Friend has PTSD because of me

[Anonymous]

My DH recently got a bad diagnosis. A friend whose DH passed away after a long health battle finally reached out to check in on me after what felt like a long interval. I shared with her my anxieties and she commiserated. I then found out from a mutual friend that the conversation had made our other friend sad because she likely has PTSD after what she went through with her DH. Now I feel doubly shitty that my troubles have triggered my friend. Do I not discuss this with her? She's one of my closest pals.

[Anonymous]

Wait, your friend recently lost her husband and she finally reached out to you? Have you been there for her at all?

[Anonymous]

It is what it is. Your friend isn't mad at you. You had a need, and a right to vent, since she reached out and asked how you were. She did not complain to you, but unburdened herself to someone else.

This is how friendship works, OP.

PS: honestly, I wouldn't call all these things PTSD. Sharing the burden is what friends do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, your friend recently lost her husband and she finally reached out to you? Have you been there for her at all?

OP: You misunderstood. My friend lost her husband years ago and yes, I drove over there immediately when it happened. My DH got a bad diagnosis several months ago, which I informed my friend about. She only called to check on me this past week.

[Anonymous]

I think you are both making the best of bad situations. Do what you need to get through and give her the grace (not being upset that she isn't checking as much) to do what she needs to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, your friend recently lost her husband and she finally reached out to you? Have you been there for her at all?

OP: You misunderstood. My friend lost her husband years ago and yes, I drove over there immediately when it happened. My DH got a bad diagnosis several months ago, which I informed my friend about. She only called to check on me this past week.

You were not very clear. Not sure what the relevance is with her dead husband then.

[Anonymous]

Your friend does not have PTSD because of you. She has PTSD because of the trauma she went through with her husband. You may have brought some of her PTSD symptoms to the forefront for a time, but you didn't cause the PTSD. Or, since you say that her symptom is sadness, which would be a normal reaction to finding out someone you care about is sick, it may have just brought up her own feelings of grief.

I have the same kind of medical PTSD from my child's illness and death. If I was your friend, I would still want to be there for you. One of the ways I can remember my son and feel like his life had meaning is in using what I learned to help others, even if I feel sad in the process. But that's me, I would suggest you talk to your friend and say "I am sure that Larlo's news brought up some hard memories for you. Would you prefer I sought other support?" Another thing that helps is if people are thoughtful about when they talk to me about it. So, say "I'd love to get your wisdom on something, when can we talk?" so I can say "I'm about to drive the kids somewhere, can I call when I get home?" and not deal with an emotional tsunami right before carpool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, your friend recently lost her husband and she finally reached out to you? Have you been there for her at all?

OP: You misunderstood. My friend lost her husband years ago and yes, I drove over there immediately when it happened. My DH got a bad diagnosis several months ago, which I informed my friend about. She only called to check on me this past week.

You were not very clear. Not sure what the relevance is with her dead husband then.

Sorry for not being clearer. The relevance of her husband is that she went through a protracted battle with him as he fought for his life, and it's possible I will be facing the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, your friend recently lost her husband and she finally reached out to you? Have you been there for her at all?

OP: You misunderstood. My friend lost her husband years ago and yes, I drove over there immediately when it happened. My DH got a bad diagnosis several months ago, which I informed my friend about. She only called to check on me this past week.

You were not very clear. Not sure what the relevance is with her dead husband then.

Sorry for not being clearer. The relevance of her husband is that she went through a protracted battle with him as he fought for his life, and it's possible I will be facing the same.

You were crystal clear. PP is just having a fuzzy morning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, your friend recently lost her husband and she finally reached out to you? Have you been there for her at all?

OP: You misunderstood. My friend lost her husband years ago and yes, I drove over there immediately when it happened. My DH got a bad diagnosis several months ago, which I informed my friend about. She only called to check on me this past week.

You were not very clear. Not sure what the relevance is with her dead husband then.

Sorry for not being clearer. The relevance of her husband is that she went through a protracted battle with him as he fought for his life, and it's possible I will be facing the same.

You were crystal clear. PP is just having a fuzzy morning

Uh no because if it happened 8 years ago that's different than recently. Without the mention of lapsed time it comes across like she's been busy dealing with death and OP is like "tick tock when is she going to reach out?"

[Anonymous]

Not so much discussion! Just a sentence or two, of how you hadn't thought how it might affect her to discuss it and hope the two of you can have some happy conversation going forward.

[Anonymous]

Your friend in the middle sounds like the problem.

[Anonymous]

Your friend does not have PTSD because of you. She has PTSD because her husband died. Things like your convo happen in this life. Please don't accept responsibility for it. Just be there for her as a friend who is open to listening.

[Anonymous]

I have PTSD from obstetric trauma (violence) and hearing about other people's bad experiences helps me, I find reading positive internet reviews of my abusers triggering

It's weird to me your intermediate friend is reporting this to you, is she stirring up drama or is she advising you not to talk about triggering things with your PTSD friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, your friend recently lost her husband and she finally reached out to you? Have you been there for her at all?

OP: You misunderstood. My friend lost her husband years ago and yes, I drove over there immediately when it happened. My DH got a bad diagnosis several months ago, which I informed my friend about. She only called to check on me this past week.

You were not very clear. Not sure what the relevance is with her dead husband then.

Not OP, but clearly the friend’s history is what could have made the conversation triggering for her (and perhaps self protection is what prevented her from reaching out sooner).

She might dread having to watch you relive her experience (though hopefully, yours will go differently).

But you did nothing wrong.

Perhaps she can offer you support in ways that does not involving sharing details about your husband’s experiences . Feel her out. If you sense hesitation, then go to other friends to vent, and use her for distraction, to enjoy activities you shared before his diagnosis. You can be friends still, but may need to go to different people to meet different needs.