I'm Trying to Gently Show My DD That the Boy She Likes Is Not Interested in Her

[Anonymous]

DD's (15) long time crush expressed an interest in her and came on strong and the very quickly dialed it back (they have been BFFs for years). Now, he takes days to text her back, cancels hangouts at the last minute, doesn't ask to hangout and if he sees her out, will take his time coming around to say hello but will later make an excuse as to why he did not interact with her more when he saw her out. I get it - he's a teen and neither one of them has relationship experience. He's actually not a bad kid (has been a great friend to her) but for whatever reason, the situation has now changed. I just want her to see these signs for what they are. Instead, she's hanging on for dear life, thinking this is going to work out, counting the hours he doesn't text her back. I don't want to be negative about this situation or the boy but I kind of want her to read the signals of when a boy's interest has cooled and it's time to move on so in the future she will know when it's time to let it go and move on. Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Oh wow, that’s a difficult one because I think she needs to come to it on her own, as painful as it is to watch.

[Anonymous]

You have to let her figure that out herself.

[Anonymous]

I feel like you should talk to her about it and learn all the dating terms (gaslighting, dry texter, love bombing, future faking). I've had open conversations about these behaviors with my 14 yr old DD in regards to boys and friends. I get the eye roll more often but she listens (or so I think!). I'll say "did you ever hear of the term gaslighting" and she may have or haven't. I'll explain what I've read but more in a light matter of a fact way (and usually when I'm driving and we are just chatting). She already thinks I'm clueless on hip terms so it's not too far fetched these convos. Throwing this out there as an idea in case you'd think your DD would be receptive. Remind her she's the prize and she deserves to be treated better than what's he's doing right now even at a friend level. She may realize this on her own but a little self esteem boosting never hurts. And if you have your own examples from that age of something similar, share it and empathize on how hard it is when you have such feelings towards someone.

[Anonymous]

Just be honest & straightforward with your daughter--tell her it is clear that the young man is not interested in her in a romantic/boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be honest & straightforward with your daughter--tell her it is clear that the young man is not interested in her in a romantic/boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

This. And if/when she ignores you, step back and let her fall. It’s a lesson we all have to learn at some point. Being clear with her will hopefully give her a softer landing.

[Anonymous]

She needs to come to this realization on her own, not from Mommy telling her. Encourage her to improve her life - work out, strengthen her friendships, study for SAT's, teach herself something new - how to play guitar or ASL, etc.

[Anonymous]

This is tough, but I think should stop saying he is "great kid" and "great friend," stop talking him up and talking about him in general. She picks up on your attitude that he's Mr. Wonderful and then she wonders what's wrong with her that Mr. Wonderful doesn't think she's good enough. Talk about another boy for a change.

[Anonymous]

I asked one time if my daughter thought her dad ever did something like that to me when we were dating. She did not say anything at the time, but I could tell that she got my message. I know that won’t work for everyone, but I have had a couple of friends use variations of it with some success.

[Anonymous]

I’ve had my best luck giving my kids advice in a round about way, by telling them a similar story about my own dating past and then letting them connect the dots for their own situation.

[Anonymous]

Stop living your kid’s life.

[Anonymous]

Ask questions instead of giving advice.

[Anonymous]

Seems like Larlo just wants to be friends again

Or guys don’t really get into dating this early

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is tough, but I think should stop saying he is "great kid" and "great friend," stop talking him up and talking about him in general. She picks up on your attitude that he's Mr. Wonderful and then she wonders what's wrong with her that Mr. Wonderful doesn't think she's good enough. Talk about another boy for a change.

Excellent point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just be honest & straightforward with your daughter--tell her it is clear that the young man is not interested in her in a romantic/boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.

This. And if/when she ignores you, step back and let her fall. It’s a lesson we all have to learn at some point. Being clear with her will hopefully give her a softer landing.

I agree. Nothing wrong with offering advice and your wisdom from years of experience. But after that, you will have to let her do what she's going to do. She may be sad in the end, but these are growing pains that are needed to mature and become a well-adjusted adult. Very hard to witness as the parent, for sure!