Why are mothers unkind/jealous of their daughters?

[Anonymous]

My mom made mean remarks wholly uncalled for (eg. The nice lunch I bought her from a great restaurant looked too sparse, without even trying it), knowing I'm a mom of a high health needs child with barely enough bandwidth. It is her choice to be "honest" (read: bitingly unkind) just as it's my choice to love her from a far distance. My dad enables her and says it's how she is and that she's jealous I had all the opportunities she never had. Has anyone gone no/low contact with a parent like that?

[Anonymous]

My mom isn’t necessarily unkind, but there’s always been an undercurrent of competition and jealousy. I think in my mom’s case, she is very insecure and judgmental and assumes everyone thinks exactly like her, so she’s defensive at the same time. And also sort of hoping I fail in some of the same ways she did, just so she can be vindicated. We’ve had some really bumpy periods throughout our relationship. I don’t want to cut her off completely, so I just share as little as possible with her (which isn’t hard, because she doesn’t ever ask). I use her comments as opportunities to practice remaining calm and non-reactive. And I try hard to do better by my own kids.

[Anonymous]

So you’ve met my mother?

Hurt people hurt , but she’ll never change so it’s not worth thinking about it more than that. I pretend mine is dead. Wish she were because she’s driven a stake through the family. Yes, father and siblings enable. No one dares to stick up for the family member receiving the mean treatment because that makes things more difficult for them. They’ve all brought into the narrative spun by our mother that she’s “just joking” or “didn’t really mean it” and that her behavior should be tolerated.

So yeah, I don’t have much of a relationship with any of them. And they all think that I’m the one with the problem. But fu*k it, life is too short to be treated like dirt on a regular basis. And much more peaceful without the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you’ve met my mother?

Hurt people hurt , but she’ll never change so it’s not worth thinking about it more than that. I pretend mine is dead. Wish she were because she’s driven a stake through the family. Yes, father and siblings enable. No one dares to stick up for the family member receiving the mean treatment because that makes things more difficult for them. They’ve all brought into the narrative spun by our mother that she’s “just joking” or “didn’t really mean it” and that her behavior should be tolerated.

So yeah, I don’t have much of a relationship with any of them. And they all think that I’m the one with the problem. But fu*k it, life is too short to be treated like dirt on a regular basis. And much more peaceful without the drama.

I’m the PP right before you and this is my mom’s go-to, as well, when she says something that upsets someone. We’re all just too soft to take her keen sense of humor, apparently.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP, hugs to you. I’ve been through the same thing. My mom passed 4 years ago and I’m still working through it… I tried to make her happy and she was always claiming it was “too late.” Nothing was ever good enough. Even if I was happy, she made it a point to knock me down. So I stopped talking to her for 5 years. No Mother’s Day, no birthdays (both ways btw)… it was very hard. I think I almost had a nervous breakdown but I look back, it was the best thing I ever did. I lived my life, I accomplished things I wanted to achieve and grow. I think in the end, my mom had undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. It scares me to think that if I kept caving in to her I probably would have had a different life and it would not have been a good one for me. Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Some mothers are just very selfish. I work with a lot of older women and when I hear them gush about their daughters it makes me wistful because my mother would never say such nice things about me.
I remember showing up to my mother's house when her first grandchild was one week old. I was wearing a loose sundress. Instead of focusing on the baby and being happy she tells me "You're still big so you should be in maternity clothing. And your hair needs a good brushing." Or when I was taking a family photograph with all my cousins, we were all beaming with happiness and she interrupts to tell ME specifically "When you smile that big it's not flattering."

[Anonymous]

My mother was jealous from the time I was a child. She accused me of trying to steal her third husband -- when I was 11.

Never regretted going no contact. Anytime she weaseled back in (which she seemingly did just to get to be abusive again) I regretted it.

YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Emotional immaturity and the inability to understand the parent-child relationship in a healthy way.

I recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It gets recommended on here a lot but I think it applies especially in this dynamic.

My parents are both jealous of their kids and have always been incredibly derisive and unkind when that jealousy came out. It actually took me a long time to understand the unkindness was linked to jealousy, so kudos to you for figuring that out. In my parents' cases, they are both younger siblings in huge families where abuse and neglect were very present (as well as alcoholism and other traumas). They never developed a stable sense of self that would help them understand their role as parents, so as we went through adolescence, they both viewed us as competitors or threats and became condescending, rude, sarcastic, and undermining. They have almost no ability to celebrate our successes unless they can claim them as belonging entirely to them, and they view any choice we make that differs from anything they did as an attack. It's exhausting.

