Apologizing to Boss

[Anonymous]

Is apologizing to your boss a good idea? I didn’t like how I expressed myself in a meeting, where it likely came off as if I were challenging my boss in front of the team. I want to tell him I’m sorry for the way in which I said what I said. That I could’ve approached it differently. I’m female and about the same age as him.

I’m reluctant only because I don’t know if by apologizing I’d be making it worse somehow. Like adding insult to injury type of thing.

[Anonymous]

A man wouldn't apologize.

[Anonymous]

I think it makes good sense and if he's decent, it would make him respect you more rather than less. It's too bad that women have to factor all this in.

Instead of apologizing, why not frame it more as you did here--

Hey, I realize I may have come across as challenging you and I absolutely did not mean it to come across that way, especially in front of the team. Let's have a 5 minute catchup before xyz to make sure we're on the same page and I can show support, or question in an appropriate and constructive way? Sound good?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it makes good sense and if he's decent, it would make him respect you more rather than less. It's too bad that women have to factor all this in.

Instead of apologizing, why not frame it more as you did here--

Hey, I realize I may have come across as challenging you and I absolutely did not mean it to come across that way, especially in front of the team. Let's have a 5 minute catchup before xyz to make sure we're on the same page and I can show support, or question in an appropriate and constructive way? Sound good?

+1

[Anonymous]

Be honest, you want to rub his nose in it a bit. Let him know it was intentional, and that you won’t hesitate to do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be honest, you want to rub his nose in it a bit. Let him know it was intentional, and that you won’t hesitate to do it again.

Huh? You’ve got to be joking. It’s people like this that make me hesitate to do the right thing in situations because twisted minds will always put a negative spin on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it makes good sense and if he's decent, it would make him respect you more rather than less. It's too bad that women have to factor all this in.

Instead of apologizing, why not frame it more as you did here--

Hey, I realize I may have come across as challenging you and I absolutely did not mean it to come across that way, especially in front of the team. Let's have a 5 minute catchup before xyz to make sure we're on the same page and I can show support, or question in an appropriate and constructive way? Sound good?

I think it's good to clarify about your intentions and show that you can be reflective on your own actions.

I do not like the wording of this above message though. The second half sounds like you're giving your boss directions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it makes good sense and if he's decent, it would make him respect you more rather than less. It's too bad that women have to factor all this in.

Instead of apologizing, why not frame it more as you did here--

Hey, I realize I may have come across as challenging you and I absolutely did not mean it to come across that way, especially in front of the team. Let's have a 5 minute catchup before xyz to make sure we're on the same page and I can show support, or question in an appropriate and constructive way? Sound good?

Don't add injury to insult by wasting boss's team in a mini struggle session.
Don't ask questions that pressure the other person to affirm their acceptance. That's pushy.
Tell, don't ask.

Send a quick note like "Hi Bossy Boss,
I noticed that things got little heated in the meeting yesterday.
I apologize that in the moment I wasn't able to express myself with the calm and clarity that I intend.
I appreciate your feedback on my ideas about X (Be specific about something they said that you agree with.). I've added Y into my plan to blah blah. Let me know how I can help with Z."

Acknowledge what happened, but don't dwell on it. Focus on moving forward as a team, not ruminating on the past.

Send a similar note to any other individual you might have been rude or harsh to.
Adjust to fit the scenario.

I've had a lot of tense conversations with coworkers when someone is doing something wrong. Everyone is happier and friendlier after you express support for their goals and offer your assistance. A tiny bit of productive labor to help them wins them back to your team.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and if you insulted or "attacked" your boss in front of peers, tell each of those peers individually that you misspoke, and rephrase your criticism of the thing and add in an expression of support for your boss's goals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it makes good sense and if he's decent, it would make him respect you more rather than less. It's too bad that women have to factor all this in.

Instead of apologizing, why not frame it more as you did here--

Hey, I realize I may have come across as challenging you and I absolutely did not mean it to come across that way, especially in front of the team. Let's have a 5 minute catchup before xyz to make sure we're on the same page and I can show support, or question in an appropriate and constructive way? Sound good?

I think it's good to clarify about your intentions and show that you can be reflective on your own actions.

I do not like the wording of this above message though. The second half sounds like you're giving your boss directions.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be honest, you want to rub his nose in it a bit. Let him know it was intentional, and that you won’t hesitate to do it again.

Huh? You’ve got to be joking. It’s people like this that make me hesitate to do the right thing in situations because twisted minds will always put a negative spin on it.

People like that PP are sad losers who use the anonymous Internet to feel like a pretend macho. Ignore them, or mock them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it makes good sense and if he's decent, it would make him respect you more rather than less. It's too bad that women have to factor all this in.

Instead of apologizing, why not frame it more as you did here--

Hey, I realize I may have come across as challenging you and I absolutely did not mean it to come across that way, especially in front of the team. Let's have a 5 minute catchup before xyz to make sure we're on the same page and I can show support, or question in an appropriate and constructive way? Sound good?

This is good. Lets him know that you want to avoid this in the future, and the steps he can take to avoid it.

I think we’ve all had career peers get positions for which they weren’t qualified based solely on their gender, but that doesn’t mean we have to take it.

[Anonymous]

"Hey, Boss. I've been reflecting on the conversation from yesterday's meeting and I realize that I may have sounded a little intense, which was not my intent. Just wanted to let you know that I recognize this and will be more mindful going forward. Happy to discuss, if you like."

It's not an apology. It's not me telling my boss what to do. It's a mature reflection on how I handled something and recognition it was not my best work. Don't dwell on it....just move on afterward.

[Anonymous]

I think only if you did it right away, later the same day. If more time has passed than that, no. No because it's just an ugly reminder.

[Anonymous]

Were you even rude at all? He probably did not notice.