How to tell one of your friend's that you don't want your kids to hang

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend like this. Ever get the feeling someone’s kid is going to end up in jail and is likely a psychopath? That’s her child unfortunately.

I started declining all family invitations. This become easier to do as kids got older and had more weekend obligations. I reach out occasionally to meet for coffee/lunch, go out as couples. We aren’t as close as when the kids were little, but we aren’t estranged either. It works.

This. I go through phases with one friend. I like her and one of her kids is fine. The other kid is a complete jerk. Sometimes we spend time together and sometimes I pull my kids back to strengthen their other relationships, because this kid gives me such a bad vibe. She's clueless and/or in denial about what a jerk her kid is. I do spend time with her around only adults though, and that works for us. The kids see each other infrequently at this point.

Aren't we all to some extent?

The amount of people I know that fit that description has me wondering the same about myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t. You arrange outings with just the adults and don’t mention it. Unless you want to blow up the friendship because there is no way for that not to happen if you’re honest.

k

This. Leave your kid at home, or arrange play date. There is no way to say this without it affecting your friendship.

[Anonymous]

How old is this kid? I’ve dealt with my kids being horribly bulled (physically pushed, bully saying they wished my kid would die, etc.) but I still would not describe the bullies as “not nice kids.” They’re kids who are dealing with things like divorce and drama and acting out because of it. I’m not saying I forced my kids to spend time with them because I did not, but your post makes you sound like kind of a jerk. If it were me, I’d get to the root of why you think the kid is acting in a way you don’t like and then, if this truly a good friend, address it with them. Yes, some parents are clueless and think their kids can do no wrong and there’s not much you can do if they dismiss what you’re saying. But you’re writing off a kid and labeling them as a bad human and that seems kind of extreme to me.

[Anonymous]

Unpopular opinion: I am just direct about it.

[Anonymous]

You don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my friend's kids is just not a nice person. I don't want my kid hanging around them anymore. But my friend is constantly wanting our families' to hang out.

Ghosting is not an option because I truly don't think they will get the hint. They think their kid is God's gift to this earth.

How do you navigate this without destroying a friendship?

Anyone been there done that?

You can't. If you share that you don't want the kids to hang out and tell them why then the friendship is over. Think about it would you want to hang out with a person who thought and then told you that YOUR kid was a little sh*t? I wouldn't! Doesn't matter if it is true or not.

I find this fascinating. If another parent nicely said they didn't want to spend time with your kid because she called the other kid names, or was too energetic for the other kid, or something, you'd cut off the friendship?

I get that it would hurt. And I get that some parents are just used to the behavior so are immune, in which case no matter how nicely it is put if feels like unjustified criticism. But do you not reflect on what has been said? Or you're just pi$$ed??

NP. I just don’t see how pointing out you don’t like their kid because xyz and don’t want to be around that kid is helpful. Especially because in most situation like this, the child is not neurotypical. They have ODD/ADHD or something else that the parents are likely doing their best to address. Even if it doesn’t seem like it in front of you

[Anonymous]

I was in this situation and told my friend that I had noticed that my child got on her child’s nerves and they didn’t seem to be a good combo — I said that maybe adult only get togethers or get togethers where there were lots of kids were better.

Our situation was that her son said really mean things to my kid when they were alone or thought they were alone. I overheard it a couple of times—my son never complained but told me about other things when I asked about it. I put an end to their being alone together. And I knew my friend would not have believed it of her son, who’s a little squirrelly but not usually a bad kid.

I found a way to protect my son without damaging our friendship, but here’s the thing— if the only way to protect my son from a bully or terrible influence was to damage a friendship, I would do it. Priorities.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks all. This is all very validating. I will attempt to distance without a confrontation. Will address it head on if they absolutely aren't getting a hint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is this kid? I’ve dealt with my kids being horribly bulled (physically pushed, bully saying they wished my kid would die, etc.) but I still would not describe the bullies as “not nice kids.” They’re kids who are dealing with things like divorce and drama and acting out because of it. I’m not saying I forced my kids to spend time with them because I did not, but your post makes you sound like kind of a jerk. If it were me, I’d get to the root of why you think the kid is acting in a way you don’t like and then, if this truly a good friend, address it with them. Yes, some parents are clueless and think their kids can do no wrong and there’s not much you can do if they dismiss what you’re saying. But you’re writing off a kid and labeling them as a bad human and that seems kind of extreme to me.

You are ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Some of you are too concerned about upsetting the other parent. If your child is bullying my child then I am not going to sugarcoat your child's behavior. If my child was bullying your child then I would not want you to sugarcoat my child's behavior. The safety of my child is more important than friendship with someone whose child is hurting my child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion: I am just direct about it.

dp I assume you can also take it if another parent tells you that YOUR kid is a brat? And let's face it kids are all brats at one time or another.

For example, my dd whom we did not know had Autism went to a birthday party where she was pretty annoying to the mom. Not egregious but, things like "I don't like these cookies etc" Well combined with this mom being a very old fashioned mom and strict it didn't go well. I think she was 6.

After the party she came over to me and told me all the ways my dd was awful. Granted I'm not saying my dd was well behaved but, it made me feel really bad because I couldn't do anything after the party and I was embarrassed. So I didn't say anything but, I never forgot how awful I felt. If we could have some grace towards kids ( not knowing this particular situation) but, that could be the kindest thing.

She didn't have to tell me how awful my kid was. If she didn't want to invite my dd over again ( and not tell me) that would have been fine too!

Point being do not tell your friend that her child is awful. If you must say the kids don't seem to be getting along so can we take a break

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you are too concerned about upsetting the other parent. If your child is bullying my child then I am not going to sugarcoat your child's behavior. If my child was bullying your child then I would not want you to sugarcoat my child's behavior. The safety of my child is more important than friendship with someone whose child is hurting my child

That wasn't the question. Op wants to remain friends with the mom and doesn't want to get the kids together. If you don't care about the friendship sure tell her that her kid is the problem. That parent probably won't want to see op again. But sounds like you face problems with a sledge hammer instead of some thing more subtle.

[Anonymous]

My kid has SN and doesn’t get along with most other kids. We’ve moved to mostly mom’s gatherings. It hurts but it makes sense. Of course, we are open and understanding about our kid’s challenges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is this kid? I’ve dealt with my kids being horribly bulled (physically pushed, bully saying they wished my kid would die, etc.) but I still would not describe the bullies as “not nice kids.” They’re kids who are dealing with things like divorce and drama and acting out because of it. I’m not saying I forced my kids to spend time with them because I did not, but your post makes you sound like kind of a jerk. If it were me, I’d get to the root of why you think the kid is acting in a way you don’t like and then, if this truly a good friend, address it with them. Yes, some parents are clueless and think their kids can do no wrong and there’s not much you can do if they dismiss what you’re saying. But you’re writing off a kid and labeling them as a bad human and that seems kind of extreme to me.

Wow a whole lot of words to avoid saying a not nice kid is not nice. I don't mind telling my kid when someone is not being nice to them they aren't nice. I tell them to go find the nice and kind kids to play with. There are consequences to actions. My kid doesn't have to be a doormat and take it.