Will I ever get my ds back?

[Anonymous]

I know OP he sounds pretty good to me. Still talks to you, Mother’s Day gift without prompting, apologizes. I have a son the same age and agree it is hard to see the change. I think you have done well and be grateful for the time he does spend with you (don’t guilt him though).

[Anonymous]

Okay, so young men (probably women too) are like this. Your child is growing up. Maybe he will be back when he matures fully, but he won't be your DS (your child.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were over involved in them and now are having control issues

Your job as a parent is to raise them into independent self assured adults and teens is the processing of letting go.

Sounds like you did a great job

This. Time to re-invest in yourself and your peer relationships. For both you and DH.

I don't think I am a controlling person because he has a LOT of freedom, if anything I worry it's too much and not enough. This weekend we barely ever saw him! But I guess the message I am getting from all these posts is that this is all very normal and to just go with it and stop expecting more.

I believe controlling is meant from the perspective of expecting and wanting him to behave a certain way. You're realizing that he is an independent person and isn't as much under your influence in general. And this is hard. Been there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were over involved in them and now are having control issues

Your job as a parent is to raise them into independent self assured adults and teens is the processing of letting go.

Sounds like you did a great job

This. Time to re-invest in yourself and your peer relationships. For both you and DH.

I don't think I am a controlling person because he has a LOT of freedom, if anything I worry it's too much and not enough. This weekend we barely ever saw him! But I guess the message I am getting from all these posts is that this is all very normal and to just go with it and stop expecting more.

I believe controlling is meant from the perspective of expecting and wanting him to behave a certain way. You're realizing that he is an independent person and isn't as much under your influence in general. And this is hard. Been there.

Oh, yes, that makes sense in that sense, and I agree that's probably true for both me and dh. I have to just be at peace with it and just realize it's just how it's going to be and I can't change it. This has actually been a really helpful thread for me so thanks all for the perspective.

[Anonymous]

He sounds great! They’re self centered for a long time, it’s developmentally appropriate. Time for you to branch out in your own independence.

[Anonymous]

Your teen isn't supposed to be your best friend. Your spouse and adult friend should be.

Don't be codependent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 100% normal. Teenage brains are structured to put themselves at the center and distance themselves from their family of origin. It's natural, and you will eventually come out the other side. Hang in there.

It's so unfair.

If you think this is unfair, his narcissism may be genetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ds has been very very tough for almost two years now: He is profoundly selfish, self-focused, pretty much rejects any attempt by dh especially to spend time with him. He does tell me a lot, from school stuff to girlfriend stuff, but it's really always about him, when he feels like sharing or needs help and advice. He spends as little time at home as he can, has his sport, gym, friends and family comes absolute last on his list. He's a good student, he's not rude per se (will say thanks for dinner, got me a nice mother's day gift without anyone telling him to, apologized the other day for something), but just feels so far away and preoccupied with his life and just tends to have a flippant tone, almost like he thinks he knows better and we're just annoying old boring folks. Does it ever change or is he like this forever?

Honestly, he sounds fine. He's just starting to become an adult and trying to be more self sufficient, I'd guess. It's part of growing up. As long as he is not rude or hurtful, you have to let them go and grow. They do come back around to wanting to be with and around family in my experience.

--mom of 24 yr old DS who is back home with FT job and saving money after college

It's a general dismissive attitude and lack of care about how we feel more than him trying to be hurtful. Dh especially is hurt by it. He and ds used to be very close, do so much together. Now ds wants nothing to do with him. At some point he said not to come to his games at all (he has come around on that eventually). I guess I am wondering if it's him being hurtful, or us expecting too much out of the relationship, or too little and then he gets worse? It's tough because we can't force him to care about us.

HS teacher: this is so, so normal. My students are in plays, art shows, concerts, sports, and could not care less if parents are there. Some actively lie/avoid telling parents about performances so they don't come. At this age, the most important audience is peers.

It sucks, and it's such a 180 from elementary where they beg you to be present, but it's nature. They need to branch beyond family. I remember my own father dropping me off at college, me asking if he was going to miss me, and him saying, "No, you've kind of been a brat the last 5 years or so."

My own kid is 13 and just starting to flirt with choosing friends over family for everything. It's the way for most kids.

I have coached high school kids for close to 20 years and I disagree. Many kids are extremely sad that their parents never see them play — they do not want to talk to them before, during, or after but they do want to know their parents were there.

[Anonymous]

I think our culture breeds this sort of behavior. It's unhealthy. Our culture just doesn't seem to connect one generation to another well. We are all different groups. A.Z.Millenial.X.Boomer etc. Other countries I think they just say first generation, 2nd generation, grandparent, parent, children and so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is normal and you need to reframe things in your mind. He's not your friend, he's your child. This is a normal part of the parent-child dynamic. Honestly, it's a problem if you're still the center of his world and he wants to hang out with your DH all the time. If you are looking for friendship, look for that elsewhere. At some point when he is an adult, yes if you play your cards right it can be more like a friendship with an adult child.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were over involved in them and now are having control issues

Your job as a parent is to raise them into independent self assured adults and teens is the processing of letting go.

Sounds like you did a great job

This. Time to re-invest in yourself and your peer relationships. For both you and DH.

I think it would be ok to force some family time - X meals a week, Friday night movie/game night, occasional day trips, etc.

I don't think I am a controlling person because he has a LOT of freedom, if anything I worry it's too much and not enough. This weekend we barely ever saw him! But I guess the message I am getting from all these posts is that this is all very normal and to just go with it and stop expecting more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were over involved in them and now are having control issues

Your job as a parent is to raise them into independent self assured adults and teens is the processing of letting go.

Sounds like you did a great job

This. Time to re-invest in yourself and your peer relationships. For both you and DH.

I think it would be ok to force some family time - X meals a week, Friday night movie/game night, occasional day trips, etc.

I don't think I am a controlling person because he has a LOT of freedom, if anything I worry it's too much and not enough. This weekend we barely ever saw him! But I guess the message I am getting from all these posts is that this is all very normal and to just go with it and stop expecting more.

Replied in wrong area:
I think it would be ok to force some family time - X meals a week, Friday night movie/game night, occasional day trips, etc.

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

It’s normal. High school and college is a time of intense focus on peer friendships - they are surrounded by so many kids their age. He sounds like a good kid - he will come around.

Get to know his friends, be a little more flexible in making time with his wider circle rather than just “family time”. Family time is kind of a chore at this age. If your husband took him and some of his friends camping this summer, or similar activities that they can’t really do on their own, I bet he would find a broader connection there he could grow on.