Reply to Every marry someone and realize they are completely different than who you thought they were?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This happened to me. DH traveled a ton for work and we had met during the intensely structured time while we were earning our professional degrees, so that provided some cover for what was actually going on. In hindsight there were signs here and there that made sense in the context of his lifestyle so I dismissed them. We also didn't spend a ton of time with his extended family while dating but that also seemed normal during that phase of our life.

Anyway, after we married DH became almost immediately different and once we had our child he was completely different than the person he had presented to me. I actually begged him to go to a neurologist because I thought he had a brain tumor or early dementia.

It turns out that he had previously undiagnosed ADHD and high-functioning autism. The coping mechanisms and adaptations he had relied on fell apart once he had the responsibility and challenges of a new baby. It was so ugly. He threw terrible tantrums over really basic things and would go into shutdowns for days. The unpredictability of being in a relationship and parenting made him even more rigid and angry.

I slowly pieced together a lot of stuff in his family that included mental illness (not saying this is related to autism or ADHD, but mentioning it because it was bananas that he never noticed or mentioned the very obvious and diagnosed illnesses- and hospitalizations!- in his family?!) and a lot of autism, including lower-functioning autistic cousins living in basements and never coming to family functions. It's unclear if his family actually realizes what's going on- they are from a culture that pretends mental illness isn't real and I've heard the parent of one of the cousins with more severe autism speak derisively of an acquaintance who she thinks might "be Aspergers".

We stopped at one child and I've considered divorce a million times but won't go through with it because I would not want our child to deal with 50/50 custody and being under the sole care of DH.

It is really isolating and lonely because people are supportive of parents of children with ADHD or autism, but the few friends I have shared my situation with pulled away and have been visibly uncomfortable with the idea of an adult they know struggling with the impact of neurodiversity (even when it explains a lot about that person). I do a lot of covering for my DH now that our child is old enough to have friends and be social, because I can see that how important it is to have "normal" parents who participate in a neighborhood or school community.

At one point I confronted DH with why he would change so much after we married and not show me his real self while we were dating. He said that he always knew he was different and he knew he had to pretend to get friends and get into college and grad school and get the job he wanted. He said that when he was with me he felt like he could be himself for the first time in his entire life.

Great for him, a hellscape for me.[/quote]

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Keep building that village!![/quote]

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