Will I ever get my ds back?

[Anonymous]

My ds has been very very tough for almost two years now: He is profoundly selfish, self-focused, pretty much rejects any attempt by dh especially to spend time with him. He does tell me a lot, from school stuff to girlfriend stuff, but it's really always about him, when he feels like sharing or needs help and advice. He spends as little time at home as he can, has his sport, gym, friends and family comes absolute last on his list. He's a good student, he's not rude per se (will say thanks for dinner, got me a nice mother's day gift without anyone telling him to, apologized the other day for something), but just feels so far away and preoccupied with his life and just tends to have a flippant tone, almost like he thinks he knows better and we're just annoying old boring folks. Does it ever change or is he like this forever?

[Anonymous]

Just be glad he’s as functional as he is and focus on building your fulfilling independent life because you have to do that either way.

[Anonymous]

This is normal. How old is he?

But just because it's normal doesn't mean you shouldn't be giving him feedback on how inconsiderate and difficult he is being.

[Anonymous]

You just described my son (who just finished his second year of college).

I think they'll come around once they get some real-life experience under their belts and see it's not quite so easy as they think it is.

[Anonymous]

This is 100% normal. Teenage brains are structured to put themselves at the center and distance themselves from their family of origin. It's natural, and you will eventually come out the other side. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ds has been very very tough for almost two years now: He is profoundly selfish, self-focused, pretty much rejects any attempt by dh especially to spend time with him. He does tell me a lot, from school stuff to girlfriend stuff, but it's really always about him, when he feels like sharing or needs help and advice. He spends as little time at home as he can, has his sport, gym, friends and family comes absolute last on his list. He's a good student, he's not rude per se (will say thanks for dinner, got me a nice mother's day gift without anyone telling him to, apologized the other day for something), but just feels so far away and preoccupied with his life and just tends to have a flippant tone, almost like he thinks he knows better and we're just annoying old boring folks. Does it ever change or is he like this forever?

Honestly, he sounds fine. He's just starting to become an adult and trying to be more self sufficient, I'd guess. It's part of growing up. As long as he is not rude or hurtful, you have to let them go and grow. They do come back around to wanting to be with and around family in my experience.

--mom of 24 yr old DS who is back home with FT job and saving money after college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% normal. Teenage brains are structured to put themselves at the center and distance themselves from their family of origin. It's natural, and you will eventually come out the other side. Hang in there.

It's so unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ds has been very very tough for almost two years now: He is profoundly selfish, self-focused, pretty much rejects any attempt by dh especially to spend time with him. He does tell me a lot, from school stuff to girlfriend stuff, but it's really always about him, when he feels like sharing or needs help and advice. He spends as little time at home as he can, has his sport, gym, friends and family comes absolute last on his list. He's a good student, he's not rude per se (will say thanks for dinner, got me a nice mother's day gift without anyone telling him to, apologized the other day for something), but just feels so far away and preoccupied with his life and just tends to have a flippant tone, almost like he thinks he knows better and we're just annoying old boring folks. Does it ever change or is he like this forever?

Honestly, he sounds fine. He's just starting to become an adult and trying to be more self sufficient, I'd guess. It's part of growing up. As long as he is not rude or hurtful, you have to let them go and grow. They do come back around to wanting to be with and around family in my experience.

--mom of 24 yr old DS who is back home with FT job and saving money after college

It's a general dismissive attitude and lack of care about how we feel more than him trying to be hurtful. Dh especially is hurt by it. He and ds used to be very close, do so much together. Now ds wants nothing to do with him. At some point he said not to come to his games at all (he has come around on that eventually). I guess I am wondering if it's him being hurtful, or us expecting too much out of the relationship, or too little and then he gets worse? It's tough because we can't force him to care about us.

[Anonymous]

Same with my son except he didn't give me a nice mother's day gift. He's super independent--always out with friends, at school events, golfing, at the gym, etc. He does very well in school.
I'm grateful that he has such an active life with good friends, interests, etc but we (the parents) have definitely been left in the dust.

I watched my brother do something similar and he never really came back to the fold. He never came home during or after college (spent summers traveling, working at college, taking classes, etc) and then after college he went straight to medical school, residency, and a job across the country.

So I'm not sure some kids (often boys) ever align with their families once they make the big emotional split. My brother is (and always has been) super respectful of our parents but he's had a vibrant, interesting life of his own since he made that first spilt at age 16.

