Would you divorce

[Anonymous]

Over the years DH had almost completely checked out of our marriage. We have kids 11,8, and 7. He no longer does anything one on one with me (date nights, sex, etc). He know longer comes with us when we travel out of town to see family and has decided to stay home the last 3 family vacation.

His only contributions are monetary (he earns very well, I also work), and he babysits the kids when I need to take care of things for work. He is extremely hands off with the kids and they’ve just grown to expect this.

Would you stay married? I have no idea if he’s having an affair. At this point I don’t think I’d even care because due to his checking out I no longer have romantic feelings for him. he says his intention is to remain married until death.

[Anonymous]

What do you think is going to happen if you get divorced? Do you think he will go on MORE family vacations with you?

Given the list of things you seem to be concerned about, divorce seems like it will only exacerbate them.

[Anonymous]

What are either of you getting out of this marriage?

What do you think life will be like if you divorce?

Those seem like important questions.

I would probably stay married but find a boyfriend, in your shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the years DH had almost completely checked out of our marriage. We have kids 11,8, and 7. He no longer does anything one on one with me (date nights, sex, etc). He know longer comes with us when we travel out of town to see family and has decided to stay home the last 3 family vacation.

His only contributions are monetary (he earns very well, I also work), and he babysits the kids when I need to take care of things for work. He is extremely hands off with the kids and they’ve just grown to expect this.

Would you stay married? I have no idea if he’s having an affair. At this point I don’t think I’d even care because due to his checking out I no longer have romantic feelings for him. he says his intention is to remain married until death.

As soon as I read this (bolded), the answer is NO. Unless of course you want to screw up your kids' lives over a problem so vague that you can't even identify it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Over the years DH had almost completely checked out of our marriage. We have kids 11,8, and 7. He no longer does anything one on one with me (date nights, sex, etc). He know longer comes with us when we travel out of town to see family and has decided to stay home the last 3 family vacation.

His only contributions are monetary (he earns very well, I also work), and he babysits the kids when I need to take care of things for work. He is extremely hands off with the kids and they’ve just grown to expect this.

Would you stay married? I have no idea if he’s having an affair. At this point I don’t think I’d even care because due to his checking out I no longer have romantic feelings for him. he says his intention is to remain married until death.

As soon as I read this (bolded), the answer is NO. Unless of course you want to screw up your kids' lives over a problem so vague that you can't even identify it.

Having a totally checked out spouse is not quite "a problem so vague that you can't even identify it."

[Anonymous]

OP here. The problem is not vague. The problem is that DH no longer participates in the marriage, and only extremely minimally in the family. This has been going on for several years and he refuses to try individual or couples therapy.

The kids and I experience increased economic stability because of the marriage. I just worry for the example that’s being set. DH literally doesn’t even say hello to us when he comes home. He just lives in his home office not interacting with anyone. He even sleeps in his office and doesn’t come down for dinner. I fear the kids internalize this and feel unwanted.

I earn a decent amount of money but our lives would take a serious financial hit with divorce. I would no way be able to afford our current home or neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Should also add when he does talk to me it’s typically to yell and argue, and he does this frequently in front of the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The problem is not vague. The problem is that DH no longer participates in the marriage, and only extremely minimally in the family. This has been going on for several years and he refuses to try individual or couples therapy.

The kids and I experience increased economic stability because of the marriage. I just worry for the example that’s being set. DH literally doesn’t even say hello to us when he comes home. He just lives in his home office not interacting with anyone. He even sleeps in his office and doesn’t come down for dinner. I fear the kids internalize this and feel unwanted.

I earn a decent amount of money but our lives would take a serious financial hit with divorce. I would no way be able to afford our current home or neighborhood.

This makes it sound like there's something else going on.

Alcoholism, drug addiction, porn addiction, serious depression.

That's not a checked out husband, that's someone who's got a serious problem with something. You should work on figuring that out because if it's not a case of he's just a boring inattentive person, divorce won't solve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Should also add when he does talk to me it’s typically to yell and argue, and he does this frequently in front of the kids.

I had this marriage. Only time I had his full attention was something involving sex. We argued constantly and when we weren’t arguing, he was working or working out. I ended up leaving.
My life is far more peaceful.
The only thing that bothers me is wondering if he will be more attentive to whomever he is dating.
I felt so rejected in the marriage, had a huge hit to my self esteem and wondered if he was just avoiding me.

[Anonymous]

Will he want 50/50 custody of the kids if you divorce?

[Anonymous]

Imagine your life when your kids are out of the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The problem is not vague. The problem is that DH no longer participates in the marriage, and only extremely minimally in the family. This has been going on for several years and he refuses to try individual or couples therapy.

The kids and I experience increased economic stability because of the marriage. I just worry for the example that’s being set. DH literally doesn’t even say hello to us when he comes home. He just lives in his home office not interacting with anyone. He even sleeps in his office and doesn’t come down for dinner. I fear the kids internalize this and feel unwanted.

I earn a decent amount of money but our lives would take a serious financial hit with divorce. I would no way be able to afford our current home or neighborhood.

This makes it sound like there's something else going on.

Alcoholism, drug addiction, porn addiction, serious depression.

That's not a checked out husband, that's someone who's got a serious problem with something. You should work on figuring that out because if it's not a case of he's just a boring inattentive person, divorce won't solve it.

I agree but how is she supposed to figure out what’s wrong with him if he doesn’t talk to her and refuses counseling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The problem is not vague. The problem is that DH no longer participates in the marriage, and only extremely minimally in the family. This has been going on for several years and he refuses to try individual or couples therapy.

The kids and I experience increased economic stability because of the marriage. I just worry for the example that’s being set. DH literally doesn’t even say hello to us when he comes home. He just lives in his home office not interacting with anyone. He even sleeps in his office and doesn’t come down for dinner. I fear the kids internalize this and feel unwanted.

I earn a decent amount of money but our lives would take a serious financial hit with divorce. I would no way be able to afford our current home or neighborhood.

This makes it sound like there's something else going on.

Alcoholism, drug addiction, porn addiction, serious depression.

That's not a checked out husband, that's someone who's got a serious problem with something. You should work on figuring that out because if it's not a case of he's just a boring inattentive person, divorce won't solve it.

I agree but how is she supposed to figure out what’s wrong with him if he doesn’t talk to her and refuses counseling?

Not sure, but divorce won't fix those things and it might help her feel better to know this is not about anything she's done wrong, or, really, possibly, something inherently bad about him. If he's suffering form severe depression or some addiction, he's not the man she married.

I have no advice on how to do it, but there has to be some sort of confrontation.

[Anonymous]

You should divorce him otherwise you will end up cheating on him. Do not listen to the crazy women here who will tell you to stay married and have sex on the side. These women are sick. They want the benefits of the marriage and at the same time take care of their needs.

Between I think he is depressed. When we men are depressed we checked out from everything and everyone.

[Anonymous]

Look yourself in the mirror. Are you sure you did nothing wrong that could have created this situation?
How was your marriage going before that?
Someone doesn’t just suddenly checks out of a marriage for no reasons.
There are always two sides to every story.

You both need to talk.