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Friend offering to be a wet nurse - How would you feel?
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Anonymous
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OK this is anonymous, it's freaking 7am and I've been up with baby since 4am so here we go:
DH's friend is having the hardest time BF. She's torn since the doc just told her she'll have to supplement - her baby is not gaining weight fast enough. I'm not that close to her, we only met a few times but DH is friends with her family and very close friend to her brother. I went to her shower and since then we've been talking quite more often. Here on our side this is the situation: I'm suffering (I mean really really suffering - pain, leaks, fever, chills, over reactive let down giving baby the hardest time nursing) with over supply and I would love to help her out. I have over 150oz of BM already frozen and our babies are only 1 week apart. My baby is 5 weeks olde and hers is 6. My baby doesn't take bottles yet so the stash is growing for "just in case" and soon we won't have room left in the freezer. She'll be back to work soon and pumping only gets her enough for the next feeding so once she goes back to work she's afraid she won't be able to keep up with his intake. He spits up a lot so they "waste" a lot of milk and every drop is so precious to her. We came over to their place last week and I almost cried when she started talking about it. She's adding more and more formula and she feels terrible for doing it. I just felt terrible for her, poor thing. Her husband even mentioned in the middle of a joke that they have found breastmilk for sale on ebay. I wonder if they were looking into buying it... 
Let me also say that I'm from a country/culture/religion and they (DH and friends) are from another. In my country such a request would never offend someone and I'm not sure how they would face it in their religion... I'm also writing DH an email to ask if it's OK to offer her my milk. He mostly will scream at me inside of his mind I bet  He worked night/morning shift today so he'll be totally mad at me for thinking about such thing and writing in the midst of the day instead of waiting to talk once he gets home. Oh well...
So, my question is... Imagine you were this mom, struggling through this situation and a not that close of a friend offers to donate you her frozen batch. Would you be offended, creped out or something? I'm willing to have the milk/myself tested if she wants. On a side note, I intend to write her an email so she can take her time to answer it. I welcome suggestions on how to word this. Here is what I have in mind: "Dear X, after we talked last week I was wondering if you'd like to have some of the milk I have frozen. Back home it's common but I'm not sure how it's done in your culture so I guessed I would just offer. Please feel free to to decline in case you're not comfortable with my offer and please forgive me if this offer offends you in any way. We wish you and your family all the happiness! Thanks for having us over, it was really good to spend time with your family and get to know you all better. It was great to finally meet baby Y, she looks adorable! And she definitely resembles grandma! Take care, Z" So, what's your opinion? |
Anonymous
| You can offer, but I think the idea is kind of creepy...it's your bodily fluids made for your baby's needs, and not her baby's needs. Plus the content of BM is very individualized and changes based on a baby's age and nutritional needs, and whatever germs you/baby may have been exposed to. Frankly, the idea creeps me out, but you could always ask. |
Anonymous
| I think it's a very generous offer. Even if she declines, and even if she thinks it's...whatever, she will undoubtedly appreciate the sympathy and the understanding behind the gesture. And who knows, she might take you up on your offer, and then it's win-win for you both! But this culture is very conservative when it comes to body fluids and so on, so don't be surprised if she says no. And I think your e-mail is perfect. You make the offer and move on to other things. |
Anonymous
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I don't think it is creepy at all -- many women donate spare milk to milk banks or even via milkshare more locally.
I think to many women there's a big difference between offering frozen milk and being a wet nurse and actually nursing her child from your breast, at least to most women. Your babies are the same age so nutritionally you'd have the "right" fat ratio for a newborn, etc. I would make sure that you haven't frozen milk that is extremely heavy in foremilk though, that would NOT be good for any baby's tummy. |
Anonymous
| I think your note is perfect, OP. |
Anonymous
| I think your email sounds fine and it is a generous offer. I would maybe also mention that you were going to donate but wanted to ask her first in case she wanted it. |
Anonymous
| They clearly sounds open to the idea if they looked on e-bay to possibly purchase donated milk (very expensive to do). I don't see why it is creepy at all. A lot of people donate and purchase breast milk. I personally would just fall back on formula, but I also am in the situation with over supply and looked into donating, but you have to be tested before you pumped and store it in a certain way. I have over 800 oz in the freezer. I think it is wonderful what you are willing to do for someone you aren't even all that close to. The letter is great! Let us know how it goes OP! |
Anonymous
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This is the OP.
Thank you ladies for your input. I'm so surprised (in a very nice way) by your messages. I'll definitely add the "I was thinking about donating" part to the email. Many thanks! |
Anonymous
| I think it's a lovely offer, and I think the person who thinks it's creepy has real issues. |
Anonymous
| I would absolutely offer, just don't be offended if she refuses. I good friend of mine adopted and used bm from 2 friends of hers that were bf-ing their own children. I would definitely do it for something else and also will be donating any milk I have left in the freezer. |
Anonymous
| i agree with all that has been said, but just wanted to recommend that your friend see a lactation consultant if she hasn't already. I've had a few friends and family members have similar experiences with their doctor, and they just threw in the towel instantly. It's so hard to BF. |
Anonymous
This is the OP. She did see 2 LCs but there's just not enough. Her boobs are HUGE! but only one side produces milk... She tried everything you can think of. When I was over there I suggested her to use the feeding tube taped to her nipple and also to try to pump from one side while she's feeding on the other. I hope that the suggestion helps her...
Oh, and I just emailed DH with my idea, I hope he doesn't get too mad
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Anonymous
| I think your note is very nice and your heart is definitely in the right place, but if I were the friend I'd still be a little offended and hurt and there is no way in heck I would take you up on your offer. I would appreciate it more if someone said, "You're doing a great job, Mama, and remember that if you have to supplement with formula it's no big deal." |
Anonymous
| OP, good luck to your friend. And that is a very sweet & generous to offer your frozen BM stash. I know I would be very touched and probably take you up on the offer if I was the friend in that situation. |
Anonymous
I think your suggested email is lovely. I may not have taken you up on your offer but I would have thought it was very kind and compassionate. 
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