What to do with an out-of-control teen

[Anonymous]

DS has ADHD, Tourette’s, pragmatic speech disorder, OCD, and ODD. He was doing pretty well prior to high school. After he entered high school and went through puberty, he became a completely different person.

He used to study hard and care about his grades. We never needed to worry about his academic performance when he was in middle school. Now, he has absolutely zero motivation and often chooses to skip his homework. He complains that he’s not getting paid for doing his homework and lies all the time. He often pretends to be working on school assignments but actually is web surfing. When confronted, he resorts to unreasonable arguments such as why his parents and teachers do not need to study or prepare for exams.

He stopped doing physical activities, playing with his pet, reading books, etc. All these he used to enjoy. Now, he only wants to watch online videos or talking to people online.

He used to be a gentle person. Now he is very argumentative and even aggressive. He tells his father to shut up, insults his brother for no reason, and destroyed multiple properties at home, including his school issued laptop, one iPad, two dry walls. He also started becoming violent toward me. He’s much taller and heavier than me. Today when I asked him to put doctor prescribed acne medication on his face, he kicked me in my stomach. This was the second incident recently. He kicked me when I asked him to do his homework two weeks ago.

My whole family is stressed out by him. His younger brother, who is neurotypical, is often verbally attacked by him and almost never speaks to him.

DS is seeing a psychologist on a weekly basis. He’s also in the long waitlist for evaluation and treatment with KKI and Children’s National. What can we do with a teen like this at home, especially when he becomes violent and out of control? I don’t necessarily want to call the police because they may not be well trained to deal with people with special need. Are there places that admit teens in crisis with short notices? What if he refuses to go? He told us if we dare send him anywhere for treatment, he’ll just run away then come back later.

[Anonymous]

His psychologist is in the best position to advise you. He might need to consult with a psychiatrist, switch schools, get more intensive treatment. You might need to do something different in terms of how you respond/parent.

I would suggest getting an emergency parent-only session with the psychologist and discussing your concerns and choices.

[Anonymous]

I hope you've already asked your psychologist all of these questions?

When our teen had some of these behaviors, a psychiatrist prescribed Abilify. It's a serious medication with side effects. Many people use it short term, just to stabilize things before other treatments can kick in.

[Anonymous]

BTDT. If you can get him to an ER they might admit him. But since he’s refusing, your only real option is calling the police. They will remove him in handcuffs. They will either take him to the closest ER or juvenile detention depending on his behavior.

As for available treatment, there isn’t much. The most comes through the juvenile justice system. You might be able to find a residential treatment to take him but violence is usually a nonstarter. And most require private pay at about $600+ per day.

I am very concerned for you. The level of violence he is exhibiting, especially towards you, is really serious. If it escalates you could get seriously hurt or even killed. Be sure to have an escape plan.

[Anonymous]

If you live in Montgomery County, call the crisis center:
https://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/HHS-Program/Program.aspx?id=BHCS/BHCS24hrcrisiscenter-p204.html

[Anonymous]

It sounds really hard, OP.

I will say that I don’t make my teen do homework or use his acne medication. When he doesn’t do those things he fails his tests and has horrible breakouts. But it’s not my education or my skin, so I let him sabotage himself and hopefully learn.

I save the “make him do” for safety (I take car keys away if he uses phone while driving) or courtesy to others (if he acts like a jerk I don’t do things for him like buy his special snacks or whatever.

Backing off on the asks may bring some immediate safety and it sounds like that is needed. Thinking of you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Let the acne go. It's fine if he has acne. You need less to fight about.

[Anonymous]

Can you get the teachers to give him homework on paper rather than on a device? My parents did that with my brother. They also used a non-wifi device, they would physically connect it to the Internet when it was time to turn in homework.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like depression manifesting as aggression. The loss of enjoyment of usual favorite activities is a tipoff.

[Anonymous]

YOu don't say a word about drugs but that's what worked for us. Therapy takes too long and cannot override all the hormones. Get some medication..

[Anonymous]

Medication, parent therapy and residential treatment helped us through this. It’s so tough and few providers are experienced with what is available for higher levels of care.

Until you get better treatment in place, I would drop all demands except no physical assault for now and make a plan for what happens when that rule is broken. (Police, ER, crisis - your therapist can help you determine a plan.) Specifically define what behavior is included in this (all touching, following you around the house, throwing things at you, whatever you decide), let him know the rule and the consequences and then follow through every single time he breaks the rule. It’s risky to call the police, but it’s risky to let this continue as well.

This is hard, OP. I’m sorry you are going through it.

[Anonymous]

OP- I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. It is so heartbreaking. We have been in a very similar situation. I want you to know and hear you are not alone. Keep your head up and continue to use this sight as a way to not feel alone. Sending you hugs and positive thoughts.

[Anonymous]

How did DS kick you in the stomach? Were you both standing facing each other?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. No advice or words.

My instinct would be to let him flop and protect yourself and your other kid. Tell him he's out on his own at 18. Violence is not an option in our house. Then again, as I said, this isn't advice, just my instinct.

[Anonymous]

He needs a psychiatrist. Is he violent at school?