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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’d really like to understand why people forgive others? Is it for the benefit of the person doing the forgiving or the person being forgiven? There are three people in my life who have hurt me badly in the past through their actions and I really don’t see any purpose in me forgiving them. I don’t think it will benefit me and I don’t see why if they’ve hurt me so badly, I should give them the benefit of forgiveness. Instead, I’ve cut them out of my life and moved on so that I’m not hurt further.

I’ll provide some more context and would be curious what others would do in my situation.

I stopped having a relationship with my father at 12. He was an alcoholic and was violent toward my mom and others. They divorced when I was very young and my brother and I saw him every other weekend. When I was 12, I decided I didn’t want to see him any longer. He scared me when he was drinking. Our relationship essentially ended and he passed away a few years ago. He made a few overtures over the years but nothing in probably the past 20 years. He never apologized for things that happened when I was a child.

My first husband was also an alcoholic and is now in recovery. He was abusive toward me. He did the 12 step thing where you ask for forgiveness from people you wronged. I asked for one thing from him (some compensation for all the debt he left me when we divorced) and he refused to do that even though he had the means. I told him I never wanted to hear from him again.

Finally my brother has been very hurtful toward me, in part I suspect from untreated mental illness. Of the three, this one is the hardest for me. I’ve asked him not to say or do hurtful things, but he has continued to do so. He hasn’t apologized either. With him, at this point in my life, I don’t want more drama. I’ve got an awesome family now and I don’t want to subject them to my brother’s craziness so I have very little contact now. But it does make me sad since he is my only sibling and my mom is sad we don’t have more of a relationship.

In all instances, I was not the aggressor and was the person harmed by people who should have loved me and protected me. I don’t have any desire to forgive them. I don’t dwell on them. I’ve moved on. My priority is protecting myself from further pain by not putting myself in a position to be hurt again. So, as I said at the top, what value do you see in forgiveness in situations like this? I am not religious so don’t feel any motivation to forgive because it’s “the Christian thing to do” but am curious about others’ perspectives. [/quote]

Even in a religious sense, forgiveness doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with someone.  [/quote]

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