Everyone who loves their old parent is so lucky

[Anonymous]

My mom is 77 and in an assisted living due to vascular dementia. I’m POA and her only child. When I read the posts about people loving and mourning their 94 year old parents, I can’t believe how lucky you all have been at life.

My mom has always been selfish, difficult, and mean. She’s always put herself first and never cared much about me or my feelings. She is entirely the same person with dementia. I do a lot of work for her and take good care of her. Even with her limited mental capabilities, she is still able to text me snarky things like “don’t you care about me?” And “you never called me today I’m going to bed”.

Our whole relationship is duty. I love her out of obligation. In my most private prayers, I pray she dies soon and quickly so that her miserable (no health issues, just a miserable person) life is over and I can move on in my own life without this caretaking.

I hope that gives some comfort to those who know the true love of an aging parent.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Give the relationship a lot of space and boundaries. Put yourself first.

[Anonymous]

Yes. A friend of mine lost her mom last year and was heartbroken and a part of me was just so jealous because I know I will not feel this way. We buried my dad who was a miserable selfish cruel man and it is now weird to have a relationship with my mom where she doesn’t act like Edith Bunker, scurrying around and waiting on my father. I literally have no idea who she is individually because he treated her like a slave. We visit her in the nursing home and it is so strange because she doesn’t miss my father either.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. It’s hard to have a parent like that. Mine has helped ruin sibling relationships by creating divisions through lying and pitting her kids against each other.

In return, I take care of parent’s taxes, handle their bills and certain medical appointments, take them out sometimes, etc. But, over time, I have reduced my visits and getting them into AL reduced my workload.

I try never to be alone with them because they can start screaming at any time, though medication has helped with that.

Take care of yourself first.

[Anonymous]

Too bad there isn't a way to screen her messages. Too bad there isn't a way to have someone screen her messages. Here ... here, this is the only important part.

Wait. She is in Assisted Living. If something dire happened to her *they* would call you. They would. This is what you pay for. You really do not need to be there for her, in every way that *she* thinks. I would move towards a different pattern. Set aside a time of day when you look at her messages, or every few days. Same with visiting and doing anything for her -- it's on you to come up with a sustainable schedule for you.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I really feel bad when people are sad, but I'm a little bit jealous. They mourn their parents decline or passing. When I think about it, I mourn my whole adult life for what could have been.

When they pass, it will be a little bit of a relief because then I can let that little kid hope (that things can be better if I just try hard enough) die within me.

[Anonymous]

Yes this is one of those things I think but you can't really express because people who have loving parents with whom they have good relationships just can't really understand. And it's hard if not impossible to explain to someone in the midst of grief (even if their parent died some time ago) that their grief is a gift in a way because it represents how deeply they loved and were loved. No one wants to hear that but it's true.

Those of us who don't have that kind of loving parent have been living with grief pretty much our whole lives. I think I started grieving the lack of love and affection from my parents when I was still a child. And as with any grief you can find ways to carry it easier but it never really goes away. But people who ha loving parents will never understand this and they will always just assume that if you have a living parent you are more fortunate than someone who has lost their parent. They don't understand what it is to live without parental love as a child and adolscent and how deeply painful that is -- they only know what it is to lose the love of a parent who has loved them and treated them well all their lives.

They know loss but not true absence and they never will.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone, OP.

And also, you are not required to “love her out of obligation.” You are not even required to be in her life. Just because someone is related by blood doesn’t mean we are required to have a relationship with them, especially if they don’t treat us with respect. If you choose to do so, you also can choose to set boundaries. Like she doesn’t get to text you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes this is one of those things I think but you can't really express because people who have loving parents with whom they have good relationships just can't really understand. And it's hard if not impossible to explain to someone in the midst of grief (even if their parent died some time ago) that their grief is a gift in a way because it represents how deeply they loved and were loved. No one wants to hear that but it's true.

Those of us who don't have that kind of loving parent have been living with grief pretty much our whole lives. I think I started grieving the lack of love and affection from my parents when I was still a child. And as with any grief you can find ways to carry it easier but it never really goes away. But people who ha loving parents will never understand this and they will always just assume that if you have a living parent you are more fortunate than someone who has lost their parent. They don't understand what it is to live without parental love as a child and adolscent and how deeply painful that is -- they only know what it is to lose the love of a parent who has loved them and treated them well all their lives.

They know loss but not true absence and they never will.

This was so well put. Thank you, PP, for writing this out. I, too, started grieving the lack of love and affection from my parents when I was still a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes this is one of those things I think but you can't really express because people who have loving parents with whom they have good relationships just can't really understand. And it's hard if not impossible to explain to someone in the midst of grief (even if their parent died some time ago) that their grief is a gift in a way because it represents how deeply they loved and were loved. No one wants to hear that but it's true.

