Family Entitlement and How to Deal with It?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand part of this at all. If I had a sibling who wanted to join us on vacation I'd be delighted.

You wouldn’t be delighted if you went on vacation to spend quality time with your kids but instead you got to watch your husband’s sibling vacation with your kids. That’s what happens on our extended family trips. My SIL is with the kids 24/7. There is no privacy. She co-sleeps with my daughter. I’m lucky if I get one hour alone with my kids the entire trip.

[Anonymous]

What’s with all the co-sleeping? I find that odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand part of this at all. If I had a sibling who wanted to join us on vacation I'd be delighted.

You wouldn’t be delighted if you went on vacation to spend quality time with your kids but instead you got to watch your husband’s sibling vacation with your kids. That’s what happens on our extended family trips. My SIL is with the kids 24/7. There is no privacy. She co-sleeps with my daughter. I’m lucky if I get one hour alone with my kids the entire trip.

Whoa! You need to kick SIL out! I definitely don't have it so bad, especially since teens are difficult to order around anyway and there's definitely no co-sleeping. But we ourselves have only a few years left before kids are off to college and they still enjoy being around us, so I'm not going to ruin that. I guess I'm just over having to deal with other people's wants and seemingly never-ending entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I relate to so much. I guess I'm trying to sound out where to be in terms of obligations versus sanity. We ended up living far from both sets of relatives due to our jobs, so we had to carve out a life for ourselves. It was difficult not knowing anyone and no help at all. While distance has been one thing, they certainly could have interacted more, but they didn't and they retired early. They were "busy". We finally feel like we're over the hill and now this. I guess we're at the point where other grandkids are adults (my brother's youngest recently turned 18) and the reality and panic is setting in. BIL seems to have difficulties dealing with his own "empty nest". And yes, rewriting of history happens every time we interact. I often wish we didn't have 24/7 communication opportunities, people seemed to manage better not too long ago.

Sanity comes first. You find your own balance. There will be those on DCUM who try to guilt trip and shame you and others who say to cut off and those in between. You find your boundaries and sometimes it helps to get therapy to deal with the push back you get on those boundaries. If they have money throw it where you can to ensure they have good care. An inheritance isn't worth much if you lose your own health.

My take on how things used to be is elder care still did people in even without the elder in the home. It was about whether the elder was difficult or even abusive.My parents and friend's parents are more insistent on aging in place and while they were hands off/leave me alone and don't come home until night parents, they expect us to be there at the drop of a hat. Also, people didn't live as long. In my family, the more difficult and abusive, the longer you live and the more dramatic emergencies, some of which aren't even emergencies-same in DH's family.

[Anonymous]

I've dealt with a lot of this kind of family. I even had someone tell me, AT A FUNERAL, that I need to go to their house and visit them with my family. It was wildly inappropriate. This family member has been to my house zero times and the only time she reaches out to me is to talk to me about me visiting her.

Here's what I think about close family like siblings or parents joining my family vacation: No. Our family vacation is for our family. If your parents or siblings want a vacation with your family, they can pay for it and invite you to come with them and not ask to be included in your trip.

[Anonymous]

Thank you. Yes, my own grandmothers were completely different from my mom and MIL, who are needy and emotionally manipulative. My paternal grandma in fact raised me and my siblings in a multigenerational household and while my parents have always said they were kind to take grandma in (as in elder care), in reality I have now realized my parents actually couldn't handle childrearing. Once we were grown, grandma went to live with an aunt until she died. And yes, inheritance is another way to manipulate. Funny thing is that at middle age, I myself have too much stuff and don't want theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s with all the co-sleeping? I find that odd.

It's this week's I-hate-my-inlaws trope. There are several threads discussing it so OP thought she'd jump on that bandwagon too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s with all the co-sleeping? I find that odd.

My MIL wanted to do this with my kids too. We didn't co-sleep! She seemed to think it'd be fine to just put my toddler in the bed with her and my FIL? So beyond weird. They got taken off the list for over nights pretty quickly. We live close enough that it's day trips only.

[Anonymous]

I think I'd just adjust my approach.

Decide what you can reasonably do for each person (roughly how often you visit or talk on the phone). And then make that happen.

The next step is to NOT explain to them that's what you're doing. You just make yourself unavailable, miss the call, etc. The key is to NOT argue with them about this. Just stop making it all happen. BIL can't argue with you about the trip if you are kind and clear "oh BIL, this vacation is just for our family, but DH is very excited see you at XYZ family function that is already planned".

Now, if you DH isn't on the same page as you, you have a DH problem, not an in-law problem. So start there.

[Anonymous]

Yes and yes! Interesting that I'm kind of getting exactly there. I just literally made up a "busy work project" because I couldn't deal with neediness. DH is getting there as well. BIL is the older brother and "likes to be in charge" so to say, so I was proud that it was actually DH who told him off. We both wish we didn't have to deal with any of this though, parenting teens seems easy-peasy in comparison to herding the extended family. Thank you for your advice, it helps.

[Anonymous]

A lot of ugly people in here.

Just because your parents didn't do something with their parents, or your brother didn't do something years ago, is not a reason for you to be a jerk about things. Perhaps they learned something wise and you might be a better person to consider it yourself.

[Anonymous]

Dissenting opinion - Consider what is best for your kids. These trips might be the best opportunity for your kids to have a relationship with their extended family. I personally am sorry that my parents didn’t make for of an effort to get us opportunities know our uncles, aunts and cousins. As an adult I’ve met a lot of them and they’re great people to know and we’ve done holidays together.

Unless they are terrible people you and your kids are going to want to have these bonds in the future

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dissenting opinion - Consider what is best for your kids. These trips might be the best opportunity for your kids to have a relationship with their extended family. I personally am sorry that my parents didn’t make for of an effort to get us opportunities know our uncles, aunts and cousins. As an adult I’ve met a lot of them and they’re great people to know and we’ve done holidays together.

Unless they are terrible people you and your kids are going to want to have these bonds in the future

Except that you still managed to have relationships with these people, despite your parents.

It doesn't sound like OP is cutting off contact entirely, she's just annoyed that she's being guilted into spending MORE time together when the family hasn't been that engaged up until now. I think that's valid. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of ugly people in here.

Just because your parents didn't do something with their parents, or your brother didn't do something years ago, is not a reason for you to be a jerk about things. Perhaps they learned something wise and you might be a better person to consider it yourself.

How is she being a jerk?

It sounds like she politely told her brother in law that she wanted her family vacation to be just her spouse and children. It’s really weird to try to paint normal boundaries as “being a jerk.”

[Anonymous]

As one of the posters with in-laws that are demanding of our time, hospitality, and vacations, I can say we make plenty of time for them. We do travel with them and host holidays and give them time alone with the kids. The problem is that it is somehow never enough and there is no recognition of what we give up to do these things for them. There is an attitude of “if you love me, you will do everything I want, when I want it, and I don’t have to consider how it impacts you.” It is the sense of entitlement and lack of consideration for my time, energy, money, or personal family time that makes me hostile.