A privileged position

[Anonymous]

My dear neighbor is in her mid 90s and still living in her own home and driving (whether or not she should be is not the point of this post). Her children live far away and visit as often as they can, but that only amounts to 4-5 visits a year.

She has dementia, but it mostly affects short term memory, and her personality is still happy and her sense of humor is in tact. She has led a fascinating life and has so much to share, and is incredibly empathetic too.

She will be moving into either independent or assisted living this fall, so this is her last summer as my neighbor. I’m spending lots of time with her- I visit at least twice a week for 1-2 hours, and I drop off food almost every day (no one has asked me to do this, but she gladly accepts the food every time) and will usually chat for a few moments.

It is such a privilege to be able to spend this time with her, time that her children are not getting with her. When they are here, they are always busy helping her with things that no one else can do for her, and often are teleworking at the same time. She’s a neighbor, not family, so there is no baggage with her. Luckily her health is quite good, aside from hearing and memory, so I don’t need to worry or try to assist with doctors appointments or anything (although I would if that were needed). I read this forum from time to time as a middle aged woman with my own parents who will need more care in the not so distant future. I’m glad that I have this positive experience with someone late in life, hopefully that will allow me to slow down and appreciate my parents more when that time comes.

[Anonymous]

Hope you will visit her too once she moves.

[Anonymous]

Very interesting perspective, OP, thank you for sharing. Now you mention it, I've never had that kind of helping, friendly (but not burdensome) relationship with an elderly person. It's nice to think you've made some of her older years fuller and happier.

[Anonymous]

I was going to say you sound smug/preachy, but on second thought, not really, although you cannot know what led to her kids living far away. In any event, what you’re really experiencing is the advantages of being physically close to someone, when you can just show up for an hour or two instead of having to make it a huge production.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was going to say you sound smug/preachy, but on second thought, not really, although you cannot know what led to her kids living far away. In any event, what you’re really experiencing is the advantages of being physically close to someone, when you can just show up for an hour or two instead of having to make it a huge production.

This. My hope is to set up things so my own children can simply enjoy visits and not be stressed out. My mother has a special friend around my age and I am glad she has her. I do not say a word to her about what I experience because I want mom to have this in her life. Luckily my husband gets the reality-I am the unappreciated family member or perhaps "spouse" for mom and she is the mistress. Mom wines and dines her, showers her with compliments and shows a side I rarely see. This woman lost her mom who was a truly doting mom so they get to have their fantasy together. She has no idea I deal with an unstable, rage filled monster behind closed doors every time mom goes off her meds. She doesn't know the backflips I have done to have mom in a safe situation. She doesn't know mom gossips about her and badmouths her behind her back and shut it down fast because mom has already alienated too many people. She would probably write something a lot like OP wrote, but she doesn't know the behind closed doors woman I know. She hasn't needed to deal with countless emergencies. She doesn't know why I elected to finally outsource a lot with mom because of what it was doing to me and the family I created. She can enjoy her fantasy. Mom enjoys the attention. She absolutely is in a privileged position to know a side of mom I never got to encounter, but I still love mom and I would not want to hurt mom or this woman by sharing any of it.

[Anonymous]

Not everybody spends their final days sad and miserable. My own grandma (on father's side) lived until 97 and was a pleasant and kind woman until the end. She had 6 sons and got along with each DIL, when I was little she in fact came to live with us and raised me as my mom couldn't quite handle it. I used to adore very old women, I thought all of them are like my grandma. Now that my own mom is there... it's different. Very different. She's not like my elderly grandma... because she never was. When a person was difficult, didn't get along with many when younger... guess what, they're the same difficult person as they age. After all, this forum is about problem solving and concerns, so people with happy and content elderly don't frequent here.