Never can say "I told you so"?? Really?

[Anonymous]

There have been two significant events that impact our DC’s life (ex, school choice) where my spouse argued vigorously against my views and ultimately relented and let me make the decision, albeit begrudgingly. After a year or so spouse is delighted with the decision. In another situation, I backed off and let spouse make the decision. 3 years later, someone else in spouses social circle makes the same recommendation that I made to spouse 3 years previously about a sports program DC is attending. When I remind my spouse that I had reached the same conclusion 3 years earlier and also made the same exact recommendation—doesn’t want to hear it. Claims not to remember. AND, too boot, DC has been lagging behind in developing skills in the particular sport.

I couldn’t keep quiet. What does spouse say, I shouldn’t be looking to blame someone. I was saying that we should question why DC’s current program wasn’t up to par and get an explanation. Nope, spouse just wants to deflect and get pissy with me. Why does spouse not take my recommendations seriously, belittle me for even having an opinion and then when the program is clearly deficient not want to take responsibility for THEIR decision?! It’s maddening. I can’t be playing around with DC’s future.

This has played out a handful of times, and when I’m tired of having to be the "understanding” spouse.

Is there another way than just always forcibly getting one’s way? I use logic and examples to make my points, but spouse just wants to be right and that’s it. I can be persuaded but I won’t be bullied.

[Anonymous]

My husband fought for years to not medicate our kid for his severe ADHD. It wasn't until DS was depressive and failing in 4th grade that he grudgingly accepted, after I put my foot down and threatened to just go do it myself without his consent. After meds, it was straight As until college. I never let my husband forget it.

I also spent every afternoon of elementary re-teaching the material - because DS wasn't medicated, and not listening in class. I don't let my husband forget that either.

Some grave mistakes, and some significant sacrifices and efforts, shouldn't be waved away to suit the vague feelings of guilt of a grown adult.

[Anonymous]

This is when you crush your husband by raising your voice and telling him everything you have on your mind, swear words included.

It won't be a nice I Told You So. No, it will something a little stronger, because the guy can't take his medicine.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your kid just sucks at the sport OP

[Anonymous]

You lost me at parents having a serious conversation about child’s skill at a sport.

Do you have other examples?

[Anonymous]

Do you possibly have other examples? Or could you repost in a way that makes more sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your kid just sucks at the sport OP

I think this is the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your kid just sucks at the sport OP

Yeah, I came here to say this using different words. But, yeah. Maybe let the kid try something else.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Bottom line: when I suggest something he fights it tooth and nail with no convincingly good reasons. It’s like an automatic response. Why? Why does it have to be this way? It really doesn’t. I’m trying so hard to be understanding but when you can clearly see the other person just wants to be "right" no matter what it’s difficult to be the bigger person.

[Anonymous]

Have you not heard of the male ego?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Bottom line: when I suggest something he fights it tooth and nail with no convincingly good reasons. It’s like an automatic response. Why? Why does it have to be this way? It really doesn’t. I’m trying so hard to be understanding but when you can clearly see the other person just wants to be "right" no matter what it’s difficult to be the bigger person.

How well do you know your spouse? If you have the skills and your ego can handle it, you can finesse your ideas so that your spouse thinks they are his ideas. I can't tell you how to do it, but I know it is possible. You don't don't always have to compromise, but you can learn to work within the system you both have in place. If both of your egos are too fragile, it won't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Bottom line: when I suggest something he fights it tooth and nail with no convincingly good reasons. It’s like an automatic response. Why? Why does it have to be this way? It really doesn’t. I’m trying so hard to be understanding but when you can clearly see the other person just wants to be "right" no matter what it’s difficult to be the bigger person.

My husband used to be like this often and I HATED it. Eventually I abandoned trying to discuss things in terms of logic. Decisions made by emotion are rarely changed with logic. This lead to my being more persuasive, but also it lead to him being more contrite when we had a discussion about how I felt dismissed and like my opinion was unimportant when he immediately dismissed so many of my ideas with a no. I told him that even if he wasn't trying to dismiss my feelings or that I shouldn't feel that way, I did feel that way, and he needed to stop doing it. I was basically just more of a b**** and stopped sacrificing my emotional well-being for his.

I suppose this means I was the bigger person in terms of making the effort to solve the issue instead of being reactionary or convincing myself it didn't matter. I always suppressed my impulse to say "I told you so" because I knew those words wouldn't be helpful. Those words often do hurt someone's feelings. But it was definitely freeing to believe that my feelings mattered and insist that he not dismiss them.

[Anonymous]

Different kid issues but same problem and not limited to kid stuff. DH just digs in his heels on certain things (he is extremely rigid) and will not consider my position even if mine is based on research and careful consideration and his is based on two seconds of knee jerk thinking.

It is frustrating because in order to be the demanding wife I just give into him sometimes and just have to live with the consequences of his bad and poorly thought out choices. He also sometimes holds us hostage to his choices about his own life so that we have to arrange our schedule and life around his career and personal choices that sometimes don't make sense.

I know I sound like I don't respect him at all. He also has good qualities I'm not getting into here. But biggest issue in our marriage is his rigidity around decision making and refusal to listen to me or EVER defer to me in situations where I truly do know more. I also think this situation got way worse after we had a kid because it's harder for me to just say "ok do it your way" and then I figure something else out for myself. Now our kid suffers the consequences too. It's hard

[Anonymous]

^ in order to NOT be the demanding wife I give into him sometimes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You lost me at parents having a serious conversation about child’s skill at a sport.

Do you have other examples?

And saying she can't "play around with their future" in said sport.