Those of us who don't have that kind of loving parent have been living with grief pretty much our whole lives. I think I started grieving the lack of love and affection from my parents when I was still a child. And as with any grief you can find ways to carry it easier but it never really goes away. But people who ha loving parents will never understand this and they will always just assume that if you have a living parent you are more fortunate than someone who has lost their parent. They don't understand what it is to live without parental love as a child and adolscent and how deeply painful that is -- they only know what it is to lose the love of a parent who has loved them and treated them well all their lives.

They know loss but not true absence and they never will.

Very well said. Very.

People constantly question my relationship with my parents (specifically my father) and they'll just never understand. I didn't realize that my nuclear family wasn't normal until I went out into the world and saw how other people interacted with their parents. It's a void or an absence you live with your entire life. And it's grief that you'll never have what other people have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes this is one of those things I think but you can't really express because people who have loving parents with whom they have good relationships just can't really understand. And it's hard if not impossible to explain to someone in the midst of grief (even if their parent died some time ago) that their grief is a gift in a way because it represents how deeply they loved and were loved. No one wants to hear that but it's true.

Those of us who don't have that kind of loving parent have been living with grief pretty much our whole lives. I think I started grieving the lack of love and affection from my parents when I was still a child. And as with any grief you can find ways to carry it easier but it never really goes away. But people who ha loving parents will never understand this and they will always just assume that if you have a living parent you are more fortunate than someone who has lost their parent. They don't understand what it is to live without parental love as a child and adolscent and how deeply painful that is -- they only know what it is to lose the love of a parent who has loved them and treated them well all their lives.

They know loss but not true absence and they never will.

Very well said. Very.

People constantly question my relationship with my parents (specifically my father) and they'll just never understand. I didn't realize that my nuclear family wasn't normal until I went out into the world and saw how other people interacted with their parents. It's a void or an absence you live with your entire life. And it's grief that you'll never have what other people have.

So true. In some ways, the pain has been more acute, seeing how DH interacts with our kids. He hugs them, cuddles them, and cares about their emotional well-being. They'll turn to him with struggles. I never had that with my dad. My mom has always been very codependent, and she's felt like my load to carry as my parents have aged and started drifting apart. But it's not like what OP describes. I can pull from memories where my parents made sacrifices for us, mostly financial, and also of their time shuffling us to activities. It helps me to focus on the good things rather than dwell on what I missed out on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes this is one of those things I think but you can't really express because people who have loving parents with whom they have good relationships just can't really understand. And it's hard if not impossible to explain to someone in the midst of grief (even if their parent died some time ago) that their grief is a gift in a way because it represents how deeply they loved and were loved. No one wants to hear that but it's true.

Those of us who don't have that kind of loving parent have been living with grief pretty much our whole lives. I think I started grieving the lack of love and affection from my parents when I was still a child. And as with any grief you can find ways to carry it easier but it never really goes away. But people who ha loving parents will never understand this and they will always just assume that if you have a living parent you are more fortunate than someone who has lost their parent. They don't understand what it is to live without parental love as a child and adolscent and how deeply painful that is -- they only know what it is to lose the love of a parent who has loved them and treated them well all their lives.

They know loss but not true absence and they never will.

+1
Sometimes when I post here I will get a troll reply like "your parents didn't love you", well, duh, I've always known that. It's not as hurtful as they intend it, because it's just reality. And I have actually told someone that the grief they felt for their father represents the relationship. She got mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too bad there isn't a way to screen her messages. Too bad there isn't a way to have someone screen her messages. Here ... here, this is the only important part.

Wait. She is in Assisted Living. If something dire happened to her *they* would call you. They would. This is what you pay for. You really do not need to be there for her, in every way that *she* thinks. I would move towards a different pattern. Set aside a time of day when you look at her messages, or every few days. Same with visiting and doing anything for her -- it's on you to come up with a sustainable schedule for you.

100% agree. Stop the visits and calls. Check with staff as needed. You are worthy of self care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 77 and in an assisted living due to vascular dementia. I’m POA and her only child. When I read the posts about people loving and mourning their 94 year old parents, I can’t believe how lucky you all have been at life.

My mom has always been selfish, difficult, and mean. She’s always put herself first and never cared much about me or my feelings. She is entirely the same person with dementia. I do a lot of work for her and take good care of her. Even with her limited mental capabilities, she is still able to text me snarky things like “don’t you care about me?” And “you never called me today I’m going to bed”.

Our whole relationship is duty. I love her out of obligation. In my most private prayers, I pray she dies soon and quickly so that her miserable (no health issues, just a miserable person) life is over and I can move on in my own life without this caretaking.

I hope that gives some comfort to those who know the true love of an aging parent.

I'm sorry about this but my mother is 94 and the same. You may have many years of this ahead of you

[Anonymous]

This post is so obnoxious. There is to gauge or threshold to one's grief.