How to tell one of your friend's that you don't want your kids to hang

[Anonymous]

One of my friend's kids is just not a nice person. I don't want my kid hanging around them anymore. But my friend is constantly wanting our families' to hang out.

Ghosting is not an option because I truly don't think they will get the hint. They think their kid is God's gift to this earth.

How do you navigate this without destroying a friendship?

Anyone been there done that?

[Anonymous]

You don’t. You arrange outings with just the adults and don’t mention it. Unless you want to blow up the friendship because there is no way for that not to happen if you’re honest.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this. Ever get the feeling someone’s kid is going to end up in jail and is likely a psychopath? That’s her child unfortunately.

I started declining all family invitations. This become easier to do as kids got older and had more weekend obligations. I reach out occasionally to meet for coffee/lunch, go out as couples. We aren’t as close as when the kids were little, but we aren’t estranged either. It works.

[Anonymous]

Just say you are too busy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my friend's kids is just not a nice person. I don't want my kid hanging around them anymore. But my friend is constantly wanting our families' to hang out.

Ghosting is not an option because I truly don't think they will get the hint. They think their kid is God's gift to this earth.

How do you navigate this without destroying a friendship?

Anyone been there done that?

It's a "love me, love my kid.". Just stop seeing them with no explanations.

[Anonymous]

I have just watched a friend go through this. She simply said, "Larla has said some hurtful things to DD and they need a break from each other. I'd love to hang out with you, sans kids, but we wont be doing family activities together for a bit."

I'm sure it was awkward but the adults remain friendly.

[Anonymous]

Address it kindly but head on if you wish to remain friendly. And leave the dooe open for occasional outings. Or else suggest things you can live with, like is the kid better that their house, or outdoors somewhere? Are there short activities you can tolerate?

[Anonymous]

Working a corporate job I’ve realized that I am likely the exception in that I like feedback and don’t take it personally but if I were the other mom I’d be interested in knowing. Not that I’ll always agree or side with you but feedback is helpful. I would not make it personal like you did in your post - simply state very factually what the kid has done that goes against your family’s values and boundaries. Then it’s really in her court whether she wants to continue the friendship.

[Anonymous]

What we have done in this situation is quietly make choices that keep the kids apart but otherwise maintain the friendship. It's tricky because in our case our kid wants to spend time with their kid. But as the kids have gotten older we would like to limit their time together because we see troubling behaviors in the other kid that we don't want to spread to our child.

We do still socialize with them as a family but only in settings where we can observe the kids the whole time and where there's a clear end point. I also prep my kid for these social functions but sitting down and saying "ok when you see Larlo today please remember [certain behaviors are not okay even if Larlo does them]." We also intervene more when we spend time with them than we would with other kids.

But then separately we have ensured the kids are not in the same classes at school and we do not do the same activities either. I just play dumb with this stuff but it's a conscious choice.

So our kids spend time together maybe once (at most twice) a month and when they do we are present and can both prep our kid and debrief after if we need to. In this way we think our kid is starting to understand that this other child is not a great influence and doesn't make great choices.

We'll see how this progresses. I genuinly like the parents but I also feel frustration at what I perceive as a lack of urgency on their part to address their child's behavioral issues. Sometimes I think one reason they push so hard to get our kids together is becasue they hope our kid will be a positive influence. I hope so too but I also wish they would take more concrete action on their own (I think therapy is needed as well as possibly restructuring their family life to address some of the stressors that clearly influence the acting out).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend like this. Ever get the feeling someone’s kid is going to end up in jail and is likely a psychopath? That’s her child unfortunately.

I started declining all family invitations. This become easier to do as kids got older and had more weekend obligations. I reach out occasionally to meet for coffee/lunch, go out as couples. We aren’t as close as when the kids were little, but we aren’t estranged either. It works.

