Kid Already Homesick and hasn’t Left!

[Anonymous]

I have an extremely bright kid With a very bright future. He is serious, studious, and has great social skills. I couldn’t ask for more. He’s also off to a great school next month. This school was his first choice.

However it’s become apparent that he’s not emotionally ready to leave home. He’s absolutely sick about leaving and it is like a looming doom is hovering over him. all of his friends seem so excited, as they should be, and for him he feels like he’s headed off to a horrible place. I’ve heard of kids being horribly homesick and I can already see it happening. I almost feel like he should try to defer enrollment for a year, but I feel like that’s really enabling this anxiety that is a bit irrational.

Has anyone else had a kid that was terrified to go off to school but they ended up settling in? And how did you manage them calling you upset and wanting to come home? He already told me he thinks he made a big mistake and should’ve taken a gap year.

[Anonymous]

Assure him this is normal and arrange counseling plans with the school’s health center ASAP. Don’t leave him without verifying the first counseling appointment is booked. Require him to select a club he will join before leaving home by searching the college’s organization directory online.

If he refuses to do the above proceed with gap year.

[Anonymous]

He will be fine. My DD is a rising senior and she always tells me before she goes back that she doesn't want to go, and she does and she loves it.

Jitters are normal, he should go and stick it out, just pump him up. tell him he's ready and this is a great thing. If you cater to his anxiety, he is going to get worse. When he goes, he needs to be focused on staying at least until fall break. He can always transfer if need be, but most people are ready to start college, unless there are significant mental health challenges, which it doesn't sound like there are.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to join a FRAT.

[Anonymous]

I can't stress enough that you need to be supportive but not enabling. It's perfectly normal for him to be nervous, but if you are constantly checking in and worrying about how he'll be, that will exacerbate his stress. And when he goes to school, let HIM reach out to you. Don't hover and say "are you ok" , "are you making friends" etc just listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't stress enough that you need to be supportive but not enabling. It's perfectly normal for him to be nervous, but if you are constantly checking in and worrying about how he'll be, that will exacerbate his stress. And when he goes to school, let HIM reach out to you. Don't hover and say "are you ok" , "are you making friends" etc just listen.

I think this is really good advice. Remember that avoiding usually INCREASES anxiety not decreases it. So a gap year likely won't help. Validate, tell him it is normal to feel worried during a big change and transition, and continue to tell him you know he can and will do it. Almost everyone has mixed feelings during transitions (even those excited friends likely will when the moment comes), it is normal. He needs to see you super confident he can do it. Empathize, but don't get to down in the feelings with him. He's got this.

[Anonymous]

I have a rising freshman who is also far more anxious than excited. I think it’s normal and just try to validate.

[Anonymous]

He's anxious about the unknown. Be supportive but make it clear that he needs to go when the time comes and try his best to make it work. Deferring enrollment won't help, it will actually make it worse because he would have another year to think about it. Best to go ahead and rip the bandaid. Every single freshman is also new to the situation so he won't be alone.

[Anonymous]

That’s anxiety not homesickness.

Stop feeding it.

Learn about ANTs

https://www.amenclinics.com/blog/gain-control-over-negative-self-talk/

[Anonymous]

Can you tell what he is nervous about? Might be helpful to talk through the real issue (making friends? Navigating campus? Losing closeness with HS friends?) and talk about how to prevent/handle.

[Anonymous]

Has he ever done anything by himself? Like taken a flight by himself, stayed all night in your house by himself. So many parents send their kids to college, and the kids have never done basic things to be independent. Being independent and having confidence in yourself, helps these kids feel successful at college.

[Anonymous]

DD is in a similar situation, although she struggles with anxiety about a lot of things. We recently started her on medication and therapy and we've seen a HUGE improvement. Her worries and nerves aren't completely gone (nor would I expect them to be), but even after six weeks we see a kid who is learning how to work through those emotions and that's awesome. I agree that the best thing you can do is validate that these concerns are normal and maybe help him brainstorm some strategies for dealing with things that he's potentially worried about, including knowing where to go if he's feeling really awful once he's there. If you can, latch on to an element about the school that you know he's really psyched about as that might help him transition from dread to excitement mode.

If this is part of a longer-term type of mental state/behavior (like our DD), I would consider the medication/therapy route, but that may not be an option if DS is leaving in a month due to the time it takes for meds to work and make sure they can tolerate it.

[Anonymous]

Remind him that it’s not forever, and if he’s truly unhappy (after giving it a fair chance) he can always transfer. He will need to give it a semester. I suggest that you go visit him for Parents weekend but don’t encourage him to come home during that first semester.

He will be fine. Nervousness is very common, but once he gets there, he will meet people and adjust.

He needs to view it as an adventure.

[Anonymous]

What’s he doing this summer? Sounds like a lot of free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has he ever done anything by himself? Like taken a flight by himself, stayed all night in your house by himself. So many parents send their kids to college, and the kids have never done basic things to be independent. Being independent and having confidence in yourself, helps these kids feel successful at college.

OP here yea this is what so crazy! He wanted to go to Europe this summer to see a concert and did it entirely himself. He has absolutely no issues with that. He flew into a big city, took a train, and then navigated the subway. We’re absolutely outlier parents as we have even vacationed and left him home alone in high school. He just doesn’t want to move out of his house that he’s known since birth. This anxiety is very reared about leaving him. He even knows kids at this school that he enjoys and has a great roommate from what I can tell. This sudden anxiety has really thrown us for a loop.