Why do friends turn on each other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Also sometimes more immature kids will say other kids are mean to them, and it’s because these kids are annoying to others and don’t have boundaries or take social cues. So something being nice and trying to fade away doesn’t work.

OP here. This is an interesting insight, and my DS is probably a little immature compared to his peers.

DP. Stop victim blaming and seeking the approval of the “cool moms.” You need to contact the principal.

Same poster. Contact the principal DISCREETLY.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry so many are going through this. My 7th grade daughter is too. A year ago I would have thought it would never happen. The girls were all so close for all of elementary school. Now not only are they not friends, they are so mean to each other. We are talking to our daughter constantly about not being mean and trying to find new friends while ignoring the rest and distancing herself if it’s too nasty. It’s hard to watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just dealt with this with DD. Ours was a case of a more “popular” girl was showing interest in one of DDs friends, but DD didn’t want to hang out with that group, and DDs friend chose the “popular” girl and has been mean to DD ever since. Same thing where she dreaded classes with her, etc. I never liked the girl so I didn’t shed a tear, and while I feel bad for DD, the situation helped her find a MUCH nicer new group of friends. I wish the same for your DS.

Happened to my now SR when in MS. Looking back, I can now see it was related to maturity. The friend who ditched my DS got into girls (and later partying) much earlier than my late bloomer son. They literally hit puberty 2 years apart. It makes a difference in how they want to interact in MS. My DS had a few quiet years when I wished he was more social, but he’s come into his own in his own time. Just offer support and keep him busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is always as simple as just wanting to be with a cooler crowd. I recall that when I was in 7th grade, my best friend suddenly began grating on me, and I could not figure out why. I now think the issue was that we spent too much time together and didn't have many other friends, and maybe just didn't have enough in common to be in that situation together for so long. Everything she said hurt my feelings or bothered me, but none of it was that bad. I went to a small school, and wound up becoming friends with an equally unpopular girl who just transferred in that year. My former friend eventually became friends with a slightly more popular girl, but that didn't bother me, I was just ready for a break from her.

Something similar happened to me in 8th. I was sort of young and still more playful than my friends. One told me point blank, “If you don’t grow up a little, we can’t hang out with you anymore.”

That's crappy, I'm really sorry about that. Thos sort of happened to me too at the same grade. Luckily I had a friend group that was like me. Imo you were doing it right, kids should be kids as long as they can and they'll never understand that.

[Anonymous]

Differences in physical maturity means a lot. Teens who are now older physically are talking among themselves about different things, sexual thing, things the younger ones aren't ready to hear. And the older ones know that. The older ones think it's best to protect the younger ones, somewhat. I actually think the comment of, "If you don’t grow up a little, we can’t hang out with you anymore.” was sort of kind. It's certainly speaking the truth. At least for awhile, go find friends you are more aligned with.

[Anonymous]

Friends turn on each other because the friend knows too much. It's a preemptive strike. Fearful of being outed for something, lots of things, ridiculous things they did in the past, things only their friend knew about, things likely they shouldn't need to worry about ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is always as simple as just wanting to be with a cooler crowd. I recall that when I was in 7th grade, my best friend suddenly began grating on me, and I could not figure out why. I now think the issue was that we spent too much time together and didn't have many other friends, and maybe just didn't have enough in common to be in that situation together for so long. Everything she said hurt my feelings or bothered me, but none of it was that bad. I went to a small school, and wound up becoming friends with an equally unpopular girl who just transferred in that year. My former friend eventually became friends with a slightly more popular girl, but that didn't bother me, I was just ready for a break from her.

Something similar happened to me in 8th. I was sort of young and still more playful than my friends. One told me point blank, “If you don’t grow up a little, we can’t hang out with you anymore.”

That's crappy, I'm really sorry about that. Thos sort of happened to me too at the same grade. Luckily I had a friend group that was like me. Imo you were doing it right, kids should be kids as long as they can and they'll never understand that.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a tale as old as time. My very best friend suddenly refused to talk to me in 7th grade. Just went literally from being best friends to would not even acknowledge my existence overnight. Nothing happened, guess I was just not cool enough for her.

