Why do friends turn on each other?

[Anonymous]

My DS had a good friend for a few years. Now the friend has moved on to different friends (which I know sometimes happens). It's not just like the friendship faded, though. It sounds like the former friend is actively being mean to my DS. DS doesn't want to even attend events if he knows the former friend will be there, and doesn't want to go to classes he shares with him. He won't give me many details about what is going on, but there was not any fight or cause that I know of. My DS doesn't know why the other kid is acting like that. I want him to focus on making new friends, but it's not easy as he still has mutual friends with the other kid.

[Anonymous]

It's a tale as old as time. My very best friend suddenly refused to talk to me in 7th grade. Just went literally from being best friends to would not even acknowledge my existence overnight. Nothing happened, guess I was just not cool enough for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a tale as old as time. My very best friend suddenly refused to talk to me in 7th grade. Just went literally from being best friends to would not even acknowledge my existence overnight. Nothing happened, guess I was just not cool enough for her.

Sadly, this. And while this is usually classified as mean girl behavior, boys do it all the time, too.

[Anonymous]

Happened to my DS in middle school. It really wasn't a surprise to me as his mom has always been a bit of a b1tch. I figured it would just be a matter if time before the friend's genes started asserting themselves and made sure DS still hung out with other friends over the years so that when now cool friend ditched him, he would have somewhere to land.

[Anonymous]

Just dealt with this with DD. Ours was a case of a more “popular” girl was showing interest in one of DDs friends, but DD didn’t want to hang out with that group, and DDs friend chose the “popular” girl and has been mean to DD ever since. Same thing where she dreaded classes with her, etc. I never liked the girl so I didn’t shed a tear, and while I feel bad for DD, the situation helped her find a MUCH nicer new group of friends. I wish the same for your DS.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks. I know it’s a common scenario. These kids were just really close before, so it’s hard to believe. I will focus on encouraging him to look for friends that he fits with.

[Anonymous]

It's complicated. Sometimes it's superficial-just wanting to be with the cooler crowd and not having maturity to understand you still keep old friends or there are ways to let people down gently. Sometimes it's death by a 1000 papercuts. They don't have the maturity and communication skills to handle little things that upset them in a constructive way and they let it build up until it's the last straw. It's a painful, but valuable lesson. You learn the importance of having many friends and you learn resilience to help prepare when romantic interrelationships break up.suddenly.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it is always as simple as just wanting to be with a cooler crowd. I recall that when I was in 7th grade, my best friend suddenly began grating on me, and I could not figure out why. I now think the issue was that we spent too much time together and didn't have many other friends, and maybe just didn't have enough in common to be in that situation together for so long. Everything she said hurt my feelings or bothered me, but none of it was that bad. I went to a small school, and wound up becoming friends with an equally unpopular girl who just transferred in that year. My former friend eventually became friends with a slightly more popular girl, but that didn't bother me, I was just ready for a break from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is always as simple as just wanting to be with a cooler crowd. I recall that when I was in 7th grade, my best friend suddenly began grating on me, and I could not figure out why. I now think the issue was that we spent too much time together and didn't have many other friends, and maybe just didn't have enough in common to be in that situation together for so long. Everything she said hurt my feelings or bothered me, but none of it was that bad. I went to a small school, and wound up becoming friends with an equally unpopular girl who just transferred in that year. My former friend eventually became friends with a slightly more popular girl, but that didn't bother me, I was just ready for a break from her.

Something similar happened to me in 8th. I was sort of young and still more playful than my friends. One told me point blank, “If you don’t grow up a little, we can’t hang out with you anymore.”

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it’s just insecurity especially around the pecking order of popularity. If new friends are more popular, they feel like they have to publicly reject their old not as popular friends or they lose their newfound but not secure place with new friends. This is most common in middle school - high schoolers aren’t as likely to do this unless the ex friend is actively disliked by others and they can’t be associated with them. Sometimes bc the person in question has behaved in a shady way (uses slurs etc) so it’s understandable.

But just as often….there are things that parents can’t see about their child.

My 8th grader has a “best friend” that she’s been pulling away from. She hasn’t been mean bc that’s not her way but many kids in her position would. The other girl is always mad at my daughter over tiny things. She’s also pretty controlling of her friends and also doesn’t like most other kids. My daughter couldn’t make friends outside their small circle for all of middle school bc this friend would get jealous and say negative things about them , and she finally had to create space. This girls mom is my friend and she reports that her daughter says mine is “mean” to her. But she has no issues with any of her other friends.

Also sometimes more immature kids will say other kids are mean to them, and it’s because these kids are annoying to others and don’t have boundaries or take social cues. So something being nice and trying to fade away doesn’t work.

[Anonymous]

Exact scenario just happened to DD. Luckily she’s very outgoing and found a new group of friends. Kids are insecure and can be very unkind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a tale as old as time. My very best friend suddenly refused to talk to me in 7th grade. Just went literally from being best friends to would not even acknowledge my existence overnight. Nothing happened, guess I was just not cool enough for her.

Sadly, this. And while this is usually classified as mean girl behavior, boys do it all the time, too.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it’s just insecurity especially around the pecking order of popularity. If new friends are more popular, they feel like they have to publicly reject their old not as popular friends or they lose their newfound but not secure place with new friends. This is most common in middle school - high schoolers aren’t as likely to do this unless the ex friend is actively disliked by others and they can’t be associated with them. Sometimes bc the person in question has behaved in a shady way (uses slurs etc) so it’s understandable.

But just as often….there are things that parents can’t see about their child.

My 8th grader has a “best friend” that she’s been pulling away from. She hasn’t been mean bc that’s not her way but many kids in her position would. The other girl is always mad at my daughter over tiny things. She’s also pretty controlling of her friends and also doesn’t like most other kids. My daughter couldn’t make friends outside their small circle for all of middle school bc this friend would get jealous and say negative things about them , and she finally had to create space. This girls mom is my friend and she reports that her daughter says mine is “mean” to her. But she has no issues with any of her other friends.

Also sometimes more immature kids will say other kids are mean to them, and it’s because these kids are annoying to others and don’t have boundaries or take social cues. So something being nice and trying to fade away doesn’t work.

Like you? Probably less. 😉

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Also sometimes more immature kids will say other kids are mean to them, and it’s because these kids are annoying to others and don’t have boundaries or take social cues. So something being nice and trying to fade away doesn’t work.

OP here. This is an interesting insight, and my DS is probably a little immature compared to his peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Also sometimes more immature kids will say other kids are mean to them, and it’s because these kids are annoying to others and don’t have boundaries or take social cues. So something being nice and trying to fade away doesn’t work.

OP here. This is an interesting insight, and my DS is probably a little immature compared to his peers.

DP. Stop victim blaming and seeking the approval of the “cool moms.” You need to contact the principal.