Every marry someone and realize they are completely different than who you thought they were?

[Anonymous]

I’m flummoxed as to how this even happened!!! I swear we had all the right conversations. My husband is 180 degrees different than who I thought I married. We have nothing in common and share 0 goals!

How did it happen??

[Anonymous]

When you were dating, what did you have in common and what were your goals? How has he changed from them?

[Anonymous]

This happens to a degree to everyone. First, you see all the things you have in common (real or imagined). Later when issues come up, the differences loom large and you wish they could be different. The key is to appreciate and accept the differences. They are typically two sides of the same coin. You make like how your extroverted partner draws you out, but later you wish they didn't want to go out so often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happens to a degree to everyone. First, you see all the things you have in common (real or imagined). Later when issues come up, the differences loom large and you wish they could be different. The key is to appreciate and accept the differences. They are typically two sides of the same coin. You make like how your extroverted partner draws you out, but later you wish they didn't want to go out so often.

Sooo true!!!

I loved how much fun DH is. Then I realized I do not want to have “fun” during ALL my free time.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I stayed for a miserable decade and then divorced. People sometimes lie to get what they want. Then true colors come out.

[Anonymous]

How long did you know each other before you married.. A lot of times people have conversations, but just tell the other what they want to hear or we only hear what we want to hear early on.

Also, sometimes things and circumstances change. For example my 25-year-old self wanted 6 kids now I'm good with one. 25-year-old me fully believed she wanted 6 kids and said so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happens to a degree to everyone. First, you see all the things you have in common (real or imagined). Later when issues come up, the differences loom large and you wish they could be different. The key is to appreciate and accept the differences. They are typically two sides of the same coin. You make like how your extroverted partner draws you out, but later you wish they didn't want to go out so often.

Sooo true!!!

I loved how much fun DH is. Then I realized I do not want to have “fun” during ALL my free time.

Yes!! Loves how laid back and chill/go with the flow DH was while we were dating. But now his inability to make any decision drives me bonkers.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been married, OP?

[Anonymous]

A few possibilities:

1) He lied
2) He doesn't know himself
3) You didn't see/hear things you didn't want to
4) Some combination of the above

[Anonymous]

This happened to me. DH traveled a ton for work and we had met during the intensely structured time while we were earning our professional degrees, so that provided some cover for what was actually going on. In hindsight there were signs here and there that made sense in the context of his lifestyle so I dismissed them. We also didn't spend a ton of time with his extended family while dating but that also seemed normal during that phase of our life.

Anyway, after we married DH became almost immediately different and once we had our child he was completely different than the person he had presented to me. I actually begged him to go to a neurologist because I thought he had a brain tumor or early dementia.

It turns out that he had previously undiagnosed ADHD and high-functioning autism. The coping mechanisms and adaptations he had relied on fell apart once he had the responsibility and challenges of a new baby. It was so ugly. He threw terrible tantrums over really basic things and would go into shutdowns for days. The unpredictability of being in a relationship and parenting made him even more rigid and angry.

I slowly pieced together a lot of stuff in his family that included mental illness (not saying this is related to autism or ADHD, but mentioning it because it was bananas that he never noticed or mentioned the very obvious and diagnosed illnesses- and hospitalizations!- in his family?!) and a lot of autism, including lower-functioning autistic cousins living in basements and never coming to family functions. It's unclear if his family actually realizes what's going on- they are from a culture that pretends mental illness isn't real and I've heard the parent of one of the cousins with more severe autism speak derisively of an acquaintance who she thinks might "be Aspergers".

We stopped at one child and I've considered divorce a million times but won't go through with it because I would not want our child to deal with 50/50 custody and being under the sole care of DH.

It is really isolating and lonely because people are supportive of parents of children with ADHD or autism, but the few friends I have shared my situation with pulled away and have been visibly uncomfortable with the idea of an adult they know struggling with the impact of neurodiversity (even when it explains a lot about that person). I do a lot of covering for my DH now that our child is old enough to have friends and be social, because I can see that how important it is to have "normal" parents who participate in a neighborhood or school community.