This. I go through phases with one friend. I like her and one of her kids is fine. The other kid is a complete jerk. Sometimes we spend time together and sometimes I pull my kids back to strengthen their other relationships, because this kid gives me such a bad vibe. She's clueless and/or in denial about what a jerk her kid is. I do spend time with her around only adults though, and that works for us. The kids see each other infrequently at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What we have done in this situation is quietly make choices that keep the kids apart but otherwise maintain the friendship. It's tricky because in our case our kid wants to spend time with their kid. But as the kids have gotten older we would like to limit their time together because we see troubling behaviors in the other kid that we don't want to spread to our child.

We do still socialize with them as a family but only in settings where we can observe the kids the whole time and where there's a clear end point. I also prep my kid for these social functions but sitting down and saying "ok when you see Larlo today please remember [certain behaviors are not okay even if Larlo does them]." We also intervene more when we spend time with them than we would with other kids.

But then separately we have ensured the kids are not in the same classes at school and we do not do the same activities either. I just play dumb with this stuff but it's a conscious choice.

So our kids spend time together maybe once (at most twice) a month and when they do we are present and can both prep our kid and debrief after if we need to. In this way we think our kid is starting to understand that this other child is not a great influence and doesn't make great choices.

We'll see how this progresses. I genuinly like the parents but I also feel frustration at what I perceive as a lack of urgency on their part to address their child's behavioral issues. Sometimes I think one reason they push so hard to get our kids together is becasue they hope our kid will be a positive influence. I hope so too but I also wish they would take more concrete action on their own (I think therapy is needed as well as possibly restructuring their family life to address some of the stressors that clearly influence the acting out).

This sounds exhausting. Sorry, would simply drift away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my friend's kids is just not a nice person. I don't want my kid hanging around them anymore. But my friend is constantly wanting our families' to hang out.

Ghosting is not an option because I truly don't think they will get the hint. They think their kid is God's gift to this earth.

How do you navigate this without destroying a friendship?

Anyone been there done that?

You can't. If you share that you don't want the kids to hang out and tell them why then the friendship is over. Think about it would you want to hang out with a person who thought and then told you that YOUR kid was a little sh*t? I wouldn't! Doesn't matter if it is true or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend like this. Ever get the feeling someone’s kid is going to end up in jail and is likely a psychopath? That’s her child unfortunately.

I started declining all family invitations. This become easier to do as kids got older and had more weekend obligations. I reach out occasionally to meet for coffee/lunch, go out as couples. We aren’t as close as when the kids were little, but we aren’t estranged either. It works.

This. I go through phases with one friend. I like her and one of her kids is fine. The other kid is a complete jerk. Sometimes we spend time together and sometimes I pull my kids back to strengthen their other relationships, because this kid gives me such a bad vibe. She's clueless and/or in denial about what a jerk her kid is. I do spend time with her around only adults though, and that works for us. The kids see each other infrequently at this point.

Aren't we all to some extent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my friend's kids is just not a nice person. I don't want my kid hanging around them anymore. But my friend is constantly wanting our families' to hang out.

Ghosting is not an option because I truly don't think they will get the hint. They think their kid is God's gift to this earth.

How do you navigate this without destroying a friendship?

Anyone been there done that?

You can't. If you share that you don't want the kids to hang out and tell them why then the friendship is over. Think about it would you want to hang out with a person who thought and then told you that YOUR kid was a little sh*t? I wouldn't! Doesn't matter if it is true or not.

I find this fascinating. If another parent nicely said they didn't want to spend time with your kid because she called the other kid names, or was too energetic for the other kid, or something, you'd cut off the friendship?

I get that it would hurt. And I get that some parents are just used to the behavior so are immune, in which case no matter how nicely it is put if feels like unjustified criticism. But do you not reflect on what has been said? Or you're just pi$$ed??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have just watched a friend go through this. She simply said, "Larla has said some hurtful things to DD and they need a break from each other. I'd love to hang out with you, sans kids, but we wont be doing family activities together for a bit."

I'm sure it was awkward but the adults remain friendly.

I think this is close. I would reword to make it more neutral, implying that the combo of your kids isn’t working well right now. “The last few times Larla and Larlo have gotten together, there have been some unkind words. I don’t think they’re gelling well right now. I'd love to hang out with you, sans kids, but we wont be doing family activities together for a bit."