Family Entitlement and How to Deal with It?

[Anonymous]

Now that our own kids are teens, we've been dealing with a lot of "asks" by elderly parents and siblings. We're the only ones with kids still at home. They "ask" for being involved with us in a way they've never done themselves. For example, BIL has asked to join our family vacation this year because faaaamily and he wants to spend time with us and our kids. Well, guess how many times did he ever invite us to join his family vacations? Zero. We said no, this was followed by guilt trips of "you're making a mistake". Our parents on the other hand want our constant involvement to the extent I NEVER saw them doing regarding their own parents (our grandparents). Calls, visits, you name it, they didn't do even 10% of what they expect from us. We're at the point where we just don't want to deal with other people's entitlement as our own lives are busy and demanding. How have you been dealing with this (because it seems there are many people with the same problems) and do you feel the same -- they're asking you for something they've never done themselves? What is this? So sick and tired of these endless demands.

[Anonymous]

Just say no.

[Anonymous]

We do say no. We get guilt trips. I guess my question is why don't they see the disconnect between their asks and their own contribution. Our parents were uninvolved grandparents and it was fine, now suddenly when kids are teens they woke up or something. I don't want to say that hey, my kids don't want to come for a visit because you didn't spend time with them when they were little, so they barely know you! Should be obvious.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws are the same, but I can also realize they were working when the kids were little. They were stressed financially and in their own world because of that. They were younger and have now had the “OMG we might die soon and I want to spend more time with family” epiphany. Now they’re older and retired and want to make up for lost time. I get the resentment. I wish they had been interested in the kids when they were little, too. But it’s a gift to the kids to spend time with them so I focus on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do say no. We get guilt trips. I guess my question is why don't they see the disconnect between their asks and their own contribution. Our parents were uninvolved grandparents and it was fine, now suddenly when kids are teens they woke up or something. I don't want to say that hey, my kids don't want to come for a visit because you didn't spend time with them when they were little, so they barely know you! Should be obvious.

They’ve run out of people around them and they are selfish. They don’t see the disconnect because they are self centered.

For little kids, they might have been expected to do something on the little kids level. For teens, they see free labor. Yard work, clean the garage, gutters, lift furniture and heavy stuff all for free! Doesn’t matter that they have plenty of money, if they can get a freebie off the teens it’s score!

[Anonymous]

Hold your ground. Keep saying no and don’t let them guilt you. My family does the same and like a dummy I let it happen for years.

[Anonymous]

If you are anything like my siblings, you think everyone is entitled, while you happily accept and expect free child care, meals, and money from your extended family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We do say no. We get guilt trips. I guess my question is why don't they see the disconnect between their asks and their own contribution. Our parents were uninvolved grandparents and it was fine, now suddenly when kids are teens they woke up or something. I don't want to say that hey, my kids don't want to come for a visit because you didn't spend time with them when they were little, so they barely know you! Should be obvious.

They’ve run out of people around them and they are selfish. They don’t see the disconnect because they are self centered.

For little kids, they might have been expected to do something on the little kids level. For teens, they see free labor. Yard work, clean the garage, gutters, lift furniture and heavy stuff all for free! Doesn’t matter that they have plenty of money, if they can get a freebie off the teens it’s score!

Back when the kids were little, they had their own lives and didnt GAF about cultivating a relationship. Now they are old, lonely and have pissed off everyone else, they come crawling back.

Hold strong! Dont give in to guilt trips. If its over the phone, you hang up. If its over text, leave it on read, or "Ok." No need to engage with them.

[Anonymous]

This is the story of my life with my in-laws. They have always been involved with the kids but their sense of entitlement in our life is mind blowing. They think we are taking them on vacation every year (and paying). They were showing up unannounced for week long visits. They wanted to bed share with the kids during visits on school nights. They make plans with the kids and don’t consult us. During Covid, they would FaceTime the kids ALL day long. No joke, they wanted to talk for 4-6 hours a day with the kids. The vacation issue was the last straw. I finally had enough and pointed out that she never vacationed with her in-laws and took one trip ever with her own mother. Her response was things were different then. I get guilted anytime we say no to anything.

It made me realize that I grew up as a people pleaser and never knew how to set boundaries. Their demands and lack of boundaries were truly impacting my mental and physical health. I decided not to care what they think of me anymore. I’m an adult and get to prioritize my own needs and family. I have made it clear they have to ask before visiting and that we are traveling alone this summer. They can no longer co-sleep with kids on school nights. They didn’t like my rules but they are now following them.

