Relationship with therapist: did I abuse him or did he abuse me?

[Anonymous]

I saw a therapist from 2005 - 2009. We were in a Bible study together and were also acquaintances.

I was allowed to email and call him as much as I wanted, though he didn’t always answer calls. I called a lot.

He said that he was my spiritual father figure and that he would disciple me through life decisions and in my spiritual growth. He often told me that he loved me, but I always worried that he was mad at me.

He lived an hour away from me, so sometimes when I was in his town, I spent the night with his family.

I didn’t get far in therapy. My therapist said it was because I wasn’t willing to give up control.

Of course, 2009 was a long time ago. I’ve now moved to DC and have a new therapist. I haven’t ever called this new therapist, but he does allow emails twice a week, so I send him notes.

I recently sent my new therapist some old emails from my old therapist. I never noticed how much my old therapist said he loved me and how much he tried to guide me, though a lot of it was in a spiritual warfare context, which I didn’t agree with.

I sent a note to my old therapist apologizing for calling him so much and treating him abusively…but now I’m thinking that my old therapist was possibly abusive to me by not having boundaries.

I’m worried my new therapist will think less of me for having such a close relationship with my previous therapist.

I think, though, that I do better with clear boundaries. I am learning and growing so much now. Something is working correctly now.

[Anonymous]

Ay. You were not abusive. There was a natural power balance in that relationship, and you were vulnerable; it was up to your therapist to set and maintain appropriate boundaries, which he did not. And that’s why there was no benefit. A therapist should not “have control.”

I don’t think he was abusive, from what you described but he was a terrible, unskilled therapist who lacked insight. You both had issues and there was a little bit of the blind leading the blind but I don’t know that it was intentional, or abuse - just baggage.

[Anonymous]

Power INBALANCE ^^

[Anonymous]

First, he isn't a therapist, he was a religious groomer. Yes he likely abused you and probably many other people in his church.

[Anonymous]

He should never have been your therapist if you knew him in other contexts. It was his job to maintain professional boundaries which he absolutely did not do. This was his responsibility, not yours. I would not contact him further. He is unethical.

[Anonymous]

How is this abuse ?
He didn’t have sexual relations with you and probably cared about you.
The only thing is the religion seems off but you were part of the church.

[Anonymous]

This doesn’t sound like an actual therapist.

[Anonymous]

Are you talking about the cult again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This doesn’t sound like an actual therapist.

This. Was this person actually licensed beyond your religion?

[Anonymous]

Troll.

[Anonymous]

You already posted about this in off topic. Go away.

[Anonymous]

Whether or not you define it as abuse, this is unethical.

Your therapist, or any other clinical professional you've hired to perform a health/medical service, should have the highest of professional standards while doing that job, and zero other interaction in your life. Responsible therapists won't even acknowledge you if they see you out in public, unless you greet them first, and then it's a simple "hello" and nothing more.

This reeks of grooming and control issues that are quite likely abusive. Anyone in a power over dynamic using shame to manipulate is abusing their position, and possibly abusing you, depending on the context and outcome.

Distance yourself completely from this person. Tell a new therapist not only what happened, but about your shame and concern about it. Shame doesn't mean you did something wrong; it often means something wrong was done to you by someone who tried to blame it on you instead of taking responsibility for their own actions.

I'm sorry this happened to you, OP. I hope you heal!

[Anonymous]

He was trying to groom you, it sounds unsuccessfully, which is why he criticized you for refusing to give up control.

Grooming may not be abuse, but it's intent is to set up the situation so that abuse can later be safely perpetrated (safely to the abuser -- grooming keeps you from reporting the abuse).

You definitely need to talk about this with your current therapist. He should have clear therapy boundaries about how often you contact him -- frankly, only in emergencies. If you have "notes" you wish to discuss in therapy, you should be creating a document that you can put your notes or agenda items on - and there should be a reasonable page limit (like 1/2 - 1 page), short enough so that your therapist can review it prior to your meeting in 5-10 minutes. You should be able to share it with him in a way that doesn't require discussion or feedback outside of meetings.

[Anonymous]

I don't know whether this is real or not, but this person posts frequently about different variations on this theme. Last time she was going to the wedding of someone from the cult. Steve, Elizabeth, and someone else. Just FYI if you're planning to wade in and give advice.

[Anonymous]

More abuse in the name of the Church. When will it ever end?