harm in expressing oneself in different ways across time. We all change and evolve.

Potential harms are those that could be caused by hormones and surgery.

But I think in OP’s case, the more real and present harm may be that the child is suppressing parts of themself that they see as being in conflict with their new identity, and that is sad.

[Anonymous]

Puberty hits some girls really really hard and they want to reject everything about their changing bodies and societal expectations. Some of them do that and officially declare themselves TRANS.
My DD had about 6 friends who became trans between 8th grade and freshman year. They all went through big swings, changing their names, appearance, dating girls etc. High school was very volatile for them, but most of their parents just tried to be supportive. 5 of the 6 of them reverted to being girls by college. A couple of them settled as lesbian/bi, but the others are hetero.

Anyway, just try to be open and remind them you love them, and focus on safety and that you don’t need to fit societal expectations of gender. They’ll figure it out

[Anonymous]

I’m starting to think that every female pre-teen/teen is declaring themselves as non-binary and then finding their born identity later on. It’s cool, it’s hip, everyone is doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m starting to think that every female pre-teen/teen is declaring themselves as non-binary and then finding their born identity later on. It’s cool, it’s hip, everyone is doing it.

It sounds like the OP's child is identifying as a trans boy not nonbinary.

[Anonymous]

It's probably just a typo but calling your child "a trans" signals to me that you might want to read up on gender issues. I don't think that is supportive language. I was very uninformed when our teen (who had been out as attracted to same sex since age 12, orientation rather than gender identity) started using they/them pronouns & using a different name. It really took me a long time to learn and understand, so be patient with yourself. Also, fwiw, many kids who are experimenting with gender lean really hard into gender stereotypes first (as they are thinking of questioning, as it can be scary to contemplate) before rejecting them. And to the commenters who think kids don't love certain interests one day and try on another set of activities or identities the next, that contradicts what I have seen as a parent & MS/HS teacher. We as parents are friendly with a number of other parents of trans kids (youth, young adults) & most of us would counsel you to lead with love, understanding can come later. Just make sure your kid knows you love them as a human & then do all you can to keep lines of communication open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's probably just a typo but calling your child "a trans" signals to me that you might want to read up on gender issues. I don't think that is supportive language. I was very uninformed when our teen (who had been out as attracted to same sex since age 12, orientation rather than gender identity) started using they/them pronouns & using a different name. It really took me a long time to learn and understand, so be patient with yourself. Also, fwiw, many kids who are experimenting with gender lean really hard into gender stereotypes first (as they are thinking of questioning, as it can be scary to contemplate) before rejecting them. And to the commenters who think kids don't love certain interests one day and try on another set of activities or identities the next, that contradicts what I have seen as a parent & MS/HS teacher. We as parents are friendly with a number of other parents of trans kids (youth, young adults) & most of us would counsel you to lead with love, understanding can come later. Just make sure your kid knows you love them as a human & then do all you can to keep lines of communication open.

This is OP. Things have settled down for us in my house. I support my child, and DC knows he is loved.

Yes, “a trans” was a typo—I omitted the word boy, it should have read “a trans boy” to explain they are going from a person AFAB who identifies as female to identifying as a male.