Same! I got a terrible haircut right before 7th grade started and always thought that could be the reason. She was also my next door neighbor so it made for an awkward year. Oddly enough the first day of summer after 7th grade she knocked on my door and we went back to hanging out like old times. I’d love to yell at 13 year old me to blow her off but friendships are weird and unpredictable at that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Also sometimes more immature kids will say other kids are mean to them, and it’s because these kids are annoying to others and don’t have boundaries or take social cues. So something being nice and trying to fade away doesn’t work.

OP here. This is an interesting insight, and my DS is probably a little immature compared to his peers.

DP. Stop victim blaming and seeking the approval of the “cool moms.” You need to contact the principal.

Same poster. Contact the principal DISCREETLY.

This is not something you contact a middle school principal over. Guidance counselor, maybe, but principals don't deal with social issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Also sometimes more immature kids will say other kids are mean to them, and it’s because these kids are annoying to others and don’t have boundaries or take social cues. So something being nice and trying to fade away doesn’t work.

OP here. This is an interesting insight, and my DS is probably a little immature compared to his peers.

DP. Stop victim blaming and seeking the approval of the “cool moms.” You need to contact the principal.

Same poster. Contact the principal DISCREETLY.

OP again. I am not excusing the other kid, just trying to understand the basis of this kind of behavior. I did ask the guidance counselor to talk to my DS, and will continue to contact them if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just dealt with this with DD. Ours was a case of a more “popular” girl was showing interest in one of DDs friends, but DD didn’t want to hang out with that group, and DDs friend chose the “popular” girl and has been mean to DD ever since. Same thing where she dreaded classes with her, etc. I never liked the girl so I didn’t shed a tear, and while I feel bad for DD, the situation helped her find a MUCH nicer new group of friends. I wish the same for your DS.

It sounds like your dd might have put her friend in a situation where she had to choose between her and the other friends? She may need to think about that an maneuver it differently in the future.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me sophomore year. I was friends with 5 girls and they turned on me. I had recently introduced one of the girls to my group of friends and I think she somehow backstabbed me because suddenly I was out and she was in, with my friends. Senior year I was friends again with 2 of the 5 and one told me she had been mad at me but had no idea why. Nothing had happened, I didn't do anything to warrant the icing out. I never talked to the other 3 again, good riddance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Also sometimes more immature kids will say other kids are mean to them, and it’s because these kids are annoying to others and don’t have boundaries or take social cues. So something being nice and trying to fade away doesn’t work.

OP here. This is an interesting insight, and my DS is probably a little immature compared to his peers.

I mean, he’s young. His ex friend probably dropped him which SUCKS and he didn’t pick up on it for awhile, understandable but it built resentment in the other kid, who probably dropped subtle signs. And the thing is, the other kids are only a few steps in maturity above him so they don’t have the skills to kindly communicate either. People in here act like the “other kids” basically have the maturity of adults while their kid is just not expected to even behave at age level, like they also aren’t all kids too.

Your best bet is to distract and build up his friendships with kids more his speed. The lost friendship hurts, and the mean behavior makes the wound bleed. The more he has anxiety about his ex friend, the more “annoying” he probably behaves. I say that as someone with raging adhd, trust me I know I am amplified when I’m anxious.

I personally think calling the school and making a big case out of it will make it worse for your son. Schools can only put on a show of prevention as they aren’t there all the time. Bring it up but more for problem solving. I’d at least request class placement next year w this kid not in his classes, and seperate as much as teachers can in meantime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a tale as old as time. My very best friend suddenly refused to talk to me in 7th grade. Just went literally from being best friends to would not even acknowledge my existence overnight. Nothing happened, guess I was just not cool enough for her.

Sadly, this. And while this is usually classified as mean girl behavior, boys do it all the time, too.

+1 I think most of us have had this happen in our lifetime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just dealt with this with DD. Ours was a case of a more “popular” girl was showing interest in one of DDs friends, but DD didn’t want to hang out with that group, and DDs friend chose the “popular” girl and has been mean to DD ever since. Same thing where she dreaded classes with her, etc. I never liked the girl so I didn’t shed a tear, and while I feel bad for DD, the situation helped her find a MUCH nicer new group of friends. I wish the same for your DS.

It sounds like your dd might have put her friend in a situation where she had to choose between her and the other friends? She may need to think about that an maneuver it differently in the future.

It actually sounds like the friend did that first.