At one point I confronted DH with why he would change so much after we married and not show me his real self while we were dating. He said that he always knew he was different and he knew he had to pretend to get friends and get into college and grad school and get the job he wanted. He said that when he was with me he felt like he could be himself for the first time in his entire life.

Great for him, a hellscape for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me. DH traveled a ton for work and we had met during the intensely structured time while we were earning our professional degrees, so that provided some cover for what was actually going on. In hindsight there were signs here and there that made sense in the context of his lifestyle so I dismissed them. We also didn't spend a ton of time with his extended family while dating but that also seemed normal during that phase of our life.

Anyway, after we married DH became almost immediately different and once we had our child he was completely different than the person he had presented to me. I actually begged him to go to a neurologist because I thought he had a brain tumor or early dementia.

It turns out that he had previously undiagnosed ADHD and high-functioning autism. The coping mechanisms and adaptations he had relied on fell apart once he had the responsibility and challenges of a new baby. It was so ugly. He threw terrible tantrums over really basic things and would go into shutdowns for days. The unpredictability of being in a relationship and parenting made him even more rigid and angry.

I slowly pieced together a lot of stuff in his family that included mental illness (not saying this is related to autism or ADHD, but mentioning it because it was bananas that he never noticed or mentioned the very obvious and diagnosed illnesses- and hospitalizations!- in his family?!) and a lot of autism, including lower-functioning autistic cousins living in basements and never coming to family functions. It's unclear if his family actually realizes what's going on- they are from a culture that pretends mental illness isn't real and I've heard the parent of one of the cousins with more severe autism speak derisively of an acquaintance who she thinks might "be Aspergers".

We stopped at one child and I've considered divorce a million times but won't go through with it because I would not want our child to deal with 50/50 custody and being under the sole care of DH.

It is really isolating and lonely because people are supportive of parents of children with ADHD or autism, but the few friends I have shared my situation with pulled away and have been visibly uncomfortable with the idea of an adult they know struggling with the impact of neurodiversity (even when it explains a lot about that person). I do a lot of covering for my DH now that our child is old enough to have friends and be social, because I can see that how important it is to have "normal" parents who participate in a neighborhood or school community.

At one point I confronted DH with why he would change so much after we married and not show me his real self while we were dating. He said that he always knew he was different and he knew he had to pretend to get friends and get into college and grad school and get the job he wanted. He said that when he was with me he felt like he could be himself for the first time in his entire life.

Great for him, a hellscape for me.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Keep building that village!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m flummoxed as to how this even happened!!! I swear we had all the right conversations. My husband is 180 degrees different than who I thought I married. We have nothing in common and share 0 goals!

How did it happen??

Instead of character, temperament and abilities, people focus on looks, money and fun qualities. Later they complain about addiction, emotional immaturity, communication gap, failure to launch, cheating etc etc.

[Anonymous]

How old were you when you married him? I am asking because sometimes when women wait until their 30s they become desperate because they are prioritizing marriage and children and in the process don’t always pay attention to the deep character flaws of their future husbands….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m flummoxed as to how this even happened!!! I swear we had all the right conversations. My husband is 180 degrees different than who I thought I married. We have nothing in common and share 0 goals!

How did it happen??

Probably because you saw only what you wanted to see. Most people show you their red flags within a few hours, a week at most if they’re really good at hiding. It’s hard to maintain the energy to keep up a facade continuously.

But most people are too worried about their own selves while dating to really notice the other person. Or they do notice the red flags but don’t trust their gut and ability to find someone better.

[Anonymous]

Ex partner changed after we had a child. He did hold up for a long time. Found out about the possible special needs after he passed.
It's not like I needed a man. He was very aggressive in pursuing me. He did not want to be alone, but didn't care being social.