Apologizing to Boss

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Hey, Boss. I've been reflecting on the conversation from yesterday's meeting and I realize that I may have sounded a little intense, which was not my intent. Just wanted to let you know that I recognize this and will be more mindful going forward. Happy to discuss, if you like."

It's not an apology. It's not me telling my boss what to do. It's a mature reflection on how I handled something and recognition it was not my best work. Don't dwell on it....just move on afterward.

None of the earlier talk tracks. This one is correct.

[Anonymous]

Some of these responses seem well intentioned but are worded in the most cringe inducing level of office speak imaginable. If anything I'd be more irritated to have to suffer through that kind of speech. If your boss is confident in their leadership they're not going to be bothered by a one off awkward meeting moment unless you're making a pattern of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of these responses seem well intentioned but are worded in the most cringe inducing level of office speak imaginable. If anything I'd be more irritated to have to suffer through that kind of speech. If your boss is confident in their leadership they're not going to be bothered by a one off awkward meeting moment unless you're making a pattern of it.

This. I used to want to make up for instances like this. And then I realized that men don’t overthink this kind of stuff and wouldn’t apologize like a PP said. I *really* am not trying to make generalizations based on gender, but having worked in a male-dominated industry for a long time it’s just something I have observed. He probably doesn’t even think anything of it.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the above lengthy reflective messages.

A confident boss would not be bothered if this is a one-off.

ONLY IF your boss is the sensitive/reflective type, you might say, in passing, "by the way, in the X meeting, I should have shown more support and brought X/Y/Z concerns to you offline. I will be mindful of that going forward." AND STOP talking about that.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read any of the responses but I have a dr who challenges me in front of my team constantly and I wish they would apologize bc it would take the onus off me to give them this feedback

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A man wouldn't apologize.

This is correct. I am a woman, and I notice that women often apologize or say "sorry" for any number of things, including debating someone in a meeting or having a draft document that requires revision.

Men do what they think is needed, and they almost never apologize. That is not to say that they are rude. Rather, they do what they understand as logical at any given time and then proceed to the next logical step in their minds.

My advice is to be cordial and professional in your next interaction, and you will get the same professional response. It will be understood that you want to move on from any conflict.

[Anonymous]

I’d say something like, “I’m working on communicating in a way that is more collaborative and less confrontational, as that was not my intent.”

I have an employee who doesn’t realize he’s doing this stuff, or if he does, doesn’t care. I’d appreciate a modicum of self awareness, without overkill. Just so I knew that he wasn’t just a prick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A man wouldn't apologize.

+1

Men see this type of apology as a weakness. More negative consequences come from the apology than whatever you said. If he brings it up say 'sorry, it will never happen again' and leave it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it makes good sense and if he's decent, it would make him respect you more rather than less. It's too bad that women have to factor all this in.

Instead of apologizing, why not frame it more as you did here--

Hey, I realize I may have come across as challenging you and I absolutely did not mean it to come across that way, especially in front of the team. Let's have a 5 minute catchup before xyz to make sure we're on the same page and I can show support, or question in an appropriate and constructive way? Sound good?

Omg, this is why women get paid less. Why are you wasting brain power on this crap. He probably didn't notice or care if he did notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it makes good sense and if he's decent, it would make him respect you more rather than less. It's too bad that women have to factor all this in.

Instead of apologizing, why not frame it more as you did here--

Hey, I realize I may have come across as challenging you and I absolutely did not mean it to come across that way, especially in front of the team. Let's have a 5 minute catchup before xyz to make sure we're on the same page and I can show support, or question in an appropriate and constructive way? Sound good?

I think it's good to clarify about your intentions and show that you can be reflective on your own actions.

I do not like the wording of this above message though. The second half sounds like you're giving your boss directions.

Nah, men don't communicate this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read any of the responses but I have a dr who challenges me in front of my team constantly and I wish they would apologize bc it would take the onus off me to give them this feedback

You're a woman.

Men communicate differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d say something like, “I’m working on communicating in a way that is more collaborative and less confrontational, as that was not my intent.”

I have an employee who doesn’t realize he’s doing this stuff, or if he does, doesn’t care. I’d appreciate a modicum of self awareness, without overkill. Just so I knew that he wasn’t just a prick.

I also agree that men need to communicate effectively to female bosses, just as women do to male bosses. They have different communication styles. It's not a one size fits all shoe.