However, I have not gone no contact. I'm low-ish contact and have gotten much better at detaching from them and their behaviors and allowing myself to see the dynamic for what it is. It actually has little to do with me. It is very sad I don't have supportive or kind parents, and it's sad that I have reached a point of emotional maturity beyond what they've ever been able to reach. It sucks. But it's not that uncommon and it's a situation I have learned to live with.

Like you, I focus on not repeating these patterns with my own kids and that helps a lot because at least I know these cycles of abuse/neglect/jealousy/immaturity will end with me. I am sure I'll have my issues in my old age and my kids will have to deal with them, but I feel confident I am not/will not be this kind of draining, undermining force in their lives the way my parents often are.

[Anonymous]

Internalized sexism. I call my mom out on it. It helps her to shut up about the constant critical things she wants to say.

I also keep some things a secret, like when and how much I exercise because she's big on commenting on size / exercise and has very toxic ideas that I just don't want to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Emotional immaturity and the inability to understand the parent-child relationship in a healthy way.

I recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It gets recommended on here a lot but I think it applies especially in this dynamic.

My parents are both jealous of their kids and have always been incredibly derisive and unkind when that jealousy came out. It actually took me a long time to understand the unkindness was linked to jealousy, so kudos to you for figuring that out. In my parents' cases, they are both younger siblings in huge families where abuse and neglect were very present (as well as alcoholism and other traumas). They never developed a stable sense of self that would help them understand their role as parents, so as we went through adolescence, they both viewed us as competitors or threats and became condescending, rude, sarcastic, and undermining. They have almost no ability to celebrate our successes unless they can claim them as belonging entirely to them, and they view any choice we make that differs from anything they did as an attack. It's exhausting.

However, I have not gone no contact. I'm low-ish contact and have gotten much better at detaching from them and their behaviors and allowing myself to see the dynamic for what it is. It actually has little to do with me. It is very sad I don't have supportive or kind parents, and it's sad that I have reached a point of emotional maturity beyond what they've ever been able to reach. It sucks. But it's not that uncommon and it's a situation I have learned to live with.

Like you, I focus on not repeating these patterns with my own kids and that helps a lot because at least I know these cycles of abuse/neglect/jealousy/immaturity will end with me. I am sure I'll have my issues in my old age and my kids will have to deal with them, but I feel confident I am not/will not be this kind of draining, undermining force in their lives the way my parents often are.

+1 on this book recommendation. I think it would be very helpful for your situation.

[Anonymous]

Sprinkle on rage fits, hurling insults, manipulation, rewriting the past. lack of empathy and entitlement, add one kid with special needs and one kid with medical needs and I totally relate. Yes, I kept stepping back until I went low contact with the help of therapy. It helped that I tried every strategy a professional suggested to keep boundaries and not allow poor treatment. I keep things light and superficial-mostly cards. Seeing her in public places wasn't enough to make her behave so now I only see her at major family events with people who have her number and will shut her down.

She still tries to drag me into gossip, family dramas and she tries to imply I am the worst daughter ever. No time for it. I only respond to politeness. She can save the trash for others who enjoy that.

[Anonymous]

I have two close friends who have TONS of contact with their mothers, who have always been self-centered, needy, manipulative, and hyper critical. I don’t know how my friends do it. Both of their fathers are deceased and they’re both only children, so they have no one to run interference for them. The thing that’s so sad is that both of these women are absolute gems who would make most parents burst with pride. They are examples of how most of us would like our daughters to turn out; yet they never receive any affirmation from their mothers.

You are right to set boundaries for your own wellbeing.

[Anonymous]

“Oh, nasty again today, Barbara? You can call me when you are ready to apologize and to treat me with kindness and respect. Goodbye.”

Like seriously end every interaction until she gets the message.

[Anonymous]

Women fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom isn’t necessarily unkind, but there’s always been an undercurrent of competition and jealousy. I think in my mom’s case, she is very insecure and judgmental and assumes everyone thinks exactly like her, so she’s defensive at the same time. And also sort of hoping I fail in some of the same ways she did, just so she can be vindicated. We’ve had some really bumpy periods throughout our relationship. I don’t want to cut her off completely, so I just share as little as possible with her (which isn’t hard, because she doesn’t ever ask). I use her comments as opportunities to practice remaining calm and non-reactive. And I try hard to do better by my own kids.

This is so similar to my own situation. For so many years I tried to make my mom proud & happy and it wasn't until I was an adult I realized this was a lost cause. We've had very different life paths (she married young, I married older, I worked for many years before coming a SAHM and she stayed home always) and she is constantly projecting her insecurities and unfulfillment on me and everyone else. There is also this terrible undercurrent of jealousy and competition that used to wear me down and I now recognize it for what it is. I also recognize the ability to have a completely different relationship with my own daughter.