I'm hoping that things are different with my son but I'm not holding my breath. Like his uncle, he will probably pop in every once in awhile throughout college and young adulthood and then go on his merry way. I also have 2 girls and I'm hoping they'll be a bit more grounded in home.

[Anonymous]

This is normal and you need to reframe things in your mind. He's not your friend, he's your child. This is a normal part of the parent-child dynamic. Honestly, it's a problem if you're still the center of his world and he wants to hang out with your DH all the time. If you are looking for friendship, look for that elsewhere. At some point when he is an adult, yes if you play your cards right it can be more like a friendship with an adult child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ds has been very very tough for almost two years now: He is profoundly selfish, self-focused, pretty much rejects any attempt by dh especially to spend time with him. He does tell me a lot, from school stuff to girlfriend stuff, but it's really always about him, when he feels like sharing or needs help and advice. He spends as little time at home as he can, has his sport, gym, friends and family comes absolute last on his list. He's a good student, he's not rude per se (will say thanks for dinner, got me a nice mother's day gift without anyone telling him to, apologized the other day for something), but just feels so far away and preoccupied with his life and just tends to have a flippant tone, almost like he thinks he knows better and we're just annoying old boring folks. Does it ever change or is he like this forever?

Honestly, he sounds fine. He's just starting to become an adult and trying to be more self sufficient, I'd guess. It's part of growing up. As long as he is not rude or hurtful, you have to let them go and grow. They do come back around to wanting to be with and around family in my experience.

--mom of 24 yr old DS who is back home with FT job and saving money after college

It's a general dismissive attitude and lack of care about how we feel more than him trying to be hurtful. Dh especially is hurt by it. He and ds used to be very close, do so much together. Now ds wants nothing to do with him. At some point he said not to come to his games at all (he has come around on that eventually). I guess I am wondering if it's him being hurtful, or us expecting too much out of the relationship, or too little and then he gets worse? It's tough because we can't force him to care about us.

HS teacher: this is so, so normal. My students are in plays, art shows, concerts, sports, and could not care less if parents are there. Some actively lie/avoid telling parents about performances so they don't come. At this age, the most important audience is peers.

It sucks, and it's such a 180 from elementary where they beg you to be present, but it's nature. They need to branch beyond family. I remember my own father dropping me off at college, me asking if he was going to miss me, and him saying, "No, you've kind of been a brat the last 5 years or so."

My own kid is 13 and just starting to flirt with choosing friends over family for everything. It's the way for most kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same with my son except he didn't give me a nice mother's day gift. He's super independent--always out with friends, at school events, golfing, at the gym, etc. He does very well in school.
I'm grateful that he has such an active life with good friends, interests, etc but we (the parents) have definitely been left in the dust.

I watched my brother do something similar and he never really came back to the fold. He never came home during or after college (spent summers traveling, working at college, taking classes, etc) and then after college he went straight to medical school, residency, and a job across the country.

So I'm not sure some kids (often boys) ever align with their families once they make the big emotional split. My brother is (and always has been) super respectful of our parents but he's had a vibrant, interesting life of his own since he made that first spilt at age 16.

I'm hoping that things are different with my son but I'm not holding my breath. Like his uncle, he will probably pop in every once in awhile throughout college and young adulthood and then go on his merry way. I also have 2 girls and I'm hoping they'll be a bit more grounded in home.

This is supposed to be a sad ending??? I am baffled by this.

[Anonymous]

You were over involved in them and now are having control issues

Your job as a parent is to raise them into independent self assured adults and teens is the processing of letting go.

Sounds like you did a great job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were over involved in them and now are having control issues

Your job as a parent is to raise them into independent self assured adults and teens is the processing of letting go.

Sounds like you did a great job

This. Time to re-invest in yourself and your peer relationships. For both you and DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were over involved in them and now are having control issues

Your job as a parent is to raise them into independent self assured adults and teens is the processing of letting go.

Sounds like you did a great job

This. Time to re-invest in yourself and your peer relationships. For both you and DH.

I don't think I am a controlling person because he has a LOT of freedom, if anything I worry it's too much and not enough. This weekend we barely ever saw him! But I guess the message I am getting from all these posts is that this is all very normal and to just go with it and stop expecting more.