How did you get through divorce?

[Anonymous]

I posted a couple of weeks ago - about husband who starts yelling the moment I raise the issue of the state of family finances.

I am ready to divorce as this toxic environment is no longer bearable.

How did you guys get through this period when you have to pack, find new place, find mediator, find new school, forget the decade together which has good times, get through your SN kid’s homework, maintain declining health, keep your job and keep smiling at work? I’m not going to get therapy - not my thing.

[Anonymous]

If you’re not open to therapy you’re going to have a harder time than others who do seek help. I guess you can call on friends or family to help you with practical and emotional things. Also just take things one day at a time.

[Anonymous]

Follow divorce coaches on instagram, wine, friends, exercise, self care rituals, cried a lot.

[Anonymous]

So you’re going to throw away a decade+ of marriage and go through hell, because you don’t like therapy?!?
Try therapy first. At the very least, it may then make the divorce process less painful and contentious if he isn’t willing to change/stop yelling.
Or who knows, you may save your marriage and bring back the love. Stress wreaks havoc on marriages. Sadly I’m going through one now

[Anonymous]

Like in the song - “it just feels wrong.”

There was another post here about people who change 180 after marriage. Well, it applies to us — he kind of just stopped seeing me while he was deeply in love before. And I just became more like a mom — child is my priority, not going out and enjoying the night.

My looks are fine - so that’s not a factor.

Our life is tough - we do struggle with SN child but husband seems to loose it more than I do. Just more worn out from having family responsibilities than me.
I catch myself that I’m more mature sometimes in thought process and I have to teach him things (parenting or health tips or household management stuff) while he is five years older.

[Anonymous]

Hi I'm a professional divorce doula and have availability to help you through your time of need, whatever those needs may be.

[Anonymous]

I just don’t know how we changed 180 and love went away. Now I can’t stand him.

[Anonymous]

I post a lot here... when DH was seriously threatened with divorce, he did a 180... in the right direction. Therapy was a big part of that. Avoid therapy because it "isn't your thing" at your own peril. Our lives are wonderful now, because we did therapy even though it isn't our "thing."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you’re going to throw away a decade+ of marriage and go through hell, because you don’t like therapy?!?
Try therapy first. At the very least, it may then make the divorce process less painful and contentious if he isn’t willing to change/stop yelling.
Or who knows, you may save your marriage and bring back the love. Stress wreaks havoc on marriages. Sadly I’m going through one now

Right - I did not even start anything and it already feels like hell. We had bumpy times in the past and then made up. I could never go through it. Now I want to be strong and get through it. He keeps yelling and I’m physically sick of it. It hurts more somehow now that you are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I post a lot here... when DH was seriously threatened with divorce, he did a 180... in the right direction. Therapy was a big part of that. Avoid therapy because it "isn't your thing" at your own peril. Our lives are wonderful now, because we did therapy even though it isn't our "thing."

We tried in the past… one long session. It was traumatizing for me and I did not want to go back because I had relive everything I was sharing and my soul crushed. Then as usual I forgive and move on and make up b/c you have a child together and there was love even as in the past so some caring and joint memories…. I’m always the one who has to forgive…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi I'm a professional divorce doula and have availability to help you through your time of need, whatever those needs may be.

I did not know there was this profession actually. Learning something very day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Follow divorce coaches on instagram, wine, friends, exercise, self care rituals, cried a lot.

Then you still end up with your thoughts feeling just wrong. I keep telling - everything will be okay. I don’t know when will I actually believe it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you’re going to throw away a decade+ of marriage and go through hell, because you don’t like therapy?!?
Try therapy first. At the very least, it may then make the divorce process less painful and contentious if he isn’t willing to change/stop yelling.
Or who knows, you may save your marriage and bring back the love. Stress wreaks havoc on marriages. Sadly I’m going through one now

Right - I did not even start anything and it already feels like hell. We had bumpy times in the past and then made up. I could never go through it. Now I want to be strong and get through it. He keeps yelling and I’m physically sick of it. It hurts more somehow now that you are older.

21:19 here. Of COURSE it hurts more when you are older. You think to yourself "Damn, I am X years old and this bozo is going to be yelling at me and making my life miserable for HOW MANY more years?" So one day you pack up, you tell your friends and family that's it guys, I'm out, and THEN he starts thinking that "oh maybe I haven't been a good husband." That's how some men (people?) are. Stupid and inconsiderate. But maybe you can forgive them for the sake of your kids, your finances, your social status, your vows, whatever happens to matter to you and keep you with this person. I still love my husband so it is not so bad but he was mean and he was stupid and he almost destroyed our marriage because he was grumpy or having a midlife crisis or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I post a lot here... when DH was seriously threatened with divorce, he did a 180... in the right direction. Therapy was a big part of that. Avoid therapy because it "isn't your thing" at your own peril. Our lives are wonderful now, because we did therapy even though it isn't our "thing."

We tried in the past… one long session. It was traumatizing for me and I did not want to go back because I had relive everything I was sharing and my soul crushed. Then as usual I forgive and move on and make up b/c you have a child together and there was love even as in the past so some caring and joint memories…. I’m always the one who has to forgive…

Sorry, one miserable therapy session is not going to resolve your issues (I've had MANY miserable and traumatic therapy sessions so I speak from experience). You didn't get to the point where your marriage was in shambles in one hour, what makes you think one hour with a professional is going to somehow make you feel better? You're not supposed to feel better, you're supposed to figure out how both of you screwed up your marriage and fix it. Then you'll feel better.

Or, you can just be the victim forever end up a divorced single mom. If that's what you want, go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you’re going to throw away a decade+ of marriage and go through hell, because you don’t like therapy?!?
Try therapy first. At the very least, it may then make the divorce process less painful and contentious if he isn’t willing to change/stop yelling.
Or who knows, you may save your marriage and bring back the love. Stress wreaks havoc on marriages. Sadly I’m going through one now

Right - I did not even start anything and it already feels like hell. We had bumpy times in the past and then made up. I could never go through it. Now I want to be strong and get through it. He keeps yelling and I’m physically sick of it. It hurts more somehow now that you are older.

21:19 here. Of COURSE it hurts more when you are older. You think to yourself "Damn, I am X years old and this bozo is going to be yelling at me and making my life miserable for HOW MANY more years?" So one day you pack up, you tell your friends and family that's it guys, I'm out, and THEN he starts thinking that "oh maybe I haven't been a good husband." That's how some men (people?) are. Stupid and inconsiderate. But maybe you can forgive them for the sake of your kids, your finances, your social status, your vows, whatever happens to matter to you and keep you with this person. I still love my husband so it is not so bad but he was mean and he was stupid and he almost destroyed our marriage because he was grumpy or having a midlife crisis or whatever.

Thanks for your post. I am sorry you went through mean phase too. I’m tired of forgiving. It’s sad — one day it just kills your spirit completely. Yes, I can go and run half marathon - it won’t help. This feels like a long term trauma. And I don’t know the way out yet. I know what it is - why it feels wrong.
Because you know you want out and you are scared at the same time. I’m scared of the unknown. Before - I would be embracing it. And now it’s sort of in the way - immobilizing of sorts.

I will come back here tomorrow.

Agreed - one day at a time. Maybe even portion of a day at a time.