We seem to be in a better place for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the story of my life with my in-laws. They have always been involved with the kids but their sense of entitlement in our life is mind blowing. They think we are taking them on vacation every year (and paying). They were showing up unannounced for week long visits. They wanted to bed share with the kids during visits on school nights. They make plans with the kids and don’t consult us. During Covid, they would FaceTime the kids ALL day long. No joke, they wanted to talk for 4-6 hours a day with the kids. The vacation issue was the last straw. I finally had enough and pointed out that she never vacationed with her in-laws and took one trip ever with her own mother. Her response was things were different then. I get guilted anytime we say no to anything.

It made me realize that I grew up as a people pleaser and never knew how to set boundaries. Their demands and lack of boundaries were truly impacting my mental and physical health. I decided not to care what they think of me anymore. I’m an adult and get to prioritize my own needs and family. I have made it clear they have to ask before visiting and that we are traveling alone this summer. They can no longer co-sleep with kids on school nights. They didn’t like my rules but they are now following them.

We seem to be in a better place for now.

Where the heck is your spouse in this? Why are you dealing with this by yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We do say no. We get guilt trips. I guess my question is why don't they see the disconnect between their asks and their own contribution. Our parents were uninvolved grandparents and it was fine, now suddenly when kids are teens they woke up or something. I don't want to say that hey, my kids don't want to come for a visit because you didn't spend time with them when they were little, so they barely know you! Should be obvious.

They’ve run out of people around them and they are selfish. They don’t see the disconnect because they are self centered.

For little kids, they might have been expected to do something on the little kids level. For teens, they see free labor. Yard work, clean the garage, gutters, lift furniture and heavy stuff all for free! Doesn’t matter that they have plenty of money, if they can get a freebie off the teens it’s score!

Back when the kids were little, they had their own lives and didnt GAF about cultivating a relationship. Now they are old, lonely and have pissed off everyone else, they come crawling back.

Hold strong! Dont give in to guilt trips. If its over the phone, you hang up. If its over text, leave it on read, or "Ok." No need to engage with them.

I relate so much to this. We moved to this area for my husband's job and my mother spelled out her boundaries. I had no intention of expecting her to babysit or cater to us, but she had an over the top list of boundaries. We were also the 2nd choice for any major holidays, but she wanted us available if plan A fell through. Let's just say, we were happy to have boundaries because her behavior was exhausting. Now, OMG is she entitled. She has also rewritten history to make herself a saint and she acts like a queen even sometimes adopted this uppity way of speaking like a person playing a queen who isn't very good at acting. She did a little growing up, etc, but it was much more rare. She expects holidays to revolve around her and you need to express undying gratitude as much as possible. Once the entitlement tantrums set in we had to distance. Neurologist felt it was just the worsening of her already la-ti-dah personality, but no signs of dementia. He did give her meds and that's another post.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand part of this at all. If I had a sibling who wanted to join us on vacation I'd be delighted.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I relate to so much. I guess I'm trying to sound out where to be in terms of obligations versus sanity. We ended up living far from both sets of relatives due to our jobs, so we had to carve out a life for ourselves. It was difficult not knowing anyone and no help at all. While distance has been one thing, they certainly could have interacted more, but they didn't and they retired early. They were "busy". We finally feel like we're over the hill and now this. I guess we're at the point where other grandkids are adults (my brother's youngest recently turned 18) and the reality and panic is setting in. BIL seems to have difficulties dealing with his own "empty nest". And yes, rewriting of history happens every time we interact. I often wish we didn't have 24/7 communication opportunities, people seemed to manage better not too long ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand part of this at all. If I had a sibling who wanted to join us on vacation I'd be delighted.

Well, I'm not delighted at all. In previous visits it has always turned into expectations of me catering to their needs. Maybe I'd feel differently if they'd arranged a vacation and invited us along to just chill and do nothing, you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand part of this at all. If I had a sibling who wanted to join us on vacation I'd be delighted.

If this is true, then you would invite them! If they want to vacation with you then they would accept!

However, this isn’t the situation here. OP didn’t want her BIL to join them so she didn’t invite him. He tried to invite himself and was told no. He didn’t accept no and kept guilting them. He’s rude! OP just keep your distance and ignore attempts to manipulate you into catering to them.